Exclusive election coverage by Gonzo journalist Hunter S. Thompson. Contrary to exaggerated media reports, Thompson, like Elvis Presley , lives and has come to Queensland at the start of a journey to get at the heart of the Sunshine State sell off nightmare to give it his famous FEAR AND LOATHING ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL treatment .
BRISBANE : Before I boarded the CIA flight to Australia , my old bikie buddies in Hell’s Angels , about whom I wrote a book, warn me that Australia is now in the hands of the corporate mobsters who wear suits, blue ties , smoke cigars , and don’t pay taxes , while the bulk of the stiffs are squeezed so much they sound like Hollywood Championship Wrestling grunters .
There are regular CIA flights into any country which plans to exercise democracy and vote , especially in countries which grow a heap of bananas, like Queensland . Remember the poor hombres south of the US border,down Guatemala way, in debt slavery working for the American United Fruit Company , who kicked out a dictator, set up a democratic regime , and the CIA moved in and organised a military uprising , people were massacred, and another dictator was installed. Such is the American Dream . And of course , it is widely believed that the CIA got rid of Gough Whitlam when he was the enlightened top banana in Australia .
I spent a lot of time in the newspaper morgue in Aspen, Colorado , abusing neo Fascists and boning up on the Queensland election scene, reading the dreary Queensland newspapers, seemingly written by graduates from the Kardashian School of Journalism. My usual travelling companion, the Samoan Attorney , could not come along for the trip because he has been hired to represent a large number of the Samoan ruling elite on corruption charges , many of them relatives . Walt Disney considered carrying my grog and medication esky on this expedition , but said he thought the Queensland weather would be too hot and cause him to thaw.
Through research I decided to jet into Bris Vegas and catch the new train on the run north which has apparently replaced something called the tilt train because the old rattler caused cups of coffee and hot sausage rolls to tip onto the laps of passengers , resulting in expensive legal class actions.
While being driven from the Brisbane airport by a nervous posse from the Australian Federal Police, some with riot shields and tasers, I wonder if the Cuban missile crisis has been resurrected by the warmongering Republican whackos while I am asleep in the air as I notice what appears to be a giant underground nuclear bomb shelter being dug all the way to China .
A cop holding back a growling Rottweiler, which wants to share my complimentary, inflight CIA hamburger , tells me the local governor is some dude who goes under the drinking monicker of Canadian Dry Newman and has this hang up about building huge tunnels. I wonder if this Newman cookie wants to corner the lucrative mushroom growing market or is related to US Air Force General Curtis E. LeMay who was keen to nuke North Vietnam . I bombed out of service in the US Air Force myself after an incident involving a wine bottle throwing episode in a guardhouse .
Pointing his can of mace at me , the AFP officer informs me Queensland’s hero is some guy called King Wally . King Wally? What has happened to this great south land? The last time I was in Australia and addressed the stunned National Press Club in Canberra I thought the country was on the path to become a republic. But now people bow down to some joker , I am told, who gets about in a cloak , wears a crown and uses a brand of soap called XXXX.
The relieved AFP squad put me aboard the glittering new train, Spirit of Queensland, for the run to a place up north called Townsville where a friendly Australian Labor Party candidate , Coralee O’Rourke , has invited me to a screening of A Streetcar Named Desire , which makes me feel homesick, and brings back fond memories of my old mate Marlon Brando, eventually a victim of the junk food industry .
NEXT : Stranger happenings than Murder on the Orient Express and frequent sightings of vampire bats along the scenic route to Townsville.