Despite having been told on two occasions by female medical practitioners that men 60 and over who clamber up ladders onto roofs fit the description bestowed by PM Bob Hawke on an elderly gentleman , I cannot restrain myself from occasionally going aloft .
In the crazy national ritual of tidying households , inside and out , for Christmas , a palm frond which had caught up high on a flame tree for at least a month created a challenge which caused me to twitch , get the old urge to become a Canadian lumberjack. Don't be stupid and risk life and limb by trying to get the annoying frond down to earth , a voice within the old cranium repeated .
So on Christmas Day, the frond was still hanging there , mocking me . Was I man , mouse or an old codger ? On Boxing Day I eyed the frond but did not rush in like a deranged chain store bargain hunter . The next day , I cracked : the rotten, rusty telescopic branch lopper , which had never worked properly in my opinion , and the rickety ladder ,were pulled out of the shed .
Safety glasses were donned...instantly steamed up, so that I could hardly see. Thus prepared , I began to climb the ladder and attempt to either push the wretched frond down or cut it up into pieces until it , not l , responding like Newton's apple, fell to the ground .
Safety glasses were donned...instantly steamed up, so that I could hardly see. Thus prepared , I began to climb the ladder and attempt to either push the wretched frond down or cut it up into pieces until it , not l , responding like Newton's apple, fell to the ground .
It was hard going . The rotten lopper kept on sliding back into the shaft , angry green ants showered down on me , attacked my eyes , climbed up my legs into the shorts, went for the vitals , sweaty joints and underarms .
This caused me to make several hasty retreats to beat off the ants and curse the lopper which , fully extended, seemed about three metres long , before it regularly collapsed .
Determined to succeed , the lopper was twisted until it no longer collapsed , the safety glasses were cleaned , only to instantly fog up , and charged back up the ladder . Several small pieces were cut from the frond , but it still remained firmly hooked over a branch , next to the trunk .
A bout of frenzied activity with the saw part seemed to achieve nothing much except for another shower of green ants and near strangulation by the cord that operated the cutter blade . In my hysteria, I energetically jerked the lopper about trying to knock the frond to the ground . This resulted in me falling off backwards from the ladder, firmly holding the extended pole with both hands, but fortunately landed on my feet, running backwards into a clump of hibiscus , upsetting a Curlew in the process. Was it The Goons who sang the idiotic song about running backwards for Christmas ?
As I plummeted to earth I felt like a silly old bugger-yet again . Made a mental note to try new medication ; monkey gland injections are said to make you a new man , whatever that enables you to do?
Further wild wielding of the lopper surprisingly forced the frond to fall down and it was immediately hacked into toothpick-sized pieces for having given me so much trouble .
Up early the next day , I walked outside to admire the frond free flame tree ....only to be greeted by another X*-X@X+* frond hanging from the flaming tree , much higher up ! It is the one at the top of this post , and even though it looks easy to knock down , it can stay there till next Christmas , or until the monsoons arrive and blow it down .
Up there Cazaly follow up : wind blew down the frond and two others .
Up there Cazaly follow up : wind blew down the frond and two others .
