World Scoop by Spook Specialist, Horatio Bottomley, who was passed sensational Russian tapes of scrambled telephone conversations between US President Donald Trump and Media Mogul Rupert Murdoch .
TRUMP : Howdy doody , Rupert , old buddy . I want to thank you for telling the New York Times that I am a Star Spangled Drongo. There is no doubt you are God's gift to journalism . I presume a Drongo is a lovable, patriotic critter like Koalas Down Under...that shithole of a country you abandoned years ago , which is now run by Trumbles , who looks and sounds like the president of the Jelly of the Month Club .
MURDOCH , seemingly not yet properly awake, it being nearly midday : Who is this? -You have the wrong number . Get off immediately. This is a direct line to the White House Rose Garden . You have obviously pressed the wrong button.
TRUMP, laughing : You are a born comedian, Rupert . Of course it is the right number, right next to the nuclear attack button. I have another thorny- not horny- problem that you may be able to solve .
MURDOCH : Jeesus ! It is you , Mr President.
TRUMP : Yep . Those fake fakirs of the free press are claiming I am bonkers, that my cogs , or some other similar sounding part of my anatomy , are slowing down , that I am not a fit and proper person to be running the Free World into the ground.
MURDOCH : Rest assured none of my reporters at Fox News -the fair and balanced service -dare say things like that , Mr President.
TRUMP : I know I can count on you , Rupert. By the way, did you mother name you after Rupert the Rabbit , that oddly dressed critter from a Pommie book for children , with the strange line about there was a hole where his tail came through ?...Or is it something to do with your religion? ... Would you believe my mother named me after Daffy Donald Duck ?... Just between you and me , Rupert , old mate , I have developed rheumatism in my digits due to constantly punching out all these words of wisdom into the twittersphere. Also , my eyesight is not the best... I have to increasingly feel my way around the Oval Office .
MURDOCH , after imitating the call of an Aussie Crow , hangs up to hurriedly sell off the rest of his empire , and reaches for pills in the newly installed executive nuclear fallout shelter .... Clicking detected on tape , nervous Ruskie heard ringing KGB Travel Agency and booking urgent one way ticket to New Zealand .
NEXT SENSATIONAL TAPE : Murdoch offers Trump key job Down Under !!!!
