Magnautic Island Times Inter-galactic Scoop
By Unexplained Phenomena Eyewitness Reporter, Peeby Beeply
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Alien monster Grubzilla devouring Magnautic Island - exclusive photo taken by Vallis who is now missing in action, believed reduced to fertiliser . Pine trees in this graphic shot are 30 metres high , so the enormous invader is taller than the Empire State Building , where King Kong used to swing about, and growing by the hour .
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This reporter may have been the first man on the
planet to watch Grubzilla, as it is now dubbed, heave its ghastly bulk off
the Magnautic Island ferry while I was shaving on late Thursday morning – but
that’s an informed guess, it could have been Wednesday. I was scraping off
residual shaving foam, whiskers and traces of vomit when the monster appeared
behind me in the mirror.
By a quirk of
physical serendipity, the mirror was aligned with the rear view-mirror on my
car and Miss Mitzi Bicuspid’s reflective sunglasses on the windowsill of her
bedroom down the street, and it was via these engines of reflective imagery
that I first saw the monster. After another heavy night’s news-gathering at
various Island hostelries, this reporter (a neatly dressed man who resembles
the Duck of Edinburgh) was aghast to
witness Grubzilla demolish various Island landmarks without warning by what can
only be described as a grossly enlarged yet wizened Witchetty Grub, probably
from outer space, in a really pissed-off mood.
In a similar situation other
reporters would have fled, but a similar situation being unavailable this
reporter stood his ground by locking myself in the garden shed and calmly
collecting all the insecticide, ant dust, plant spray and 2-4-5-T I could lay
my hands on. Before your reporter had time to fearlessly hurl these chemicals
at the Grub from Hell it moved on to attack our Island’s cultural attractions,
a park bench and a snorkel trail, and worse, our beloved statue of Keith Packer
embracing Warwick Fairfax. Nothing less than a cultural Armageddon threatens
our citizens.
Missing in action : Last shot of petrifying grub taken by poor Vallis before disappearing without trace .
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ISLAND THINK TANK
All the best brains on the Island have formed a
Think Tank to seek a solution to this apocalyptic problem. The two members of
the Think Tank issued the following statement 30 minutes ago from their bunker
under the wine cellar at Pepper’s Resort (warning, the text contains French revolutionary language , banned in Queensland , because the peasants might rise up ):
Allons enfants de la Patrie! Let us march to Glory.
This monster is no more than the equivalent of an over-developed Witchetty Grub mutated by pollutants and artificial sweeteners. Bitch-slap it with the ORGANIC vegetables from your gardens! Stick your ORGANIC carrots where the sun doesn’t shine!
Ram your ORGANIC marrows and cucumbers where none but the brave dare enter! Send it back to where it came from (believed to be Queanbeyan) with a cheer from the citizens of our cherished Island.
EDITORIAL (abridged and sanitised )
By Petter
Blogulay,
VC and
pre-Walkley Award.
As promised ,The Magnautic Island Times will provide out of this world and out of a bottle experiences for discerning Australians and Ukrainian readers . To show you that I am bent in various ways, here is a literary obsession of mine :
If Jules Verne was alive today he’d simply die of
déjà vu. And if he had been a Magnautic Islander instead of a twisted little French fantasist his books would have been less
alarmist and more to do with real life.
The arrival of Grubzilla, an apparently
apocalyptic Beast, named by Horrie Bicuspid’s 8 –year-old adopted grandniece
Madonna-Wavelength III, did lack a
quality of shock spectacular better seen in John Carpenter’s The Thing (1982) and Zombies vs Cockneys (2011). The original
Japanese monster Godzilla (1954)
bears no resemblance to Grubzilla
(2013) which is NOT a man dressed in a lizard suit.
This
newspaper asks why Grubzilla has come to our Island when it would be more at
home in a pub with the late Russ Hinze or wallowing in Loch Ness. Or does it
have a political agenda? Before he was squashed to death on the footpath near
the Sealink terminal, local identity Alfie Curmudgeon noted it wore a tag with
Simon Peter printed on it. Why would it take the Biblical name of one of JC’s
disciples? And might it simply be an advertising stunt by the Magnautic Island
Citizens’ Council to attract tourists? Expect more brilliant stories and offers of free firewood for summer in coming editions .
This astonishing Grubzilla scoop escaped the attention of the nearest mainland newspaper, The Gigglesville Bugle , where daily editorial conferences start with a snort of laughing gas.
