WATERFRONT SPY FILMS SECRETS

Snap-happy S(h)ipping  Reporter on  news beat . 

Severely  trimmed palm trees at Townsville cruise ship / cattle boat   berth... Why?  Diseased? Looming visit by Crown Prince Harry  ?   Terminal building roofing  showing  signs of  increased  fading . During early stage of construction it  was thought to be a tropical copy of Sydney Opera House which would display advertisements  for  cane toad races  on  Magnetic  Island . 

Across the way at ferry  terminal  landing, hanging  fenders  provided  arty dangle angle . 

 

ABOVE: Broken bottle in bone dry top chamber of  Victory in the Pacific Memorial Fountain  , right next  to start  of  Townsville's  civic  pride  trail , short distance from Townsville Bulletin  newspaper office. Giant portrait of  Australia's first Catholic saint, Mary MacKillop,  more  faded than ever .     Media missing  in  inaction . These  and  more  scoop   stories   picked  up  in  one  day  during  trip to Townsville  Hospital  for  new  strawberry flavoured   medication and  reading  of  many   bumps  on  his  cranium .

REPORTERS CAUGHT SHORT(HORN) AGAIN AS TOWNSVILLE BURNS

S(h)ipping   Reporter's  latest  scoops cover   ghost  fleet,   climate  change,  a pirate attack  and  an  angry  American admiral . 

Bushfire smoke on  outskirts of  Townsville resembles the sacking of Panama  by Captain Morgan  and  is visible  from  the  sea , sniffed  on  Magnetic Island . Another bigger  plume  the  following  day ; poor  Miss  Piggy , atop Castle Hill , can be heard as far away as  Ingham coughing her lungs out  and  is  in danger of being  turned  into  smoked  bacon .  
 

With monotonous regularity, the  Murdoch Townsville Bulletin newspaper sends a photographer down to  The Strand on the   waterfront  to  get  an  eye candy  shot of  two  young  female  packpackers   to go with a    few puff  pars about  the weather . Smiling   Olga, from the Volga , for example , is  quoted   as saying she  does not think there  will  be a cyclone in  the near future  and she is looking  forward   to  exploring  the  rainforests  further  north , if they have not been  clear felled ,  and   wrestling  a  bunyip  like  President Yeltsin .

 

Our friendly   waterfront scribe, the only one north of  Woop Woop ,  regards this  as   annoying ,   tropical   journalism . To  illustrate his point , he  sailed to The Strand  in his     yacht  to    give the female    backpackers  a  big welcome  on a hot and  windy day  during the week  and  found numerous  unreported   news stories  floating  about  like flotsam and jetsam . The first one was the striking vision of mainland fires  near Townsville at the head of this post .

 The stand out  ghost  fleet  in port  included  two livestock  carriers :  Shorthorn Express   and   Galloway Express, cattle trucks  alongside the latter .There is a puzzle in the name of the second vessel as one of the same , mentioned in the     " shameful record "of  sheep and  cattle, was " thankfully scrapped ", some years ago. Why would  you give another  carrier a discredited name ?

 

 

At a time when the live export of  stock overseas  has  been     and still    is   a red hot  issue you would think the loading  in  port would rate    coverage . Questions  that could be asked : how many cattle , destination ;  from whence  cattle came , in what condition considering the  drought, shortage of feed ;   are some stations now devoid of  stock ; is there an independent stock inspector aboard , if so ,who ; any more shipments  this  year , etcetera .  

 

MAGNETIC  ISLAND  TREASURE  GALLEON  /  WILD  PIRATE  EVENING  

The superluxury catamaran MYWAY (above) worth  a buried trove of  looted Spanish dubloons ,  slipped into  the island marina without the media  picking  up  an  interesting  feature  about its  special   features , the colourful   skipper,  the   cruises  it  makes  in northern waters  with select passengers . It dwarfed all other vessels in the marina .  Our S(h)ipping  Reporter  is hot on the  trail of a yarn   about  an islander  who  had  a rum   encounter with  Captain    Morgan  which  left him  looking as if he  had   been  keel-hauled during the night.


Needless to say  , the Victory in the Pacific  Memorial Fountain  in  the garrison city   is still not working  and  Admiral Harry Harris has been heard mutter-in mild ambassadorial reproachful  language-he  would like to have somebody's "ass in a sling"   for  this  intolerable  situation   to  continue  for  so  long .  Three cheers for the Admiral .

SHOCK JOCK IN SHOCK HORROR

Bellowing  Radio Bombast presenter mutilated  by   toffee  apple  a  day eating   deranged  simian !

In great   breaking news ,  there are numerous  reports that  Sydney shock jock Alan Jones has been  dragged  screaming   from  his studio by a passionate  Yeti  and is being  torn  limb  from  limb  atop  the Opera House, the parts placed in a hessian  bag  and   tossed  into  the  sea  near the  North  Bondi outfall .

Jones fighting back .

His  blood curdling screams have sent  waterfront  real estate  prices  plummeting , especially in the ritzy Toast Rack .  

 

The repulsive, smelly  beast   had been brought   all the way from Mount Everest  in a tiny  cage  to  the studio  as  part of  promotion for  the  richest   horse  race in the world ,The Big  Everest  , in which imported  Sherpa  jockeys  will  prod doped  mountain ponies  with  ice picks   across  the  line  before  crowds of  cheering  Kiwi  mountaineers .   

 

Once released from the cage, the  hairy female Yeti went berserk, attracted by Jones's pungent   Playboy underarm deodorant.  It grabbed  him in  a bear hug and the poor creature instantly broke out in warts . With Jones screaming ,"Who the hell  do you think you are !", he  was  thrown over the amorous animal's shoulder ,subjected  to  several  knee tremblers ,  and dragged off to the Opera  House . A  severely scratched   Taronga Zoo Yeti expert said this  is the height of the Yeti mating season in the Himalayas , and  the  females  go into a  passionate frenzy ,  killing their  10th partner .

 

Unfortunately , Jones  appeared to be  number  10 . A spokesman for the NSW premier  said  it is a shame  the  power mad  presenter's career   had  ended  this way , ripped apart on  the famous  multi coloured sails  of  the Opera House ,  just before a promo  for a new  version  of   Gone With the Wind .  It  would , however ,  prepare him for   a bits and  pieces  part  in the  monster movie  ,  The  Coalition Planet  of  the  Apes .     

AUSTRALIAN SHIP OF STATE FAILS MARINE SURVEY; STRUCK OFF LLOYD'S REGISTER

CANBERRA:  VIP  lifejackets  are   being  stockpiled  in the Coalition funk bunker  in readiness for  the aftermath   of   the  Wentworth  by-election  when it will  be a case of  bugger  the call  for   women and  children  to  be  the first into the   new  French,  nuclear- powered  lifeboats .

 

The  crew   of   the  government's leaking bumboat, SS Scomo , have been instructed to  give the  nation  the  bum steer  that  the  disabled  government is    proceeding at  full  steam  ahead ,   on course,  barnacles  scraped  from  the hull and used in another SBS  seafood  cooking special.

Russian hornpiper  

 

 In a vain bid to make  his  crew   appear  slightly  likeable, fun loving   matelots,  instead of  scurvy waterfront rats,  Captain  Morrison, pictured , without parrot and wooden leg ,   has ordered them  as  a  matter of urgency to   get   tattoos   which  carry  the clear  message  Kill Bill  and  nice    heart shaped  ones worded    Mums and Dads, a  regular utterance which causes an outbreak of mal-de-mer  in  the community  when  uttered by  Coalition  politicians  who should have been  abandoned on  church doorsteps  by  their  parents  at  a  tender  age .  

 

On his recent visit to the stewed apple isle of  Tasmania, after a rough voyage across the Bass Strait, pea green looking  Captain Morrison waved his arms about like a groggy  tic-tac  man  at a racecourse , informing the   seasick  audience that everybody in  the  rusty  government  empty vessel  is  pulling in the same  direction , with the help of  galley slaves  wielding   whips, threatening  loss  of   pre-selection  if  they  do  not  do so .   

  

Despite this discipline  , there are signs of  icebergs  ahead , bellbottom  trouser  wearing Liberals who regard themselves as  moderates  are  preparing to   act  like  Japanese fake scientific whale  harpooners  after the  Wentworth vote  ,which  promises  to be  more horrifying  than  the ordeal of the   Ancient Mariner   who  killed  and  gave  an  albatross   the  KFC   treatment ,without any herbs  and  spices.       

ADULTERATED HONEY REPORT INVOLVED SULPHURIC ACID

"Adulterated  honey " was   the subject of   discussion  in  Australia more than  100 years ago . The Lone Hand  magazine  of July  1, 1908  ran   a letter  from "Wondah " of  Sydney University   on the subject . It referred to a previous  letter from Messrs. Slade  and Jackson " correcting   a previous article  in   the  publication,  which   seems  to  have raised   the   issue . 

It  was a pity ,  Wondah wrote, grocers  Slade and Jackson did not verify  their facts before   rushing to  correct the magazine ,  in  which they said  they  had never heard of  honey being  adulterated  with glucose , its " character " so different.

 

As a matter of fact , an analysis  of  honey  showed  it  was  comprised of  two glucoses -the ordinary glucose , or grape sugar ; the other, chemically similar , levulose, or fructose . In addition, there were much smaller amounts  of essential oils  and  a  waxy substance  similar   to  the  wax  in  the  comb.

It continued: "Adulterated honey,  as  sold in Sydney today , is made by acting  on potato starch  with sulphuric acid , by which  means the starch is converted into glucose . This glucose is then  mixed with various substances  to make up the amount , and a  little  honey is  added  to flavour it . "   

Slade and Jackson had  quoted  the price of  glucose -22 pounds  a  ton - as proof that that it would  not pay to   make  adulterated   honey   when  honey   cost  16-23  pounds a ton . They overlooked  the fact  that one ton of   glucose  "is  mixed"  with  various cheap substances  to make several  tons of  "cheap adulterated  honey".

S(H)IPPING REPORTER SPLASHES OUT IN SEASIDE CASINO RAID

Early on a Saturday morning ,  our  rare  waterfront  roundsman   ventured into Townsville's renovated  casino , The Ville ,  and  in between  several  -actually three- large  servings of  frozen  yoghurt in the  Palm Lounge  was  treated to exciting  accounts  by   teenagers in  a  family group  about   fossicking for  gemstones  in Queensland  and   competitive  rowing , the  Townsville   media coverage  of   this  sport  lacking , as  pointed out recently  when  two local   girls  won  a  state school  championship  and  did  not  rate  a  mention . 

The S(h)ipping  Reporter , the only one north of Flinders Island , has more than a passing interest in rowing . Many moons ago, it was suggested  , because of his athletic build , he should join Sydney's Balmain Rowing Club .  Then , in a dramatic  event  on  Darwin Harbour, on a  fishing trip with journalist Peter Blake, aboard  a  boat  that broke down , he  rowed  like  Grace  Darling against the  outgoing  tide  and   safely  got  them  home , his arms stretched so much his knuckles  dragged  on  the ground  for months .

  

 While our salted and stuffed  scribe wandered about the grounds of  the casino  he  took snaps from the helipad  of  Magnetic Island   in  the  distance  and   the above  views of  Miss Piggy  looking   Castle Hill , bulrushes  in the foreground, in which   Moses  could  have been  floating , waiting  to  be  found  and   placed  in  the  lost property  office.

 

Burning off  the calories (dried figs ,  apricots , rice bubbles ,watermelon, Kiwi fruit, crispy  bacon, pineapple pieces, scrambled egg, cornflakes, what no prunes ? , assorted  nuts, some dangerous to  the teeth, not wanting to appear a glutton , he did not load up  the tempting  mushrooms on toast ... ) , he later  inspected  the  wharves and  saw  more  interesting  ghost fleet vessels  in  port... Sunlight Lily  and Jupiter Express  just two of those  visible. 

MORRISON SPARKS BIG EXPLOSION

CANBERRA : The  world's  biggest smirk will be  the first of  50  new   iconic  tourist attractions  to  be  built  in  Australia , Prime Minister  Scott Morrison  announced today , a real shot in the arm for the Strawberry Republic .

Tight lipped about whopper  Smirk. 

However,  the  secretive PM  would not reveal  the location of this  surefire  attraction  which  will be more popular than  the deep fried  Great Barrier  Reef .  Smirking   is  regarded  as   next  to godliness  in   some exclusive  Australian  circles . 
 

 Argus Tuft  Huge  Exclusive

 

The PM  gripped  the  imagination of entreprenurs  and  carpetbaggers, indeed the nation ,   when  he recently announced, with a   cheesy smile ,  it is  okay for South Australia   to have  a Big Tesla Battery ...  like  the Big Pineapple in Queensland ; the Big Pain in the Arse , Canberra;  the  Big  Parliamentary Windbag, ditto ; the  Big Ram (U.S. Supreme Court) ; the  Big  and  Midget   Queensland  LNP   Boofheads ,  etcetera. 

Pointing  out  the  Smirking bonanza 

 Smirking is a noble art , long  practiced  in  the clubby  boardrooms of  banking , finance and insurance  companies , church hierarchies, some fast food chains ,  assorted  shonky   education  and   labour hire companies,  local  slave  markets  and   multinational   corporations   merrily  milking   the   country.  

 Even when subjected to waterboarding  by  CIA moonlighter  Shaun Micallef  on the patriotic  ABC  television show Mad as Hell ,  Morrison refused to name   the  location  of   the  Big Smirk , which  we can exclusively reveal will be  bigger than  the  Sydney  Harbour Bridge  .