ASTONISHING CANAL CHIC # 2

Sounding  as if  his  brain was deep  fried in the recent   French heatwave ,  canal correspondent   Peter   Burleigh ,    with a superior new  portable   German barbecue  cooker , sent   this  sizzling    follow   up  to  his  earlier  dispatch  about  his  fame as  a  Facebook   sock   and  sandal celebrity . 

 

One of the annoying things about the popular media is its short attention span. One day you read a fascinating story about, say, domestic violence against flightless birds in Bulgaria, and it’s never followed up. You never find out about the role of  Turkmenistani ‘Turkey Whisperers’ or whether chicken plucking is a regulated  profession  in  Bulgaria.  
 

As a responsible fact-based popular-interest journal of record, this is the Little Darwin follow-up to that recent and fascinating piece, “Celebrity Chic”. A professional linguist at a university somewhere near Costa Rica has provided us with the actual lyrics to the French rap hit ALURA , the hymn of  the socks-and-sandals celebrity phenomenon built around this reporter’s impeccable dress sense.

Ouais ouais ouais
Ouais ouais ouais
Ouais ouais ouais
Ratata  (Yeah, yeah, yeah.... Ratata)

Ca sent l'été j'vais tout niquer 

(It smells of summer. I'm gonna fuck everything.)

Barbec' à la cite 

(BBQ in the projects)

Tous mes gars sont invités faut éviter d'foutre la merde ils vont nous soulever.

(All the guys are invited. We'd better not do shit or they'll take us away.)

J'sors avec des Nexi Panterra 

(I'm going out with Nexi Panterra types [modeled on https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oN1reAf4EZk])

Chicha posée sur la terrasse, y'a les keufs dans les parages 

(Hookah's on the patio. There are cops around.)

Personne rentre c'est nous qui faisons les barrages 

(Nobody's leaving, we're making barricades)

Même en claquettes on est bien sappé 

(Even in sandals we're fashion fit)

Pour la graille on va s'taper 

(For the grub, we don't give a shit)

Les merguez sont cramées qu'est-ce t'as fait ? 

(The sausages are charred, so what?)

Mais qu'est-ce t'as fait ?

(Whatcha doin'?)

En claquettes au calme 

(In sandals, all chill)

Sur mon transat au calme 

(On my deckchair, all chill)

Plusieurs dans ma boca 

(A few in my mouth)

Sers pas la main t'es pas local 

(Don't use your hand, you're not from around here)

Ouais ouais ouais
Ouais ouais ouais
Ouais ouais ouais
Ouais ouais ouais 

(Yeah, yeah, yeah...)

J'suis en claquettes chaussettes 

(I'm in sandals and socks)

Claquettes chaussettes 

Claquettes chaussettes 

(Sandals and socks)

Tu connais c'est la tess

(You know, it's the projects)

J'suis en claquettes chaussettes 

(I'm in sandals and socks)
Claquettes chaussettes 

If that’s not a call for a fashion-based civil uprising, I don’t know what is! To join them at the barricades, Google ‘Alura France YouTube’ and you might be able to check it out. But this piece isn’t about that, it’s an update about the evolution of a trend. The sandals-and-socks look is one of those ideas which sticks to a culture like pate to a blanket. Peculiarly, when such trends occur there is a simultaneous international orgasm of  plagiarising  the original idea.

For example, a university in the remote pacific is inaugurating a “Chair of Claquettes”. In the US, it’s rumoured that Disney’s newest Star Wars movie will feature Storm Troopers wearing socks and hover-sandals. In Spain, Flamenco dancers are forsaking their high-heel boots for wooden sandals worn over socks. Experts accept their superior ‘clacking’ sound has caused an uproar.   

 

In Australia, residents of retirement homes arrange massed clack-along sessions to the original music. What is bizarre is their use of false teeth to generate the signature “clacking”. Football fans throughout England are cheering the adoption of spiked claquettes worn over team-coloured socks – this despite the sound muffling effect when trying to ‘clack’ on grass playing fields.

In Greece, sports media are discussing the creation of a new Olympic event which combines “claquettery” and chess.

In New Zealand, the debate about a new national flag now includes a design showing a golden sandal with a sock in it treading on a fern frond. In Pakistan, a new graphic novel featuring a ten-footed goddess in claquettes is soon to be published. So far no details of the plot have been released. 

 

When Forbes magazine released its annual  Celebrity 100 list of the highest paid celebrities in the world, the total earnings for all top celebrity 100 earners totalled $4.5 billion over the course of 2010 alone. I therefore had a fair and reasonable expectation that I would appear on the 2017 list. Even a place halfway down would have done. 
 

For instance, internet research showed media mogul and talk show host, Oprah Winfrey as the top earner with earnings of $US290 million. Forbes cites that Lady Gaga reportedly earned over $90 million in 2010. In 2013, Madonna was ranked as the fifth most powerful and the highest earning celebrity of the year with earnings of $125 million. She has consistently been among the most powerful and highest earning celebrities in the world, occupying the third place in Forbes Celebrity 100 in 2009 with $110 million of earnings, and reaching tenth place in the 2010 list with annual earnings equal to $58 million. Exciting figures! 
 

But what of the originator of the claquettes trend? How many millions has he accumulated? Sadly, the popularity of my visionary creation has overwhelmed my role as its originator. I expected a minimum of fifteen minutes of fame but so far, by my own count, I have had two-and-a-half minutes and maybe not that much. I have worked tirelessly through my network of celebrity fellow-travellers and under the pressure of my Agent to feed the world’s need for exciting new ideas. My ideas have been pre-empted by other multi-millionaire entrepreneurs. 

 

Have you seen the multi-coloured super-pointy shoes beloved by fantasy figures like elves and dwarves? They are a smash in Mexico, and you can buy them online. What did I get out of it? Zilch. 

 

And mosquito-nets pants? Brilliant, yes? Keep your legs cool and insect free and display your underwear at the same time. Perfect for your next ‘claquette’ session. Result: nada, but you’ll find them for sale on the internet. 

 

My ‘Princess Leia pet headphones’ got lots of support from my Agent, but that concept was bushwhacked too. Imagine this winner: a pair of headphones with a little cage where the earpieces (and Leia’s buns) would be – and in each cage, a pet mouse or a canary. Another solid-gold concept relegated to the dustbin of history.

 

 But I won’t be beaten. I have an even better idea, designed for tennis players and their fans:
 

THE SW’OUSER (pronounced S-wowzer). 

You don’t have to buy it to try it  – simply go to your clothes drawer, pull out a sweater of any colour or size, long or short sleeves (short sleeves best for summer, as you know). Yes, it’s the ‘sweater-trouser’! See how it works? Simply insert your legs through the sleeves on a cold day and guess what – you’ll have warm legs while you play or watch tennis!* It has an extra convenience – the neck-hole is perfect for use when you are caught short on a call of nature. 

 

And most vital, the Sw’ouser is a perfect accompaniment to your socks and sandals. Dance it up! Clack it to the extreme – it’s all a wonderful new expression of  individual fashion inventiveness. 

You can obtain your own signed Sw’ouser^ from Little Darwin. Contact LD at its Fannie Bay (Jail )  address for details and receive a note from this reporter in return. Become a Celebrity like me. People will stare at you (they stare at me) take your photo and shake your hand (or leg, if you are wearing your Sw’ouser). This is a new beginning for us all. 

*In marketing terms, sponsors like Nike, Puma or Harley-Davidson can double their exposure by branding both your shirt and your Sw’ouser!^Sw’ouser is singular. You can’t have a ‘pair of Sw’ousers’ unless you purchase two. Avoid  cheap copies  made  in Australian sweatshops by slave labour .