An eyewitness to the tragic bicycle accident said Abbott screamed and called on his heroes and mentors, Archbishop Pell and B.A. Santamaria , to lay healing hands upon his crushed crown jewels .
A doctor told Little Darwin Abbott is obviously suffering from a double hernia and almost certainly has a badly torn inner tube . Singer sewing machine oil may also have leaked out of his sprocket into the gudgeon pin , causing him to backflip from time to time .
The doctor said the only known specialist in the Southern Hemisphere who can repair pulverised gizonkas overnight is a refugee on Christmas Island. If Mr Abbott wanted to get back on his bike and continue the election campaign, his handlers should immediately hire a Manly ferry and proceed at top speed for the island , making sure they dodge the alert navy patrol boats that operate out of Darwin .