NIGHTCLIFF DEAD PARROT RESURRECTION

The Monty Python team is to regroup and re-enact the hilarious dead parrot routine in the Nightcliff Police Station. With the letter C missing from the police station sign for years so that it reads POLIE , it is the perfect location for a dead parrot skit. In fact, locals refer to the police station as the Gone Goose and the Plucked Duck because of the missing letter .

It is certainly a polie gone rookery at night when its doors are closed and feathers fly in the Nightcliff mayhem precinct. Funnyman John Cleese today told Little Darwin the POLIE sign was drawn to his attention by Marty Feldman who aspired to a position as a consultant to the NT Government. The bug-eyed Feldman had referred to the Nightcliff Police Station as Lord Snowdon’s birdcage.

Cleese revealed the Monty Python team is also looking at using the Nightcliff Police Station for other comical routines . Dressed like Chicken Man , Cleese will rush out of the POLIE STATION and beat miscreants with ostrich feathers. This, of course, will be a variation of the famous flogging of his Mini Minor car with a branch for breaking down . Local magistrates and judges will probably adopt this form of punishment to show they are responding to community calls, despite a severe build up of ear wax and hopsack fibres , and getting tough.

RUSKIES CAUSE RED FACES

Not only are the Chinese planning to take over Australia , the evil Russians are secretly undermining the Northern Territory. Using the dreaded clumsy drug, they make government ministers, civic leaders, taxi drivers , nurserymen and other essential members of the community say and do stupid things. This causes the masses to lose confidence in the Czar, resulting in a revolution

A clear indication that the Russians have spiked water coolers in the Wedding Cake came at the official photo opportunity for the new Leanyer Water Torture Tower. Strangely, Chief Minister Henderson appeared to have his tongue and fallopian tubes tied in a knot - a clear indication of the clumsy drug at work. The CM could not remember the name of each tube .

In an unusual slip of the tongue, he called the Funderstorm slide the Thunderbum and Siberian Express. Chancellor of the Exchequer, Delia Lawrie, who drinks assorted vegetable juices rather than tap water, and therefore has her marbles , quickly corrected her leader.

But then, deeply under the insidious influence of the clumsy drug, he said the Blue Blast shoot was the Blue Vein Cheese Slice. Again, Delia corrected the CM and advised him to loosen his budgie smugglers and undergo colonic irrigation to flush out the clumsy drug .

DEFENCE MINISTER ROLLED

Further secret information has been collected indicating Defence Minister Joel Fitzgibbon is a Manchurian candidate groomed to help the Chinese take over Australia . Little Darwin has discovered that as a young boy Fitzgibbon was a champion Chinese Checkers player. At school he belonged to a gang called the Yellow Peril which terrorised kids by administering Chinese burns.

His obsession with things Chinese is revealed in a study of his school reports in which he is repeatedly described by teachers as a “ dim sim” with an uncertain future, probably ending up as a rickshaw salesman or a politician.

During puberty, weird tufts of hair sprouted from his face and ears and a barber nicknamed him Dr Fu Manchu with teenage acne. On hearing this , the angry young man slipped bamboo slivers under the barber’s fingernails and gave him a Bruce Lee kick in the gizonkas.

Early in his working life Fitzgibbon attended many Chinese banquets and was so adept with chopsticks he inspired the movie Edward Scissorfingers. The most damning piece of evidence that Fitzgibbon is a Chinese stooge is the fact that he wears a wok on his head when taking part in never ending war games with troops in Canberra . This is no ordinary wok- it is autographed by most of the Iron Chef contestants. Bomber Beazley, who still sleeps in a camouflaged NATO helmet , is reportedly envious of Fitzgibbon’s headgear.

ADF spies protecting the nation from the forces of darkness have shown Little Darwin 1000 photographs of him eating a springroll - proof positive that he is undermining the Aussie way of life so that the Chinese will buy increasing amounts of our pig iron and then bombard us with fiendish cheap whitegoods, shovels, axes , nails , lawnmowers and CO2 .

Top Secret files shown to Little Darwin by Deep Throat, before he was mugged in the Casuarina shopping centre carpark , revealed that Fitzgibbon’s personal staff are named Monkey, Trikitapa and Pigsy –characters in the subversive l6th century Chinese novel Journey to the West !!!!! Minister Fitzgibbon must be dismissed and , like Harold Holt, put on a slow boat to China.

THANK GOD FOR MUD COOKIES

Many Australians have found the solution to the growing problem of rising supermarket food prices: yummy Haitian mud cookies . As the name implies, these cookies are made from free mud and can be sprinkled with a mixture of secret herbs and spices.

The poor people of Haiti can’t get enough of this great takeaway . There is nothing like a bang up meal of mud cookies first thing in the morning to help you face the day , chunder like a dog which has swallowed a cane toad and turn to voodoo in the bid to bring down the government .

In Haiti pregnant woman are big consumers of mud cookies and make believe they are made from delicious chocolate laden recipes whipped up by Nigella Lawson. Mud cookies are baked in slush buckets and sold from fly- blown shanties to people rejoicing in globalisation. Australian families can join this great way of life by stealing a made in China shovel from Bunnings and digging up the nearest pile of dirt.

Then drag the dirt home in you best swaggie’s loincloth , mix it with greywater , add a dash of soda , bung it on the barbie, and you’ll soon be enjoying the bloated feeling of a cattle tick.

DARWIN-CRAPITAL OF THE NT

In the days of Beau Geste when the French Foreign Legion faced sand, bullets, heat, scorpions , maddening thirst and seductive mirages involving comely camels , there was a notorious place in Sidi- Bel- Abbes, Algeria, known as The Street of a Thousand Latrines. Nowadays, the way Darwin and its suburbs,especially its shopping centres, are going down the tubes , this could be a catchy new name for the place to attract tourists wanting to spend a sou or two.

The next time a cruise ship pulls into the new $5million terminal, we suggest the visitors be taken on a scenic bus tour of the crapital of the NT. First attraction , the busy bus stop outside Woolworths in Cavenagh Street to make the brave tourists feel like dashing Legionnaires , their Yank baseball caps passing for French kepis .

Overflowing rubbish bins, human and dog faeces, urine splashes , dirty marks along the wall , broken glass , enough black blobs of chewing gum to fill the cracks in the Great Wall of China. An added bonus- soiled nappies jammed into a bin , flies humming La Marseillaise .

A disgusted commuter recently rang the Darwin City Council to complain and was told it was not their problem –it is the bus operator’s . This response comes from the outfit worried about drunks being released from the CBD slammer at 6am and scaring tourists out for a croissant and a stroll along La Rue Beaucoup de Vomit . The antics performed around Woolworths often border on the Follies and the Danse Macabre with a cast that includes mangy dogs with a franchise for spreading hydatids and rabies.

Like typical cheese eating surrender monkeys, a suburban branch of G.J. Coles decided to close its doors because the area had reportedly become a setting for the insurrection in Les Miserables .

In the suburbs , the crapulous tour must take in the bus stop near the renal treatment centre at Nightcliff where the grot often looks like unseemly leftovers from a steak and kidney pie recycling depot . So too is the bus stop across the road. If the tourists are lucky they may see the naked , tottering apache dancer scraping excreta from her derriere at a bus stop in Progress Drive . Then there is the constant nose- twitching , aromatic effluvium in the Nightcliff Village , a branch of the street with a thousand flaming furies, where kiddies play and adults engage in Morris Dancing and pinning the tail on the donkey voters each sabbath.

The condition of the Palmerston interchange frequently looks as if Danny the Red and his student mates who put the wind up La Belle France have rampaged through it in a prelude to another bloody revolution . Palmerstonians from the left bank have written to the NT News and voiced disgust . The state of the Casuarina shopping precinct and Algerian aspects of its troubled interchange will be the subject of another Little Darwin report in the near future.

Anybody involved in decontaminating Darwin bus stops and bins should receive the nation’s highest decoration for bravery , at least one Croix de Guerre , oodles of dirt and danger money, and be kitted out as if coping with an anthrax outbreak or participating in French Mururoa Atoll nuclear bomb tests which spread Strontium 90 and other cancerous and mutating s**t throughout the South Pacific.

TERRITORY POPULAR WITH GHOSTS

The Territory’s fabulous lifestyle and the lousy Pommie weather has resulted in a boost in the number of ghosts shifting to Darwin. So many spooks have fled Hampton Court its lucrative ghost tours have collapsed and the palace has been bought by the Chinese government.

Many ghosts moved out of Hampton Court when an audio visual system was set up in its famous maze to make it more funky. This noisy intrusion of modernity upset the spectral residents of the palace who frequently slipped into the maze for a furtive snort of snuff, a puff of Sir Walter Raleigh’s imported cigarettes or an illicit Cuban cigar.

One of the ghosts who has taken up residence in Darwin is Catherine Howard who was beheaded by Henry V111. In an exclusive interview with Little Darwin, Catherine , accompanied by a dashing headless horseman , with whom she is very close, praised Darwin’s warm weather. The last UK winter had been bitterly cold, she said, enough to freeze the vitals off Lord Nelson as he courageously stood atop his column in London without a set of naval Long Johns or a Manchester United scarf.

EMPEROR SUNNY SIDE UP!

The emperor has again been admitted to Royal Darwin Hospital suffering from severe sunburn. RDH sunblock expert , Dr Thirty-Plus , says the emperor’s burns are due to the fact that he insists on strolling about in the nude. ‘The emperor does not have any clothes,” explained Dr Thirty-Plus. This is a strange situation because every other big- noter in Darwin wears double -breasted suits.

The doctor said the emperor ,suffering sunstroke, frequently attempts to stuff himself into every letterbox in the city, causing nasty abrasions to his person , especially the naughty bits. Guard dogs inflict terrible injuries to the emperor as he streaks from house to house shouting , “ I am the greatest!” The RSPCA is expected to charge him with repeatedly annoying Dave Tollner’s French poodle and being a raw prawn in a tiny fishbowl.

Courtiers and flunkies strolling with the emperor along the Smith Street Mall have been instructed to whip a Mother Hubbard over his head to prevent horses, donkeys and old maids taking fright.

HOORAY FOR GUANTANAMO BAY

President Obama was cheered today when he announced bankers, insurance company executives, hedge fund shonks, , incompetent ratings agencies and other finance charlatans will be placed in irons, hooded and flown to Guantanamo Bay.

There they will be placed in cells vacated by terrorist suspects and subjected to daily waterboarding. The US Supreme Court, the International Court of Justice and J. Edgar Hoover and his handbag have all backed Obama’s ratfink rendition plan.

Fidel Castro has kindly offered to extend the Guantanamo base free of charge to enable construction of tidal prison cells to accommodate the finance industry scumbags . Recordings of Castro’s speeches will be played nonstop to further torment the arrogant fraudsters who have brought the world undone. .

GERM WARFARE DECLARED

Dynamic new Health Minister Kon Vatskalis today launched an all out campaign to eradicate anaerobic bacteria in the NT. Disguised as friendly bankers in suits, this virulent bacteria could wipe out the ALP at the next election.

The minister thanked nomadic journalist Nicolas Rothwell for drawing his attention to the fiendish threat in an article in the Weekend Australia which said the Opposition freely admitted it was being treated like anaerobic bacteria . Yuk!

Wearing a doomsday protective space suit, the brave minister held up a test tube of highly toxic CLP bacteria and declared it Public Enemy Number 1 . Chicken- hearted media people fled to the nearest yuppie coffee lounge to escape any possible contamination. Masked sanitation engineers with long handled shovels will spread throughout the community and bury the dangerous bacteria.

To prevent the spread of the contagion , all voters will be urged to stick wine corks in their ears to stop any subversive bacteria from entering and wear horse blinkers to limit them being brain washed by mutating CLP literature.

CANBERRA CADDY SHACK

The leadership hiatus in the Liberals is fast becoming a mirror image of the rib tickling Caddyshack movie . Film fans will recall much of the action centres around the destructive dancing gopher at the blueblood Bushwood Country Club .

Demented Bill Murray is instructed to get rid of the gopher, but the critter refuses to go away, just like a certain backbencher who has the facial expressions of the troublesome rodent in the film. Snobbish Judge Smails , who bears a striking resemblance to a politician who cannot be named because of defamation laws , is plotting while pretending to be dignified. As ambitious as the leading caddy in the film, is another Canberra player who wants some of the crumbs from the born to rule pack banquet table.

Then there is Malcolm Turnbull who is regarded by some old dyed in the wool Liberals as a brash outsider , like that uncouth, loud- mouthed , farting real estate developer , Al Czervik at the Bushwood Country Club, whose wayward ball strikes Judge Smails in the testicles . Other negatives are that he is a republican , owns photogenic dogs , and can deliver some great verbal broadsides- at his own crew in the locker room .

The poster for the l980 movie was headed SOME PEOPLE JUST DON’T BELONG . In the case of the Liberal leadership, they sure don’t . Nelson did not. Malcolm is too bright , has a big picture view and experience of the world , and will tire of the internal bickering in the Country Club. Heaven only knows what will happen when a disgusting object in the shape of a leadership challenge is seen floating in Lake Burley Griffin during the Coalition annual picnic . As Chevy Chase said, tight zippers .

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PSST!-NAUGHTY PENGUINS?

Addicted to books, this Little Darwin stroller stopped in his tracks when he saw a seductive display of reprints of early Penguins in the window of the Angus and Robertson shop off the Smith Street Mall. One of them was Nabokov’s , Lolita , published in l955. Instantaneously , I was reminded of a memorable book, Tropical Temper , by James Kirkup, Readers Union Collins, London, l965, with an amusing story about Lolita . Author Kirkup went by boat from London to Malaya to teach modern literature in a university where he was told the English Department had to be run like a graduate production factory, so Lolita could not be on the reading list .

Delighted to find a bookstore, he unearthed an old and dirty copy of Nabokov’s Invitation to a Beheading in a pile of lurid sex thrillers. Expecting to pay the earth , his words, the Bengali storekeeper, still holding the book , asked for a mere dollar , and inquired if there was anything else he wanted. Looking at the book, the seller quickly read the blurb which said it was another memorable masterpiece by the best selling author of Lolita.

Then the fast talking shopkeeper asked Kirkup, the UK’s first resident university poet, if he liked “ hot stuff” and winked. He could supply Way of All Flesh- very naughty, very cheap, for two dollars. Declining the naughty volume, Kirkup was offered “… dishionary , plenty rude word, groin, bellybutton , vagina , stockingtop, armpit, poppycock…” Fleeing the premises, the last word heard was “tomtit .”

Naughty words got Kirkup into trouble in l977 when he and the editor of the Gay News newspaper were prosecuted for blasphemy by morals crusader Mary Whitehouse for running Kirkup’s poem The Love that Dares to Speak its Name which dealt with a Roman centurion’s supposed love for Christ on the Cross. A highly regarded poet and writer in Japan, in l997 he was presented with the Japan Festival Foundation Award and invited by the Emperor and Empress to the Imperial New Year Reading at the Palace in Tokyo.

Tropical Temper, a memoir of Malaya , is an illuminating work with brilliant insights into life in Malaya and Singapore , containing pertinent comments on the media , censorship, racism , the haughty attitude of university staff . There is also an account of his favourable first meeting with a young Australian man who had a strange Ocker accent and was disgusted by Singapore. That Kirkup experienced difficulty understanding the Australian accent is evidenced by him writing that the unpretentious Aussie had a garage business “ at Woolamaroo”, near Sydney. In all probability, this was Woolloomooloo. It is a book to be taken out from time to time to entertain and lift jaded spirits.

POLITICIANS IN DEEP PINK

It is surely time for Phillip Adams of the ABC Late Night Live show to be arrested for economic vandalism , put in chains and deported to some penal colony in New Zealand because of his call for people to show their dissatisfaction with politicians by sending them their pink knickers.

Imagine the chaos caused to the nation’s fragile economy when the Australian Royal Mail system is clogged up with knickers. Mail sorting machines will grind to a halt, postmen will be arrested for snowdropping and divorce rates will surely jump. Packages of bling bought on e-bay will go astray , causing untold heartburn to young women and unfortunates hooked on celebrity magazines. If the populace responds to the call to send their underwear , a growing practice by Hindu women in India, our Territory politicians can expect a veritable blizzard of underwear.

There could be a positive side to Adams’s outrageous call : so many panties will be sent to politicians the Chesty Bond factory may cancel its plan to move offshore and double staff numbers to cope with the demand . If this happens, The Unspeakable Adams could be pardoned, brought back to Australia, knighted and given a life supply of Bombay Bloomers, autographed by the shy and retiring wallflower,Peter Costello, whose contorted facial expressions give the strong impression he is suffering from exceedingly tight jocks, probably not pink but true blue Liberal .

CRY FOR OLD CEYLON AND PAKISTAN

The terrorist attack on the Sri Lankan cricket team in Pakistan is another outrage. Unlike Australia, the Sri Lankans had bravely gone to Pakistan to take part in sport , well knowing that it is a dangerous country showing increasing signs of disintegration .

Riven by a long civil war and battered by the tsunami , Sri Lanka is itself in a sorry state . This Little Darwin hoarder once collected a wide range of ephemera- postcards, photographs, travel guides , pamphlets, etc- related to the country when it was the fabulous place known as Ceylon, renowned for its grand old temples, friendly people and sapphires of various colours. Its capital, Colombo, was an exotic and busy port linking Britain with India, the Orient, Australia and New Zealand . One insensitive travel guide said many of the ancient temples needed a coat of modern paint.

In a l908 edition of the Lone Hand magazine there appeared a travel article about Colombo by Australian dramatist Louis Esson . Colombo, he declared, was the most cosmopolitan port in the wide world. Everybody, it seemed, passed through Colombo in those days. “There is a judge returning to Bombay, a French painter on his way to Japan , a mining magnate from Chilligoe (North Queensland ), a dealer in wild animals off to the Indian jungle, a British MP visiting Ceylon...” Australians arriving in Colombo, Esson observed, at first hesitated at being pulled about in a rickshaw , it being contrary to egalitarian principles.

There was a time when the two leaders with the most challenging jobs in the world , both women , were Mrs Indira Gandhi of India and Mrs Sirima Bandaranaike of Ceylon. Mrs Gandhi was assassinated and Mrs Bandaranaike, the world’s first female prime minister , wife of an assassinated politician shot by a Buddhist monk, had a stormy political life during which she changed the name of the country to Sri Lanka . She and her husband were blamed for disregarding the Tamil minority , thus leading to the bitter war that has raged for a quarter of a century , a final bloody shoot out said to be going on right now.