NEW ZEALAND RECEIVES MASSIVE SEISMIC JOLT FROM AUSTRALIA

Anxious looking  Barnaby Joyce  with  his thoroughbred  NZ racehorse, Hinemoa  , part of the famous Phar Lap  bloodline ,   just  before  recently  being called in before the  stewards  to explain  why  it  came  last  at  a bush meeting  ,  outsider   Fine  Cotton  winning  at 100-1 .
 

WELLINGTON : The NZ Stock Market  crashed , the local currency is now as  worthless   as  the Indian  rupee   and  there is weeping and  wailing in the streets  following   the  horrifying  breaking  news that Australia's Deputy Prime Minister,  Barnaby  Joyce ,  is almost certainly going to  be   deported  to the  Shaky Isles  because  he  is really  a   Kiwi .

In further shock news  from  Canberra,  ace  political reporter,  Argus Tuft , who has taken over  from Laurie Oakes , today claimed  he has known  for   years  that   Babbling  Barnaby is  a  New Zealander .  

Tuft  is offering to  sell , for a  fortune ,   rare photographs  of  a  Maori tattoo   on  Barnaby's  rump   setting out  the Joyce  family tree  stating   he  is  a descendant  of  prominent Kiwi   sheep shagger   Hone   Hickup,    of    Waikikamukau, a  quaint  North Island  rural  community, something like  Fred   Dagg's  Footrot  Flats , similar  to  Armidale  in  NSW .  .  

Barnaby  was close to and a  great friend of the Queensland  Premier , Sir Joh Bjelke-Petersen , seen beaming over   Joyce's  shoulder in this  photo  , who wanted to be  Prime Minister of Australia , yet he was  born   in  Dannevirke , New Zealand.   Barnaby and  Joh have both been described as "idiosyncratic " - a   common  Kiwi  attribute .  

 

It is to be hoped that when Barnaby  is deported for pretending to be a   fair dinkum  outback Aussie , with straw between his teeth and a whip,  he will take back to  the  Land of the Long  White   Clo(u)ds the mortal remains of  Joh  in  a  Queensland  pickle bottle  and shove  it down a  volcanic crack to warm the  cockles  of  his  heart . 

 

During  Question Time in the House of Representatives  when his  nationality was  the hot  topic  and it was moved that he  not be heard in the chamber  , Barnaby  became  red faced , shouted , waved  his arms about , finger pointed  as if  doing  a mug's  imitation of  the  Haka performed  by  the  All Blacks  before  the start of another  thrashing  of  Australia  in  the  Bledisloe  Cup series.

 

Thankfully,  he did not mention testicles and terrorists in the outburst , but  Townsville   was   mentioned  many   times , as were most other points of the compass .