Attending the 2011 pre-Christmas sittings of the Northern Territory Legislative Assembly has been like a visit to Santa’s Choccywoccydoodah Cave in a cavernous departmental store - without a mob of stressed parents and screaming children in attendance . In fact, this ghost writer was the only person in the public gallery and on one occasion was the subject of derisory comment and chuckles .
The jolly Christmas spirit literally kicked off when the Chief Minister, Paul Henderson, described the opposition CLP as gutless wonders and spineless. These festive season compliments failed to draw a reprimand from Madam Speaker, Jane Aagaard , as she seemed pre-occupied, looking at things on her throne, which from a distance seemed to be lists.
In an obvious Christmas frame of mind was Minister Kon Vatskalis, back from another trip to China where he addressed gatherings in Greco-Strine. On entering the chamber he quickly binned four pieces of paper from his desk ; then he began signing a pile of Christmas cards , ticking names off from a long mailing list. Paying no attention to the debate, Vatskalis signed each card with a flourish.
At one stage it looked as if Kon was saving the cost of a stamp and envelope when he passed a card to Marion Scrymgour, sitting behind him. She examined the card closely, smiled, passed it to Karl Hampton , who returned it to Kon . Perhaps it was some kind of new-fangled chain letter Xmas card, a boomerang ? The cards were being churned out in such large numbers that he ran out of ink, and groped around in a pouch for another pen. On the CLP side, Peter Chandler was also into the Chrissy spirit, signing cards and slipping them into envelopes.
While belting the CLP with a spikey holly branch and a stocking filled with sand , the Chief Minister used what could be regarded as an ageist expression-repeated-when he referred to prominent former CLP figures, Marshall Perron and Grant Tambling, as oldtimers . In this politically correct day and age , Santa Claus is not called an oldtimer, even though his bizarre whiskers indicate he is as old as Methuselah, or else the fungus is false- surely not ? Then, like one of those ghosts who used chimneys as a dumb waiter in a TV adaptation of a Chas. Dickens classic , the CM withdrew from vision, walking backwards out a door.
It was then that CLP leader, Terry Mills, had the opportunity to say: Mixed nuts to you, Henderson ! The CM, he said , had been basking in the glory of US President Obama's visit the day before.
Yet, here in the Legislative Assembly, the next day, when Territorians wanted a government to lead and serve them, Mills drew attention to the state of the public gallery. As stated above, I was the Lone Ranger. Stifling the urge to cartwheel along the gallery while juggling three mangoes, I beamed back like a loon, as if the man with the NT Rent-A-Crowd franchise .
While this was going on , Vatskalis , busier than a man in a Nigerian telephone booth signing letters promising to make Aussie suckers filthy rich, was still churning out the Chrissy cards . Mills did not mention Santa’s offsiders, the busy little elves. Instead , he scoffed at the "little hollow men, " who plotted things on the fifth floor, obviously responsible for mapping out Santa’s important NT flight plans, delivering toys to kiddies throughout this stateless part of the nation,and somehow avoiding being breathalized.
Gazing down on those below from my lonely post, you could spot Christmas plum puddings in the making . They came in the shape of paunchy pollies. On the government side those obviously carrying weight were the CM , Karl Hampton , and Gerald McCarthy, the latter from a place which used to be called “ Siberia” - now a well- fed gulag - Tennant Creek.
On the Opposition side , Chandler took a drastic step during the year in the battle of the bulge when he had his stomach stapled and will almost certainly not come back for seconds on Christmas Day. Fong Lim flame, yummy flummery and voice thrower , Dave Tollner, now on the front bench, does not require a loudhailer as a Xmas present – his interjections are loud , many and mainly meaningless.
Tollner was reprimanded for using unparliamentary language, to wit - "A STUFF. " In all probability, he was , innocently, thinking what the NT Government would do to a large turkey when he made the comment. Like Copernicus, Tollner probably upset the Vatican by loudly proclaiming in Darwin's imitation Chevy Chase National Lampoon Christmas Vacation studio that Triton is a moon, not a planet.
A COOL YULE AND A FRANTIC FIRST. In translation, an early Merry Xmas and a Happy New Year to all our Little Darwin blessed bloggers .
