Long suffering members of the Darwin Police Force now have a fiendish new way of reducing the many sprocket- headed goons who wilfully throw themselves into the NT’s maritime zone of economic influence . Instead of being rescued by gendarmes who put their own lives at risk, dorks who chuck themselves in the harbour and start swimming for Timor Leste will be assisted to complete their marathon Aussie crawl.
Acting on advice from Aussie Olympic swimming coaches , police will chuck T-bone steaks and smelly fish burley into the water to attract crocodiles , sharks and the Mandorah Monster . ( The Mandorah Monster , an horrific pre-historic creature , has been in hibernation for about 30 years and should be ravenous by now. ) In addition, the blood curdling Jaws theme played at full blast will be directed at the floundering finks and will undoubtedly speed them along the way. No walking on water will be tolerated by the police . Special combination telescopic batons / cattle prods which extend 200 metres will keep the swimmers submerged , flailing like windmills and screaming hysterically.
CRUMBS! ANOTHER IDIOT ON FILM
Darwin’s shellshocked police have rescued a bizarre driver who crashed while filming himself slipping bread rolls down the front of his knickerbockers . Each time he inserted a roll , he closed his eyes and sighed , “ I love you Helga .” The last time he performed this weird act , his car veered off the road into a sewage treatment pond . When he surfaced , police say he had something shaped like a wholesome wheatmeal roll jammed in his mouth – but it turned out to be a Grogan ! Yuk, spit, chunder !!!
CRUMBS! ANOTHER IDIOT ON FILM
Darwin’s shellshocked police have rescued a bizarre driver who crashed while filming himself slipping bread rolls down the front of his knickerbockers . Each time he inserted a roll , he closed his eyes and sighed , “ I love you Helga .” The last time he performed this weird act , his car veered off the road into a sewage treatment pond . When he surfaced , police say he had something shaped like a wholesome wheatmeal roll jammed in his mouth – but it turned out to be a Grogan ! Yuk, spit, chunder !!!
Naturally, no copper administered the kiss of life. It was left to the firefighers to carry out this thankless task. NT firefighters are now expected to perform as many extra duties as there are blades on a Swiss Army pocket knife. However, every member of the police rescue party will be nominated for a gun-metal gong and paid nightsoil money . The Commissioner will also invite them in for tea and a Swiss roll.
Police are deeply concerned about the growing number of deranged Territory motorists who film themselves doing strange things while driving at twice the speed of sound in a built up area. Recently , another driver was arrested as he captured himself on celluloid - or was it with a celluloid Kewpie doll ?- doing something unspeakable. The news reports of that arrest made the Northern Territory the laughing stock of the world. As a result, tourism has dived and Australians are now regarded as Wolf Creek weirdos . Another fruit case from Humpty Doo enhanced his manly image filming himself stuffing his jocks with jack fruit and bananas while driving the wrong way down a one way street, talking on a mobile , with his feet on the steering wheel ! He is believed to be a skilled Abrams tank driver from Robertson Barracks. Needless to say , shrinks predict an early outbreak of Mango Madness.
