RAMBO'S MUM SAVES UNCLE SAM

The Dow Jones index jumped a whopping 1000 points and Wall Street denizens got deliriously drunk today after it was announced that President Bush has called in Victor Stallone’s mum to solve the economic meltdown.

Mrs Stallone is famous for predicting the future by reading Coca-Cola tea leaves in the bottom of plastic cups at junk food outlets . She it was who advised former deranged Russian leader Boris Yeltsin that he was the re-incarnation of the famous American band leader Glenn Miller . On a state visit to Germany , Barmy Boris grabbed the baton from the conductor of an official Ooompah brass band and tried to get them to play Dawn Patrol . The Russian rouble dived overnight and vodka drinking exploded in Russia .

Rambo’s mum also told Boris that if he ate lots of strawberries and cream he would become the world’s top tennis player at Wimbledon . Unfortunately , he developed an unsightly allergy to strawberries and a bad case of Delhi Belly , the latter forcing him to sit out the tennis and play ping pong with Dame Margaret Thatcher .

A White House spokesman today said Mrs Stallone will help George Dubya and the Fed devise a solution to the nation’s economic ills. She will also assist the president overcome his speech impediment , just as she had with her famous son, affectionately known as Mumbles .