PETER THE GREATEST (ME)

After  drinking  much Portuguese plonk,  Peter  Burleigh  plans to reign over  Spain .

Self  portrait  of royal  pretender Peter  Burleigh about to set off   from Australia  for the unsuspecting  Mother Country  many moons ago  on the trail of  a  mysterious  family claim  to  the Spanish  throne. 

Australia has never had a home-grown royal family of its own. This explains why we devote so many pages in magazines and TV time to other people’s royals - like Betty, Prince Chuck and Camilla, Harry and Megoon, Edward and Kate Middlebrow, Pippa Middleton’s rear end, Anne the Unconscious, Phil the Greek, our Mary of Apple Danish and several others of  dubious sexuality  and  proclivities.

Meanwhile , here in Seville ,Spain, thousands of people  queue  daily to purchase entry to the Alcazar , a spectacular Moorish-then Christian Mosque -later a Royal Palace in the 1300s  and still used today .

But here's the thing : a little known  but major attraction  for  Australians to Seville's palace is our newly exposed (in a Press Release  today) connection to the centuries  old  royal kingdom of  King Peter the First , called Peter the Just .

Peter the Just  with people and pig sticker detecting an unsavoury smell.

There was a joke running through the Court that Peter was always "just in time " or " just too late " or his mistress was "just a little bit pregnant " and so on .

When he lost his temper his name changed to Peter the Disgruntled , but this did not catch on amongst Alcazar staff, several of whom were severely punished.

It will come as  no surprise to those who know me that I, your reporter , have Royal Blood . Other Australians , some of whom may well  know my name through Little Darwin will be pleased  to be associated  with a genuine person of  the nobility. Better still,I intend to share the benefits of my ascension to royal Spanish celebrityhood with all my fellow Australians .

True, I am only 43,887th in line to the Spanish Throne , but following me  each and every Australian  has a chance of making it to the throne . Because  I am  an only child named Peter I can confirm  my entitlement to share the glory of  the  first  Peter , called  Peter the Just .   

In answer to his insistent requests, I decree that even Tony Abbott is in line (23,941,512nd) for a Royal Guernsey. Despite how you feel about Tony, my generosity is consistent with being a descendant of Peter the Just.

Peter the Just  was born on 30 August 1335, a mere 700-odd years before my own self, and began his reign when he was 16. When I was that age, all I wanted was to lose my virginity and avoid dying from the Black Plague.

Peter the First had blonde hair, blue eyes, a pale complexion and a penchant for long hours and hard work. I have none of those characteristics but I do have the name, or title, of ‘Peter’. Like my namesake, I eventually lost my virginity. However  unlike my namesake who secretly married a girl called Maria de Padilla, I struggled to find an appropriate princess  until  later  in  life.

Poor Blanche 

In 1353 he was forced to marry Blanche of Bourbon for political reasons. When my research revealed the name ‘Blanche’ I thought a further Australian link had popped up, but no, the Hawke Dynasty had already claimed that one. Peter only stayed with Blanche (not that one, the other one) for two nights before deserting her. Was this ‘just’, you ask, or did it give rise to King Peter’s other nickname,' Peter the Cruel'? I don’t wish to speak ill of the dead, as Blanche was murdered by Peter in 1361.

Peter the Just disported himself and had three daughters by Maria de Padilla. Peter's enemies  said  Maria  de Padilla had a face like a 'tortilla'. Merciless with his mistresses' critics, he made them eat humble pie -roasted goat stomachs.

He was  learning  how to govern , and  quickly developing all the professional qualities he needed , including suspicion, paranoia , vindictiveness , and ruthlessness  with opponents . His people loved him because he rarely applied his unpleasant new skills to them but  rather on Government officials  and would-be usurpers of  the throne .  

Imagine, when I become King of Australia, I will apply what history has taught me to the heretics of the Australian Taxation Office, The Border Force and  D’Mutton family.

Peter the  Just   successfully married off  his daughters. One became  the Duchess of Kent , a post currently held by Katherine  nee  Worsley , to whom I intend to introduce myself at the  soonest opportunity , and another became  the Duchess of Lancaster,  who I also have not had the pleasure.

Peter the Just , I believe, was duty-bound to concentrate on designing, extending and building the Alcazar in Seville, and therefore couldn’t devote as much time to his daughters as he wished. The  hard fact was they  were  a  distraction.

His taste in buildings was puzzling, as it was a melding of Moorish styles with a touch or two of Christian; after all he was a Christian King. By a stunning reoccurrence of intellectual and spiritual déjà vu your reporter graduated as an Architect in Melbourne and had a career notable for his unfulfilled desire to work on the design of Disneyland in Hong Kong. By applying a little sympathy and understanding my readers will see that the Seville Alcazar and Disneyland have important shared humanistic qualities.

Peter the Just finally ran out of time. In 1367 he was stabbed by his half-brother Enrique who had the body beheaded and the skull displayed at one of the city gates. Peter’s sensitive and poetic heart was stilled forever, and his architectural fetishes resolved. But his legacy need not end.

Indeed, over the centuries, several pretenders to Peter’s throne emerged, some more worthy than others: Peter the Great, Peter (of Paul and Mary), Peter the Not So Bad, Peter Lawford and Peter Lorre, Peter King of the Bulgarians and even Peter Sellers. Now that my kinship/kingship has been identified and recently confirmed by no less a poet than Geoffrey Chaucer it’s only a matter of time before the proclamation of my Kingship is announced.

My DNA is being officially measured against Peter the Just’s dried saliva found on a Middle Ages postage stamp. The prominent Australian-Spanish Doctor Geoffrey Eddleysoon, who is leading my forensic team, tells me that my DNA is a perfect example of the adherentine michrocondia rhinoplatemian eptiomial juxtapositional strain.

 Meanwhile, I have allies in the Australian Senate – Ms. Paula Handbrake of the Juan Nation Party and the Verde Greens Party are strong supporters of mine – and peoples’ organisations like La Provincia de Rio Hutt (previously the defunct Hutt River Province) are assembling their supporters and issuing stamps to raise money. We anticipate a handover to direct rule at the end of 2018.

Some of my key policies have been announced today (pray look in your publicity kit, after the Press release). We (that is, I) will decree that Spanish will become Australia’s primary language, firmly placing our country in the Northern Hemisphere, where it should have been in the first place. It won’t be difficult. I’ve heard kids as young as three or four speaking Spanish as if born to it, right here on the streets of Seville and Grenada.

I will also close down News Corp in Australia because Rupert and Jerry Murdoch are US citizens who do not speak Spanish. Murdoch’s TV, print and press operations will be replaced by Mr Peter Simon’s ‘Little Darwin’ media conglomerate and Don Pablo Simon will be asked to change the character of ABC-TV to a Townsville-centric Press/TV agency, tasked with  telling  the stories of  the Australian-Spanish people.

The ACCC will be replaced by a renewed Spanish Inquisition.

Peter the Just would approve of the plans I have for Parliament House in Canberra. It will be renamed The Peter the Just Royal Palace (Real Ozcazar) after my advisors consider whether it can be mistaken for Peter the Just Royal or ‘almost Royal’. I can reveal that a large hat or crown is to be fitted over the triangular flagpole, detailed in rabbit skins trimmed with gold and blue velvet. Other Gothic and Moorish touches will be added throughout, as well as a rooftop amusement park for my people.

My consort, the Most Regal and Beneficent Queen Judith of Minyama (her motto: ‘I’m not from Barcelona’), is looking forward to welcoming all our fellow Australian-Spanish (‘Ozspan’) people to a regular Buenas Tardes Tea Party every third Viernes of the mes.

Hasta la Vista.

Peter the First of Australia.