Friday, January 23, 2015


Exclusive election  coverage by Gonzo journalist  Hunter S. Thompson. Contrary to exaggerated media reports, Thompson, like Elvis Presley ,  lives  and  has come to Queensland  at  the  start of a journey  to get  at   the heart of the Sunshine State  sell  off  nightmare to  give it  his    famous FEAR AND LOATHING  ON  THE  CAMPAIGN  TRAIL  treatment .
BRISBANE : Before I boarded  the CIA  flight to Australia  , my old  bikie buddies in Hell’s Angels  , about whom I wrote a  book, warn  me  that  Australia  is now in the  hands of  the  corporate mobsters  who wear  suits, blue ties , smoke cigars , and  don’t  pay taxes , while the bulk of  the    stiffs  are  squeezed so much they sound  like  Hollywood  Championship  Wrestling  grunters .   

There are  regular  CIA  flights  into any country which plans to exercise democracy  and  vote , especially in countries  which grow  a heap of  bananas, like Queensland . Remember the  poor hombres south of the US border,down Guatemala way, in debt slavery working for the American United  Fruit Company ,  who kicked out a  dictator, set up a democratic regime ,  and  the CIA moved in and  organised  a military  uprising ,  people were massacred, and another  dictator was installed.  Such is the American  Dream  . And of  course , it is widely  believed  that  the  CIA  got  rid  of  Gough Whitlam when he was the enlightened  top  banana  in  Australia . 

I spent a lot of time in the newspaper morgue in Aspen, Colorado , abusing neo Fascists and   boning up  on  the  Queensland election scene, reading  the dreary Queensland  newspapers, seemingly written  by  graduates  from the Kardashian School of Journalism.    My usual travelling  companion, the Samoan Attorney , could not come along for the trip because he has  been hired to represent  a large  number of the Samoan  ruling  elite on corruption  charges , many of them relatives . Walt Disney  considered  carrying my  grog and medication  esky on this expedition , but said he thought the Queensland   weather  would  be too hot  and  cause him  to thaw. 

Through research I decided  to jet into Bris Vegas and catch the new train on the run  north  which has   apparently replaced  something  called the tilt train  because the old  rattler caused  cups  of  coffee and hot sausage  rolls to  tip onto the laps of  passengers , resulting  in  expensive  legal  class  actions.

 While  being driven  from  the Brisbane  airport by  a nervous  posse from the   Australian Federal Police, some with riot shields  and tasers, I wonder if  the Cuban missile crisis  has  been resurrected by the  warmongering  Republican whackos  while  I am  asleep in  the  air  as  I notice  what appears to be  a giant underground   nuclear bomb  shelter  being  dug  all  the way to  China . 
A cop holding back a  growling  Rottweiler,  which wants to  share my  complimentary, inflight CIA   hamburger , tells  me  the  local governor is some  dude who   goes  under the  drinking   monicker of  Canadian Dry  Newman  and  has  this  hang up  about building  huge  tunnels. I wonder  if  this  Newman cookie  wants  to corner the  lucrative  mushroom growing  market  or   is  related  to US Air Force General Curtis E. LeMay  who  was  keen to  nuke  North Vietnam .  I  bombed  out  of   service  in  the  US  Air  Force myself after an incident involving a  wine bottle throwing episode  in a  guardhouse .   

Pointing  his  can of  mace  at me , the AFP officer  informs me   Queensland’s  hero is some guy called King Wally . King Wally? What has happened to this great south land? The last time I was in Australia  and addressed  the stunned  National Press Club in Canberra  I  thought the country   was  on the path to  become  a republic.  But now people bow down  to some  joker  , I am told,  who gets about  in  a  cloak , wears  a  crown  and  uses  a   brand of soap called XXXX.
Hunter in  Bananaland
The  relieved AFP squad put me aboard   the glittering   new train, Spirit of Queensland,  for the run  to a place  up north  called Townsville  where a  friendly  Australian Labor Party   candidate ,  Coralee O’Rourke , has invited  me to a  screening of  A Streetcar  Named Desire , which  makes me feel homesick, and brings  back  fond  memories of my  old mate  Marlon  Brando, eventually a  victim  of  the  junk  food industry . 

From the Little Darwin theatre collection ,1950 J.C.Williamson  Adelaide  production  program . Main actors  were Viola Keats, related to poet John Keats, in the role of Blanche Du Bois ;Americans  Arthur Franz  as  Stanley Kowalski  and Russell Hardie, Mitch. 

 NEXT : Stranger happenings than Murder on the  Orient  Express and  frequent sightings  of   vampire   bats  along  the scenic route  to  Townsville.