Scoop war zone report by William Boot sent by carrier pigeon , quickly made into a tasty , aphrodisiac pie for media baron Lord Coot , rumoured to be smitten by a young chorus girl .
CRIMEA: Nothing much happened here today- except for the usual hand to hand fighting and backstabbing among the Redfaced Coalition forces in the dangerous Broad Church area . There are , however, growing signs that Lord Turnbull of Ebenezer and Cayman will bravely lead a death defying charge in a vicious battle which could see him quickly stripped of his cardigan, balaclava , fleecy lined jodhpurs and crown if he fails to rout the enemy from within .
Indicators of a looming bloody battle is the fact that wily Lord Turnbull has given his favourite warhorse a double shot of cobalt and his closest admirer , Lucy Nightingale, has trimmed many a wick and bought gallons of kero to keep her lamp shining at night as she tends to the vast number of wounded soldiers expected from the true blue conflict.
Ms Nightingale, daughter of a well to do family, was given a cricket bat by her daddy when she was just a toddler and told to dong the snotty-nosed children of republicans when she went to kindergarten and played with them in the sandpit , especially on Australia Day.
Much of the bloody fighting will undoubtedly take place in the tribal areas around Sebastopol, also known as the old Tartar capital of Sydney , where warlords plot and dispense favours , onerous tasks which can lead to dehydration and a thirst for Grange and Coke...whichever is your poison .
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Modern Sydney showing Redfaced Coalition electorate battlelines
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