Saturday, July 31, 2010

COALITION CAMPAIGN HIT BY PAINFUL CODSWALLOP ON ROCKY ROAD

The Coalition’s Dirty Tricks Machine ground to a halt today when the ball bearings seized on Tony Abbott’s bicycle causing him to slam down on the cross bar and crush his gizonkas. The ABC’s Insiders TV show ran a photograph showing the Mad Monk grimacing as a heavy handed Liberal tried to reshape his vitals which, apart from being swollen to the size of the average 800 lb dining room gorilla , have an odious coating of Warringah sand , sunflower seed husks and a pecked piece of tasty cuttlefish bone.

An eyewitness to the tragic bicycle accident said Abbott screamed and called on his heroes and mentors, Archbishop Pell and B.A. Santamaria , to lay healing hands upon his crushed crown jewels .

A doctor told Little Darwin Abbott is obviously suffering from a double hernia and almost certainly has a badly torn inner tube . Singer sewing machine oil may also have leaked out of his sprocket into the gudgeon pin , causing him to backflip from time to time .

The doctor said the only known specialist in the Southern Hemisphere who can repair pulverised gizonkas overnight is a refugee on Christmas Island. If Mr Abbott wanted to get back on his bike and continue the election campaign, his handlers should immediately hire a Manly ferry and proceed at top speed for the island , making sure they dodge the alert navy patrol boats that operate out of Darwin .