INDEPENDENCE EXCLUSIVE !
WORLD’S NEWEST MONARCHY
In an announcement which stunned this assembled press reporter, a neatly dressed man who bore a striking resemblance to someone on the tip of my tongue uttered the words announcing Magnautic Island’s Declaration of Independence. As a fully independent country its name has become Magnautitronland. The acclaimed editor of this newspaper - Prince Bewlay, as he modestly introduced himself - wore a trendy Rivers shirt and traditional Yakka shorts. The absence of ceremonial cricket pads was not explained.
By Court Reporter Panter Beeley ,Esq.
The Prince claims that not only are the Magnautitronland islanders behind him but also the Magnautic Island Times (that powerful organ for good which sustains fearless journalists like myself) and when asked whether he was taking the reins of Government unto himself, the Prince modestly explained that a Monarch was soon to be elected by acclamation and he or she would announce the officeholders of Government. Exhausted by this long sentence, he wearily assured us that he was at the service of the Magnautitron community and already knew what high office was about, as he climbed a flight of stairs several times a day.
Once again he reminded me of someone I couldn’t put my finger on, but this thought was lost in the imagery and soaring spirit of the declaration. On reflection, I’d put my finger on almost anybody but. If anything could restore the lost values of mateship and 6 o’clock closing , these stirring words would.
RESTORING LOST VALUES
In a booming voice reminiscent of an editor calling for a copyboy, Prince Bewlay read the declaration:
To Elizabeth, Queen of Australia, and her Government in Canberra, from His/Her Sovereign Majesty King/Queen (..fill in name when announced…) of Magnautitronland: For several decades you have failed to elect competent Prime Ministers of Australia and thus, having suffered the slings and arrows and consequences of poor government, we hereby give notice of this our Universal Declaration of De-Commonwealthment, effective immediately. His/Her Sovereign Majesty King/Queen (…fill in name later…) will assume monarchical duties over all of Magnautic Island (except the public toilet at the Ferry Wharf, which shall remain part of Australia).
As your new Sovereign, I (…fill in name…), will appoint a Governor for Magnautitronland ( nee Magnautic Island) without the need for further elections, and Upper and Lower houses are superfluous to an Absolute Monarchy. To aid in the transition to a benevolent dictatorship, the following rules are introduced to Magnautitronland with immediate effect:
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'color,' 'favor,' 'labor' and 'neighbor.' The letter pronounced ‘haitch’ is henceforth banned. The suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, Magnautitronlanders will be expected to raise their vocabulary to acceptable levels. (People who can read should look up 'vocabulary').
2. Conversations using the same twenty-three words interspersed with the filler expressions ’like’, ‘sort of’, ‘kind of’ and 'you know' is unacceptable. Microsoft spell-checkers will be banned or adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of '-ize’, eg: ‘upsize’ and ‘downsize’.
4. Magnautitronlanders will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a bottle opener. A permit will be required to own an attack rabbit.
5. The intersection at the turnoff to Condom Corner will be replaced with a roundabout. The metric system is to be banned with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
6. We will cease playing NRL football and Australian Rules. There is only one kind of proper football and it is Rugby Union. Soccer is an abomination, played by men of uncertain gender. Previous supporters of NRL and soccer will learn cricket.
7. Magnautic Island will send a team of athletes to the next Olympic Games. Negotiations are underway to introduce the sports of Witty Conversation, Amateur Gardening and Drinking Before Lunch.
8. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her/His Majesty's Court will be with you shortly to quantify all the monies you and your forebears have paid to the ATO (backdated to 1900). We will collect the refund for you and hold it in a blind account somewhere in the South Pacific.
9. Business Hours on Magnautic Island will begin promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers (never mugs), with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season. Business ceases at 4:50pm so people can get home in time for dinner.
Such a declaration ordinarily would have as much excitement as a paper bag of frozen whitebait, but Bewlay did himself proud. The writers of the document will remain anonymous for the present but their place in history is assured. They are already calling themselves ‘founding fathers.’ Several of the Island’s single mothers understand this to mean ‘foundling fathers’ and are searching for the men. Now we must wait until the name of our Monarch is released.
SEARCH FOR A MONARCH
By Congenitanalia reporter Bhur Leepete
In Nepal every Dali Llama is reborn anew as a child but must be found and acclaimed. In Magnautitronland our search for a monarch doesn’t require thrashing through the shrubbery looking for an infant. There are a number of possible candidates, none of whom wear nappies or vomit on their mothers’ shoulders. An exhaustive telephone survey with Morrie Bicuspid’s wife Nefertiti narrowed the ‘preferred’ list to just a few. The guidelines for eligibility are: - Must have finished primary school. - Must be able to spell ‘Magnautitronland’. - Must be able to sing the new National Anthem (yet to be written). - Must be free of parasites. - Must look good in a frock or shorts, as the occasion requires. Building a new society from the top down will test even the most experienced Monarch, like Nebuchadnezzar or Boadicea. NEXT: Providing there has not been a military coup or the entire Magnautic Island Times staff has not been certified and dragged away to receive shock treatment from an irish doctor on the mainland , rest assured and sedated that more incredible scoops will be published .