WHO IS POOR WILLY LUMP LUMP?

We at Little Darwin are frankly amazed by the unusual names parents give their unfortunate children. In Queensland , a baby has been given a name which on the face of it seems a bit exotic . However, closer examination reveals it is also a brand of rat poison! As far as we know, his second name is not Thallium. When he goes to school, the poor little blighter is sure to be called Ratty and teased endlessly . He’ll probably lead a dysfunctional Wind in the Willows way of life, drifting about like little Moses in the Brisbane River bulrushes. On the other hand, he is lucky his father , a keen fisherman, did not call him Flathead, Flounder or Grunter.

Another infant has been burdened with Nelson Horatio by his academic parents with a passion for nautical heroes and classics. We bet he will be gripped by mal de mer each time he sees his rubber ducky bobbing about in the bathtub and grows up a confirmed landlubber.

Over in New Zealand , a child recently took court action to change the odd monicker bestowed upon her at birth . The case brought to light other peculiar Kiwi names like Bus Shelter 42 (wonder what happened there?) and Champagne Amour - something must have popped . How could any parents call their little bundle of joy Crème of Tartar ? Perhaps they are in the baking business or eat marijuana cookies ?

Back here in Little Darwin , we carried out a scientific survey in a pub , carefully avoiding our turn to shout, and discovered that we have a wide variety of names for infants, but none overly bizarre ,which is hard to believe when there are so many dingbats in town.

These names ranged from the unfortunate , conventional Cyril and Bruce to the Singing Budgie, naughty Paris Hilton , wailing country music singers, Barbie’s suspect friend, Ken, and slinky models. Then there is the nickname a heartless Darwin father has given his teenage son who tends to be a mite clumsy : Willy Lump Lump! Who ?, we asked , thinking this was a reference to a cute character in a popular children’s book or TV series like lovable Bob the Builder.

No . It seems this lad could not understand the basic instructions on his giant Lego sets he received each birthday and everything he constructed instantly fell apart . Because of his incompetence , his gruff handyman father said his son would never climb the Latham ladder of opportunity and was destined to be another Willy Lump Lump. Baffled by this cruel declaration and feeling sorry for the kid, we were further directed to a huge , very active US website dealing with Willy Lump Lump failures , who appear to be thick on the ground over there. One explanation for a WLL is a person who pretends to be an expert but is really only skilled in creating snafus everywhere he goes - no wonder the Yanks are in one helluva mess.

According to our Washington Deep Throat informant , President Bush is patron of the Texas Legion of Willy Lump Lumps. These wretched Willys are keen on dressing up in Rear Admiral uniforms ,love marching about in military fashion and sport a chest full of made in China Purple Hearts. Our reverse charge calls to the Darwin chapter of the growing Willy Lump Lump Club have so far gone unanswered.

Our unfortunate Willy Lump Lump, we are told, repeatedly kicked the family cat , held a weekend toy fire sale and got rid of his infuriating mountain of Lego kits . Now he mixes with a small group of similar minded mugwumps who strut their stuff at Chevy Chase’s Wally World , enjoying the pomp and incompetence, high on the smell of their overcooked sausage sizzle.

UFO SHOCK HORROR GOOD NEWS

One of Darwin’s most gifted reporters was last night abducted by cruel aliens in a polka dot UFO which caused fear and panic when it circled the city . The horrified hack –Bob Boofhead- is employed at the highly respected Little Darwin weekly,The Cullen Bay Cock-Up , three times winner of the Walking Dead Award for Beat Ups.

Boofhead was drinking with a visiting Swedish journalist , Jonathan Holmes , when the fiendish looking creatures swooped down out of the sky and grabbed him. The pea green aliens are believed to be from the planet Tabloid Crud , in the toxic Chinese Milky Way cluster, pretty close to the Sun.

Still shaking from the terrible experience , Holmes , wearing a Nordic helmet for protection in the Mitchell Street taxi area, gave a graphic account of the monstrous event. "That swine Boofhead , like many thirsty Darwin scribes, had been freeloading on me all night , and was about to actually shout me a small beer when the UFO landed and ruined everything. Boofhead quickly pocketed his money, screamed , struggled violently and then collapsed, his furry tongue in cheek. I hope the aliens give him the full painful rectum examination with a wire brush when they got him back to base."

This is the fifth abduction of a reporter in two months. At this rate , the standard of reporting is tipped to improve dramatically . In the event that this blessed situation arises, UFOs will be invited to join the peak hour traffic congestion on Tiger Brennan Drive . Our civic fathers will present the aliens with the keys to the city and introduce them to lovely local girls who think many of the local men are far out yobboes with two heads and four bloodshot eyes.

RAMBO'S MUM SAVES UNCLE SAM

The Dow Jones index jumped a whopping 1000 points and Wall Street denizens got deliriously drunk today after it was announced that President Bush has called in Victor Stallone’s mum to solve the economic meltdown.

Mrs Stallone is famous for predicting the future by reading Coca-Cola tea leaves in the bottom of plastic cups at junk food outlets . She it was who advised former deranged Russian leader Boris Yeltsin that he was the re-incarnation of the famous American band leader Glenn Miller . On a state visit to Germany , Barmy Boris grabbed the baton from the conductor of an official Ooompah brass band and tried to get them to play Dawn Patrol . The Russian rouble dived overnight and vodka drinking exploded in Russia .

Rambo’s mum also told Boris that if he ate lots of strawberries and cream he would become the world’s top tennis player at Wimbledon . Unfortunately , he developed an unsightly allergy to strawberries and a bad case of Delhi Belly , the latter forcing him to sit out the tennis and play ping pong with Dame Margaret Thatcher .

A White House spokesman today said Mrs Stallone will help George Dubya and the Fed devise a solution to the nation’s economic ills. She will also assist the president overcome his speech impediment , just as she had with her famous son, affectionately known as Mumbles .

TERRITORY DRONGOES BE WARNED

Long suffering members of the Darwin Police Force now have a fiendish new way of reducing the many sprocket- headed goons who wilfully throw themselves into the NT’s maritime zone of economic influence . Instead of being rescued by gendarmes who put their own lives at risk, dorks who chuck themselves in the harbour and start swimming for Timor Leste will be assisted to complete their marathon Aussie crawl.

Acting on advice from Aussie Olympic swimming coaches , police will chuck T-bone steaks and smelly fish burley into the water to attract crocodiles , sharks and the Mandorah Monster . ( The Mandorah Monster , an horrific pre-historic creature , has been in hibernation for about 30 years and should be ravenous by now. ) In addition, the blood curdling Jaws theme played at full blast will be directed at the floundering finks and will undoubtedly speed them along the way. No walking on water will be tolerated by the police . Special combination telescopic batons / cattle prods which extend 200 metres will keep the swimmers submerged , flailing like windmills and screaming hysterically.

CRUMBS! ANOTHER IDIOT ON FILM
Darwin’s shellshocked police have rescued a bizarre driver who crashed while filming himself slipping bread rolls down the front of his knickerbockers . Each time he inserted a roll , he closed his eyes and sighed , “ I love you Helga .” The last time he performed this weird act , his car veered off the road into a sewage treatment pond . When he surfaced , police say he had something shaped like a wholesome wheatmeal roll jammed in his mouth – but it turned out to be a Grogan ! Yuk, spit, chunder !!!

Naturally, no copper administered the kiss of life. It was left to the firefighers to carry out this thankless task. NT firefighters are now expected to perform as many extra duties as there are blades on a Swiss Army pocket knife. However, every member of the police rescue party will be nominated for a gun-metal gong and paid nightsoil money . The Commissioner will also invite them in for tea and a Swiss roll.

Police are deeply concerned about the growing number of deranged Territory motorists who film themselves doing strange things while driving at twice the speed of sound in a built up area. Recently , another driver was arrested as he captured himself on celluloid - or was it with a celluloid Kewpie doll ?- doing something unspeakable. The news reports of that arrest made the Northern Territory the laughing stock of the world. As a result, tourism has dived and Australians are now regarded as Wolf Creek weirdos . Another fruit case from Humpty Doo enhanced his manly image filming himself stuffing his jocks with jack fruit and bananas while driving the wrong way down a one way street, talking on a mobile , with his feet on the steering wheel ! He is believed to be a skilled Abrams tank driver from Robertson Barracks. Needless to say , shrinks predict an early outbreak of Mango Madness.

TROOPS THREATEN TO MUTINY

Chef Ramsay has been rushed to Baghdad to prevent a mutiny by Australian troops who are complaining about lousy tucker. An anonymous Digger who was decorated after single handedly fighting off a horde of drunken Darwin punks with a stick of celery at a Mitchell Street taxi rank , said the rations his colleagues are given to take on desert patrols are "f!#+!!!*%!!t". Furthermore, slapped on a tin plate it looked and smelt like a swaggie's f!&*!!! sweatrag. Despite his impressive repetoire of expletives, the soldier denied being related to to or connected in some way with Chef Ramsay. The tucker situation is so explosive that Chef Ramsay donned not one but two bulletproof vests when he entered the Green Zone kitchen. He was shocked to see koalas, emus, camels, donkeys , kookaburras , redbacks and funnel web spiders in the food processing area. These, he was told, were Aussie mascots designed to make the troops feel at home. Mascots or not, Chef Ramsay blew his stack and ordered tha animals be taken off the premises . Struggling local Iraqis thought they were delicious , came back for seconds and declared him the best cook in the Middle East . The proprietor of Adelaide's pie floater cart believes the Iraq mission be Chef Ramsay's most difficult assignment . Little Darwin's Baghdad correspondent , Ned Chicken, will supply regular updates to Territory gluttons and freeloading local journos.

SHOCK NEW TERRITORY POLITICAL PARTY HAS HAIR RAISING PLAN

A daring new political party has been secretly drawing up plans to contest the next NT election . It has a most unusual name : the Curvaceous Lip Party (CLP) . And its trump card will be a team of bearded female candidates like the refined ladies in the Pommie comedy show , Little Britain . It firmly believes this strategy will reduce the Country Liberals and the ALP to a mere whisker . Before the recent election the ALP sported a beard like Santa but now has a closely cropped pudding basin haircut. On the other hand , the Country Libs are bouffant and aggressive as Aunty Jack.

The Curvaceous Lip Party is so determined to win it will try anything - even follicly endowed women . Secret polling carried out for the CLP revealed that most Territory men , of all political persuasions , have wild fantasies about femmes avec beaucoup de beaver.

The extensive survey involved mild mannered drinkers at the Humpty Doo Pub, the Discovery nightclub , the Mitchell Street open air biff parlour , the Vic Hotel, long grass speakeasies , the Noonamah Frog Hospital, Tennant Creek’s famous pubs with no beer and the Alice Springs YWCA.

Curvaceous Lip Party spokesman , Lady Sunbeam, looking particularly smooth after a Full Monty body wax , became hairy with reporters when interrogated about the strategy of this outrageous party at a media conference in the popular Throb nightclub. As everybody knows, Throb is a popular rendezvous for political activists . Its Michelin rated menu includes pickled rarebit which is popular with Darwin’s numerous Welsh heterosexuals.

At first, Lady Sunbeam angrily stated that the astonishing survey findings were confidential, but later admitted that comely female candidates with an abundance of facial hair will lead the CLP grab for power. These candidates will wear stunning dresses like the refined ladies in Little Britain, but modified because of the Territory’s sweaty conditions. The elaborate gowns of the gentile Little Britain women would lead to an outbreak of prickly heat in most uncomfortable places, Lady Sunbeam explained to drongo male reporters.

Like those cute sheilas in Little Britain , they will drink from Royal Doulton beer mugs with handpainted periwinkle handles and nibble Lebanese cucumber sandwiches while mixing with leering , thong - wearing, hairy - chested voters at fund raising soirees . Lady Sunbeam urged all patriotic bewhiskered women to come to the aid of the party. Women who only sport hairy armpits are not wanted by the CLP, unless they engage in a crash course of fourex strength hormones.

With slight modifications , she revealed the giant moustache hung from the Legislative Assembly during the MOVEMBER fund raising campaign will become the CLP’s election logo. The Curvaceous Lip Party will inject much needed new life into the body politic, especially on Facebook , and cause a boom in the hairdressing industry. As part of its campaign to win community support , it will sponsor a tonsorial art exhibition in the new Darwin conference centre each leap year. FRINGE ATTACK : The ALP called in dirty tricks strategist Hirsute Harry to combat the Curvaceous crowd . He immediately slipped into a cone of silence - and emerged as the Man From Pantene , his hair in rollers and wearing pink , fluffy slippers – the ALP answer to women with fungus features.

REBORN COSTELLO HEADS FOR DARKEST AFRICA

To atone for his smirking life in politics , former treasurer Peter Costello has had a Damascene conversion and will become a missionary in the strife- torn Congo . In a blinding flash of light during a post-mortem in his Higgins electorate office, Costello heard Kerry Packer calling him from Cloud Nine . Packer told him to go forth and help the unwashed heathens in third world countries who have little food , are constantly threatened by disease and war and, worst of all, deprived of neighbourhood casinos with wall to wall ATMs . Having been a long - haired Social Democrat in his younger days, the man born to be king of the Coalition immediately vowed to don sack cloth and join his brother Tim helping the needy .

Many Africans took fright on hearing the news , jumped into leaky boats and headed to Australia , seeking refuge. In Africa Costello will lead a humble life, live in a mud hut and dine on imported Tasmanian possum and the occasional drop of cooking sherry . Container loads of his unsold memoirs will be fed to starving termites who will willingly convert to Christianity .

SCOOP! SCOOP! SCOOP! NEXT ADMINISTRATOR WILL CURL THE MO

Famous surrealist artist Salvador Dali will be the next Administrator after thespian Tom Pauling. Dali was sounded out for the post when Chief Minister Clare Martin was in Spain selling the famous Territory lifestyle to Spaniards who are being driven mad by hordes of tourists and international property speculators , some of the latter members of the Darwin law fraternity. The eccentric artist had not been seen for decades and it was widely believed he had been living the life of a recluse in an Andalusian coffin covered in emasculated bullfighters’ graffiti.

However , he was so inspired by a newspaper article extolling the NT lifestyle that he came out of hiding and gave the Chief Minister a rare audience. He even waxed his impressive moustache for the occasion and wore a crisp new undertaker’s suit. Dali is understood to have assured the CM he could be just as entertaining as Ted Egan and the present encumbent , Tom Pauling. The artist said Spain is overrun by rich Germans and odd Pommies wanting to start worm farms and other dreary ventures.

Darwin, with its towering wet season thunderclouds , bushfires, yapping dogs , mad drivers , yuppie crocodiles and punchy citizens sounded like a cross between the Inquisition and the Spanish civil war. He confidentally stated he could cope with anything the Territory might throw at him if he took up the Government House job . Cane toads would pose no problem because he would beat them to a pulp with his cane and roast them on the barbie . As an added inducement to appoint him the next Administrator, Dali said he would fill Government House with several of his surrealist Mae West lounges if given the appointment.

TERRITORY COPPERS GET THE HUMP

An American solution has been found to the acute shortage of police in the Northern Territory : camels! Yes, ugly looking dromedaries . An increasing number of American law enforcement agencies have been signing on plodding camels. The camels are proving to be more intelligent than your average Yankee copper and several have already been promoted to senior positions. One camel was even placed on guard duty in the White House rose garden but was moved after he ate all the Peace roses and crapped on the president’s rostrum . Little Darwin can exclusively reveal today that 10 camels will take up duty in Alice Springs next week. They will arrive in a chauffeur driven stretch limo and after being put through a car wash will be lodged in high rollers suites at the casino for the first month in the Alice.
The camel coppers will spearhead a zero tolerance drive against crime in the town. They have been instructed to spit in the eye of troublemakers, eat all dope crops and bite the ears and hands of people who just look suspicious in the Mall . Two camels on Harleys will run an American style highway north and south from Alice. Each one will be armed with Dirty Harry specials and shoot out the tyres of speeding truckies and other dingbats who believe you should be able travel at the speed of sound on the highway.
Camels do not cost as much as human police officers and this will release funds so that the government can subsidise more large mining companies and tax dodging ventures.