Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Since 2013, an unbroken tradition of  Community News  without  Foam  or Flavour
Magnautic Island Times

Typical islanders, many of them Tory voters and  Andrew  Bolt  readers  , react to news of  independence .
In an announcement which stunned this assembled press reporter, a neatly dressed man who bore a striking resemblance to someone on the tip of my tongue uttered the words announcing Magnautic Island’s Declaration of Independence. As a fully independent  country its name has become Magnautitronland. The acclaimed editor of this newspaper - Prince Bewlay, as he modestly introduced himself - wore a trendy Rivers shirt and traditional Yakka shorts. The absence of ceremonial cricket pads was not explained.
By  Court Reporter  Panter Beeley ,Esq. 
The Prince claims that not only are the Magnautitronland islanders behind him but also the Magnautic Island Times (that powerful organ for good which sustains fearless journalists like  myself) and when asked whether he was taking the reins of Government unto himself, the Prince modestly explained that a Monarch was soon to be elected by acclamation and he or she would announce the officeholders of Government.  Exhausted by this long sentence, he wearily assured us that he was at the service of the Magnautitron community and already knew what high office was about, as  he climbed a  flight of  stairs  several  times  a  day.
Once again he  reminded me of  someone I couldn’t put my finger on, but this thought was lost in the imagery and soaring spirit of the declaration. On reflection, I’d put my finger  on  almost anybody but. If anything  could restore the lost values of mateship and 6 o’clock closing , these stirring words would.
In a booming voice reminiscent of an editor calling for a copyboy, Prince Bewlay read the declaration:
To Elizabeth, Queen of Australia, and her Government in Canberra, from His/Her Sovereign Majesty King/Queen (..fill in name when announced…) of Magnautitronland: For several decades you have failed to elect competent Prime Ministers of Australia and thus, having suffered the slings and arrows and consequences of poor government, we hereby give notice of this our Universal Declaration of De-Commonwealthment, effective immediately. His/Her Sovereign Majesty King/Queen (…fill in name later…) will assume monarchical duties over all of Magnautic Island (except the public toilet at the Ferry Wharf, which shall remain part of  Australia).
As your new Sovereign, I (…fill in name…), will appoint a Governor for Magnautitronland ( nee  Magnautic Island) without the need for further elections, and Upper and Lower houses are superfluous to an Absolute Monarchy. To aid in the transition to a benevolent dictatorship, the following rules are introduced to Magnautitronland with immediate effect:

1. The  letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'color,' 'favor,' 'labor' and 'neighbor.'  The letter pronounced ‘haitch’ is henceforth banned. The suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.'  Generally, Magnautitronlanders will be expected to raise their vocabulary to acceptable levels.  (People who can read should look up 'vocabulary').
2. Conversations using the same twenty-three words interspersed with the filler expressions ’like’, ‘sort of’, ‘kind of’ and 'you know' is unacceptable. Microsoft spell-checkers will be banned or adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of  '-ize’, eg: ‘upsize’ and ‘downsize’.
3. Australia Day will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. Instead, the Island will celebrate “King/Queen…(fill in name)..Week” each year, the Coronation Day long 7-day weekend.
4. Magnautitronlanders will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a bottle opener.  A permit will be required to own an attack rabbit.
5. The intersection at the turnoff to Condom Corner will be replaced with a roundabout. The metric system is to be banned with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.  
6. We will cease playing NRL football and Australian Rules.  There is only one kind of proper football and it is Rugby Union. Soccer is an abomination, played by men of uncertain gender.  Previous supporters of NRL and soccer will learn cricket.
7. Magnautic Island will send a team of athletes to the next Olympic Games. Negotiations are underway to introduce the sports of Witty Conversation, Amateur Gardening and Drinking Before Lunch.
8. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her/His Majesty's Court will be with you shortly to quantify all the monies you and your forebears have paid to the ATO (backdated to 1900). We will collect the refund for you and hold it  in  a blind account somewhere in the South Pacific.
9. Business Hours on Magnautic Island will begin promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers (never mugs), with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season. Business ceases at 4:50pm  so  people can get  home  in  time for  dinner.
Such a declaration ordinarily would have as much excitement as  a  paper bag of frozen  whitebait, but Bewlay did himself proud. The  writers of the document will remain anonymous  for  the present  but their place in history is assured. They are already calling themselves ‘founding fathers.’ Several of the Island’s single mothers understand this to  mean ‘foundling fathers’ and  are  searching for  the men.  Now we  must wait  until the name of  our  Monarch is released.
Washington's White House where the  Independence Tea and  Plonk  Party  plotted  to  insert an inbred  member  of  the  Monarchy on  a  hastily assembled  Ikea  throne  on  Magnautic  Island .
By  Congenitanalia reporter Bhur Leepete
In  Nepal every Dali Llama is reborn anew as a child but must be found and acclaimed. In Magnautitronland our search for a monarch doesn’t require thrashing through the shrubbery looking for an infant. There are a number of possible candidates, none of whom wear nappies or vomit on their mothers’ shoulders. An exhaustive telephone survey with Morrie Bicuspid’s wife  Nefertiti narrowed the ‘preferred’ list to just a few. The guidelines for eligibility are: - Must have finished primary school. - Must be able to spell ‘Magnautitronland’. - Must be able to sing the new National Anthem (yet to be written).   - Must be free of parasites. -  Must look good in  a  frock or shorts, as the occasion requires.    Building  a  new society  from  the  top  down  will  test  even  the  most experienced Monarch,  like Nebuchadnezzar  or  Boadicea. NEXT: Providing there has not  been a military coup or  the entire  Magnautic  Island  Times  staff has not been certified  and   dragged  away to  receive  shock  treatment  from  an  irish  doctor on  the  mainland ,  rest  assured and sedated  that  more  incredible   scoops  will  be   published .