Monday, June 19, 2017


End of  term  report  finds  conservatives , federally  /  states , like  the  dysfunctional  Glum  Family  in  Take It From Here .
A photograph , it is said ,  is worth a thousand  words,  even  more when capturing the  varied   expressions on  the faces  of   government  members  .   In  the case of  the above snap   of  Prime  Minister  Malcolm Turnbull , about to poke  himself  in the eye with a pointy Gonski ,  spaced out  Deputy PM  Barnaby Joyce , near his armpit ,  it  sure speaks  volumes.

As parliament  goes through the   last sitting  before  the  extended  winter break , the  Coalition  clearly  crumbling  like  various  glaciers  worldwide,  respected  Canberra  political reporter   Argus Tuft   has  prepared  an  exclusive,  fair and balanced   report  ,  like Fox News ,  on  the  performance of   some of  the  main  players. This  is  the first  in  the  informative series .     
MALCOLM  TURNBULL :   The X-Files are  gospel - the real Malcolm was  spirited  away  by aliens  soon  after he  became  PM . This  humanoid  posing  as   Turnbull  waves  its  arms  about , does not look happy , is not convincing   and through its  hand  motions  could  end up  sold to  a Chinese pottery factory making   cheap,  pretend  genuine Australian   souvenirs  for the  Commonwealth Games on the Gold Coast, Queensland.  Exclusive   photograph  above  shows  MT , related to ET, looking tired  because  its  lithium  battery is running  down . The Greens  smartly twigged this creature  is  not  Malcolm  Turnbull, said it was being  led  about  by  the nose  by  various odd  groups in  the party  and should  be taken to the knackery . A Japanese  scrapmetal yard  would  seem more appropriate . 
BARNABY  JOYCE: Inoculated with a rusty gramophone needle at a tender age , he looks as if he is on an other  planet  during  Question Time , pulling  faces, rolling  his eyes , laughing , winking  , gazing into space , etc .  And  while  his  strange verbal utterances   are  good for  TV grabs  , you never know  what  will  next  spew  from  his  lips  as  he  is regarded as  being able to speak "bush "   ... terrorists and  testicles ,  Bingo! ,  splendthrift  Myrtle , dams , dams , dams , dams and more dams,  One  Nation  like  attacks on the  ABC.   Cracking  a  whip  at  the annual Winter  media  knees up  and  grope  in  Canberra like a Marlboro  Man  added  to  the  entertainment  in which  the robotic  PM  blew a  fuse and  mocked  the wind  up  idiot  in  the White House , causing  mock  indignation and outrage  in the  Catholic boys  daily , this  beaut expression pinched  from  the  Saturday Paper .  The  same  bright  weekly , in  its   Gadfly column ,  by  Richard  Ackland , produced the memorable  nickname   for  President  Trump, Pussy-Grabber-in-Chief .
Parliament  was  nearly  evacuated  when   what  was  thought  to be a  dangerous Redback Spider  off  a  country  dunny seat   was  spotted , above ,   on  Barnaby's scalp . Thankfully , it  was   found not to be the inspiration for a song which topped the  Australian  Hit Parade , not even a  Daddy Longlegs, just  a  very  thin  kiss curl, or  him participating  in a  secret pesticide  control   trial organised  by   public  servants  reluctantly  shipped  in irons  to  his  electorate .

While answering a  question ,  Barnaby  delivered a  familiar  spray on  the  Opposition  and  was  so wound  up  that the  Manager  of Opposition Business   Tony Burke interrupted ;  the  Speaker asked if  it was on a point of order.   No ...just to let   Barnaby   have a  break, come up for   air , as   he  was extremely  red faced . Some North  Queensland canefarmers   unkindly  described   Barnaby, Minister for Agriculture ,  as   being  as  useless  as  tits on  a  bull  in  the  long  struggle  with   Wilmar . After parliament rises , blathering  Barnaby  is  going to be  sent to Queensland  to try and bolster  the unhappy, barking   Liberal National Party headed  by unpopular  dodgem car rider Tim Nicholls, key  player in  the Campbell  Newman Government  which was  swept from  office . With an  election  possible in  Queensland later this year , new look Nicholls  recently vowed  and  declared he would  not  sell off state assets and  sack  large numbers  of  public servants .  Tell  that  to the Marines in Darwin's Chinese compound .
NEXT:  Hirsute Argus  Tuft  reveals  the fascinating   link  between  Colonel Custer  and  the  Turnbull  Government.