EASTER BLESSINGS AND BUNNIES

As a special Easter treat , several NT Government ministers will re-enact the 14 photo shoot opportunities for cross early morning motorists along the Tiger Brennan Drive extension route.

Dressed in hard hats and yellow safety jackets, the ministers will lead the faithful along the historic route. There will be much flashing of silver spades and teeth for the media. Police have warned people taking part inthe procession to watch our for palm fronds falling from unsecured loads of garden rubbish being taken to the dump on Sunday.

When completed , the blessed roadway will deliver a horde of roamin’ and raving drivers from the hinterland into the CBD to create an unholy gridlock . Parking inspectors armed with magic staffs capable of dividing the Dead Sea and stun guns will be hired to control the sinful motorists who will stream into the city along the autobahn and fight for parking.

SILVER NUCLEAR BULLET SOLUTION

North Korea’s dingbat leader, Kim Jong-Ill, has kindly offered to solve Darwin’s crocodile , cane toad and dog problems in one hit. For a year’s supply of high heel shoes, a cellar full of French wine, a large deposit in a secret Swiss bank account and John Wayne’s stuffed horse, he will arrange to nuke Darwin in his next rocket launch . Named in his honour , the three -stage rocket is called Illustrious Raving Short A*** Twit. It is propelled by the screams of the oppressed North Koreans.

Now that the rocket can reach as far as Darwin and Disneyland , it can be zeroed in precisely to achieve maximum pest destruction. Sabotaged by the CIA , it could turn into a boomerang and disappear up Kim’s designer label knickerbockers just before detonation to greatly reduce the country’s cockroach infestation.

BIKIE GANG SHOCK HORROR

Police are alarmed by the formation of two new bikie gangs in Canberra . One , the Chinese Triad, holds secret meetings at The Lodge Long Soup Factory . Triad members are led by Beijing Kev, a tattooed oriental with an impressive command of Strine, his favourite Aussie expression for his opponents being a " sh*tload of capitalist running dogs ".

The Triad’s sworn enemy , the hooded Mad Monks, have a leader who rides in a bullet proof replica of the Popemobile. Mad Monks undergo an initiation ceremony in which they eat gluten free wafers , which has been condemned by Cardinal Pell. The ruthless gangs regularly stage a turf war on the lawn atop parliament house where they charge each other with Victa lawnmowers revved up to the maximum and inflict terrible injuries on the prize beds of paspalum , ragwort and native tulips.

TOOTH FAIRY EXHAUSTED

One section of the Australian economy experiencing good times is the dental splint making industry. Why? Because in these troubled economic times people are grinding their teeth like scrub turkeys during their sleep. Especially members of the Coalition who are deeply depressed by all the praise heaped on PM Rudd by overseas leaders and the polls.

Many members of the Shadow Ministry have been banished from the nuptial couch because they gnash their teeth due to nightmares about the PM . In these horrendous dreams, Kev the Magnificent, garlanded, wearing imperial purple, is repeatedly borne shoulder high through cheering crowds along the Appian Way , preceded by seven wise virgins soon to trim their wicks in readiness for the May budget

RUDD PRAISE UNHINGES LIBS

Jeff Kennett has been busier than a zambuc man in an AFL grand final match ever since Kevin Rudd was showered with praise during his recent trip to America and the G20 talks in London. It seems everybody from the US president to the Tele Tubbies and the Spice Girls said our Kevin is a great guy, doing a grand job and capable of walking on water .

The born to rule brigade in Australia could not believe their ears when the Archbishop of Canterbury said Rudd was like the second coming , the Queen gave Kev a private audience and Madonna tried to adopt our PM which, we understand, Therese was only too happy to arrange. Rudd is now nearly as popular as Santa and his red nosed reindeer.

All this kudos has infuriated the bitchy Coalition back home which has become deeply depressed , resulting in many calls for help from Kennett’s admirable Beyond Blue organisation which helps people cope with Winston Churchill’s Black Dog.

Forget the Coalition chanting feeble slogans like RUDD’S CASH SPLASH , they are now so disheartened by the praise for Rudd - and their low standing in the polls- that many of them grind their teeth at night , suffering from RUDD’S GNASH GNASH . As a result , many members of the Shadow Ministry now sleep on the couch with Tiddles or Spot , banished there by their spouses who want a good night's sleep.

That grinding of molars increased when a top Young Liberal appeared on TV in what was unkindly described as an alcopop enhanced performance. Kennett’s phone has been busier than a pizza shop on pay night ever since this promising young Libber with a built in voice scrambler went on the box to make crystal clear the True Blue cause .

Meanwhile, the RAAF VIP fleet catering service has expanded its menu to include lotus sandwiches and coffee made from Mongolian yak milk for the PM . After dinner Fortune cookies and SPAM snacks have also been added to the mile high tucker treats *

YANKEE CROC FOR PINE CREEK ?

Tip for local media : an outfit called Manhattan , perhaps trading as Crocodile Gold , has bought the Pine Creek gold company which folded owing bundles of money , leaving contractors in the lurch and many out of work.

BOVVER BOYS BOTHERED ******

The Queensland Liberal National Party- described as the National Party in Drag-is desperately seeking a new name after they were roped like dopes by a woman!!! The high- kicking , tough- talking, brown -shirted Nationals , thinking they were certain to be swept into power in the Fatherland election , have retreated to their bunkers.

Their Liberal mates (spit!), hugging Teddy bears like Sebastian out of Brideshead Revisited , hiding in dark coffee lounges , sipping sickly latte, now demand the LNP must change its name to the trendy Banana Metrosexual Party. In a shock for the Nats , the Libs maintain macho men bit the dust long ago in Bananaland and that you now have to be cool, well educated and stylish to appeal to Queensland voters because of all those accursed southerners who moved in across the border. Wise old Uncle Joh warned his chooks what would happen to the Sunshine State when them thar decadent southerners invaded.