Some people scoffed when Little Darwin asked , “Anybody for a prolonged military coup ?” Now the Territory is in the hands of a powerful Enid Blyton junta- the Famous Five- who have seized control of the cubby house and will call the Chief Minister in each month for a show and tell session.
*To cover the D-Day struggle for survival in the Legislative Assembly,we sent in our respected team of gonzo journalists to describe the no confidence debate from many angles. Each of our senior reporters provided a separate report on the happenings, the first dispatch delivered to us by a military deserter from Ripping Yarns . It reads -
CONTRARY TO the first bloody D-Day battle on the beaches of Normandy, Gerry , pronounced Jerry in the Hunnish fashion , won . He captured the Territory in an audacious act similar to the German annexation of Sudetenland and the subsequent blitzkrieg of Poland which plunged the world into WW11 . In three days , Jerry had secretly amassed 10 panzer divisions in the rural area , their tanks filled with high octane Humpty Doo mango juice, ready to swoop.
A brilliant tactician, Field Marshall Woodmeister , awarded five iron crosses and a star picket, won the battle without the loss of one life. A document guaranteeing peace in our time , witnessed by Neville Chamberlain, was given to the quaking Territory Chief Minister, Paul Henderson . Carrying a riding crop and brandishing a Bunnings toilet plunger for clearing S-bend blockages , Jerry handed the sweating Chief Minister a detailed blueprint for a new quisling government .
Underneath the lamplight, just behind the battle lines, a brave nurse in the Free French resistance force , Jodeen Carney , said the new political set up in the Territory meant there were now two Chief Ministers –Field Marshall Woodmeister and Paul Henderson , which she said were like B1 and B2 , those delightful bananas in pyjamas , an apt description , but there is only one top banana in the new regime, the one with the sabre scar from his student duelling days in the Howard Springs Tavern. Vichy government supporters dragged Carney away , and she is now believed to be rotting in a new tidal prison personally designed by Woodmeister.
Field Marshall Woodmeister now refers to CM Henderson as Colonel Klink and warns him that one false step and he will be sent to the dreaded Eastern front . As NT News war correspondent Nigel Adlam examined and cleaned his sunglasses during the trench warfare debate, he reminded this reporter of a WW 11 photo of the German commander of North African forces, Field Marshall Rommel , called the "Desert Fox", who wore large goggles to protect his eyes from sand and Aussie Desert Rats ; Rommel later plotted against Hitler and was forced to suicide.
*To cover the D-Day struggle for survival in the Legislative Assembly,we sent in our respected team of gonzo journalists to describe the no confidence debate from many angles. Each of our senior reporters provided a separate report on the happenings, the first dispatch delivered to us by a military deserter from Ripping Yarns . It reads -
CONTRARY TO the first bloody D-Day battle on the beaches of Normandy, Gerry , pronounced Jerry in the Hunnish fashion , won . He captured the Territory in an audacious act similar to the German annexation of Sudetenland and the subsequent blitzkrieg of Poland which plunged the world into WW11 . In three days , Jerry had secretly amassed 10 panzer divisions in the rural area , their tanks filled with high octane Humpty Doo mango juice, ready to swoop.
A brilliant tactician, Field Marshall Woodmeister , awarded five iron crosses and a star picket, won the battle without the loss of one life. A document guaranteeing peace in our time , witnessed by Neville Chamberlain, was given to the quaking Territory Chief Minister, Paul Henderson . Carrying a riding crop and brandishing a Bunnings toilet plunger for clearing S-bend blockages , Jerry handed the sweating Chief Minister a detailed blueprint for a new quisling government .
Underneath the lamplight, just behind the battle lines, a brave nurse in the Free French resistance force , Jodeen Carney , said the new political set up in the Territory meant there were now two Chief Ministers –Field Marshall Woodmeister and Paul Henderson , which she said were like B1 and B2 , those delightful bananas in pyjamas , an apt description , but there is only one top banana in the new regime, the one with the sabre scar from his student duelling days in the Howard Springs Tavern. Vichy government supporters dragged Carney away , and she is now believed to be rotting in a new tidal prison personally designed by Woodmeister.
Field Marshall Woodmeister now refers to CM Henderson as Colonel Klink and warns him that one false step and he will be sent to the dreaded Eastern front . As NT News war correspondent Nigel Adlam examined and cleaned his sunglasses during the trench warfare debate, he reminded this reporter of a WW 11 photo of the German commander of North African forces, Field Marshall Rommel , called the "Desert Fox", who wore large goggles to protect his eyes from sand and Aussie Desert Rats ; Rommel later plotted against Hitler and was forced to suicide.
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*The second , well balanced version of the momentous day in Territory history, was delivered to us by a Sherman tank flying a white flag , and reads thus …
GILBERT AND SULLIVAN are frantically working on a musical comedy based on the amazing outcome of the no confidence debate in the NT Legislative Assembly. The unusual musical will be a cross between the Mikado ( chorus and orchestra provided by Inpex ) , The Pirates of Penzance ( a bunch of real estate agents ) , HMS Torn Pinafore, The Yoeman of the Guard, Iolanthe and Stop Your Tickling, Jock. Inspiration will also be drawn from Andrew Lloyd Weber’s smash hits, Les ALP Miserables and Cat and Dog Fights on a Hot Tin Roof.
As our scholarly readers already know , it is not sure whether Chief Minister Paul Henderson was the victim of a croc which escaped from the NT News crocodile farm or the Fijian coup leader, Commodore Frank Bainimarama, seizing power. No matter, we are now a banana and ukelele strumming republic . Whatever the outcome, it will make a fabulous musical comedy and provide some much needed levity for the world’s leaders who are wrestling with global warming, the GFC , religious fanatics, crazy wars and the growing oppression of hundreds of millions by military juntas.
NEWSFLASH : All the passengers and motley crew aboard the S(pin) S(hip) Titanic have been saved by a lone bumboat skipper , Gerry Wood , who went out for a day of rest and resuscitation, fishing for barramundi in Bynoe Harbour . The Titanic had been flying a flag indicating an outbreak of truth and yellow fever . Then it hit an iceberg . Unfortunately, Wood caught swine flu after administering mouth to mouth resuscitation to the ship’s master, Captain Queeg ,who lost his ball bearings during the drama , and is now in Royal Darwin Hospital.
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Now for something entirely different - a less polished appraisal by a cadet reporter, fresh out of a creative writing course at Charles Darwin University , who recently joined Little Darwin as the office whipping boy…
NOTHING MUCH happened in the Northern Territory Legislative Assembly today. ( Editor’s note –What? This kid must be a refugee from the ABC which took the same strange line ). The whippersnapper continued…
A chook was seen nesting under the desk of a minister, the Speaker of the House whipped her gear off , another minister was revealed as a druggie and the ghost of former Governor-General , John Kerr, dressed in Melbourne Cup mufti , was seen lurching about the Wedding Cake.
(Editor’s comment –Explain this nonsense, I demanded , giving him a touch up with the rattan cane , stolen from the News office, renowned for its discipline of staff . Much to my surprise , he could back up all this apparent drivel. Unlike the rest of the media crew at the debate, he sat in the public gallery situated in the West Wing –where all political aficionados congregate- and peered down on the government members . This enabled him to look at their laptop screens , peer inside their drawers , use his Junior G-Man magnifying glasses , bought on e-bay, to read speeches and top secret memos. He vows and declares that there was a large soft toy chicken at the foot of Minister Rob Knight . A sooky vegan , our scribe was shocked at the sight of seeing a bird being trodden underfoot by a pollie , so he slipped out and made a complaint on his mobile to the RSPCA . Good lad. If anybody is entitled to be cruel to a chicken , it is that homely old Yank, Colonel Sanders ). Our pimply tyro continued…
While the incompetence , dysfunctionality and spinning of the NT Government was being revealed in a well crafted speech by the Opposition Leader ,Terry Mills , a minister pulled open a drawer - revealing a pile of pills , probably Panadol, but then again there may have been a cyanide capsule to be taken when the rapacious Russians are pounding on the Wedding Cake bunker door.
(Editor’s note- What is this nonsense about the speaker disrobing ? She is a demure lady who can turn on a good lamington, scone and stimulant event. Sure enough, she did whip off her town clerk’s outfit with the white lace trimmings at the throat in the shape of periwinkle blooms. She stepped down from her electrically operated speaker’s throne , which glides to and fro like a Darlek in attack - and- destroy mode, to contribute to the debate . It is not often that a Speaker of any parliament sheds her official clobber to participate in a contentious debate , and the media appeared not to have noticed. Unfortunately , almost nothing of her speech could be heard from the public gallery, possibly due to the lousy sound system in the chamber or her microphone may have been turned down low. Accepting the Speaker explanation , I then asked the cadet to explain the improbable and spooky presence of Sir John Kerr, president of the Australian Limp Fallers’ Club. The annoying little swat said the way Gerry Wood read out his extensive list of demands reminded him of the time he had seen a TV documentary in which the silver haired G-G addressed the opening of Federal parliamentary, not using the royal we but the lesser vice- regal terminology - “my government shall…” After receiving all these laudable explanations, I kindly said the junior reporter could leave early after sweeping the office floor and removing the annoying green frog from under the lip of the toilet bowl, which tickles and frightens female staff ).
Summing up . In simple terms , the Northern Territory , part of the great Western democratic tradition, is now effectively run by five people. Should the voters of Afghanistan and Japan be worried by this ? The Country Party will suddenly wake up and realize, with two members in the Famous Five junta, it is in a powerful position and will be able to give Noddy hell . Not so the ALP , still clinging to the wallpaper by its fingernails, hoping not to be dragged out of office . Constitutional lawyers may have something to say about the running of the NT being sub-contracted out to a tiny rump.
One of the highlights of the debate was when comical Kon Vatskalis, Minister for Health and car rally enthusiast, raised a troubling possible scenario for the Territory. Italy, he said , had had a minority government since l949, which proved minority government could provide stability and deliver good governance An unfortunate example, thousands of Italian politicians and officials have been jailed ; bribery and corruption is rife ; leading companies are on record of having paid bribes ; a reformist journalist regularly holds public rallies , which attract applauding crowds about the size of the entire population of the NT , lambasting the crooked Italian government , especially Silvio Berlusconi , whom he has dubbed Mr Asphalt Head , due to his black hair transplant , the subject of scandal after scandal. This very morning, on the ABC’s Radio National Correspondents Report the sick Italian political scene and the antics of Berlusconi were covered . The reporter said supporters of Berlusconi wrongly blamed the Murdoch press for fabricating many reports discrediting the amorous Italian leader .
FBI TIP: During the debate , another eagle –eyed Little Darwin reporter noticed a book being furtively passed about by some members on the government side. The title could not be read , despite our spying aids , but the author was visible: JOHN BUCHANAN. There is a controversial American Republican political activist of that name . A former journalist , he dug up a lot of dirt on the Bush family , including Prescott Bush’s business dealings with the Nazi industrialist Fritz Thyssen , the link with pharmaceutical companies and biological weapons research . Buchanan stood as a candidate in the 2004 presidential race and firmly stated the Iraq invasion was staged to make war profits for Halliburton and the Carlyle Group. Now comes the really interesting bit-the Miami Police and the Secret Service investigated him when claims were made that he was connected with a plot to assassinate the president. The thought of possibly subversive literature by a man allegedly linked with a plot to knock of the US president should raise alarm bells in J.Edgar Hoover’s Darwin branch office and the ALP .
