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| Ticked off |
CANBERRA : A top secret germ warfare squad is investigating the startling report that Deputy PM , Agriculture and Water Resources Minister Barnaby Joyce is being attacked by deadly ticks bred by disgruntled public servants who do not want to be forcibly relocated from here , 700 kilometres to Armidale in his NSW electorate of New England , described as a clear act of pork barrelling .
The rampant ticks are shown here climbing up his tie towards his Windsor knot and jugular in the House of Representatives piggery. They are believed to be a test tube bred mutation of the Yarramalung Beetle from the swamps of the Amazon . One bite is usually fatal , victims babble insanely , run about like John Cleese in Fawlty Towers , drink their own Murray River recycled bathwater , eat their hat and fall down in a swoon outside one of Armidale's 27 pubs.
Typical swinging Armidale voter, with a pet black dog fed on packs of free National Party pigs trotters , hears the alarming news about the escape in Canberra of the deadly beetle turned into a more potent vermin by unhappy public service scientists.
Luckily , Barnaby appears to have an immunity to the beetle , but not the new super tick . So each day he has to check his attire to make sure it does not have any nasties on the march. While having his Friday go to market ablutions , he has been warned to watch out for this other evil looking crustacean mutation in the deep end of the bubble bath . On seeing such a monster , he has been instructed by the Australian Federal Police to whip out his Adler shotgun standing nearby with the towels and blast away-making sure not to injure his vitals in the process, blow the rubber ducky to smithereens and destroy the home brew keg .
The Turnbull Government allocated $24.1million to shift the entire Australian Pesticides and Veterinary Medicines Authority from Canberra to Barnaby's electorate , plus up to $10 million for redundancies , to pay off those who have indicated they do not want to be moved to the bush - so far numbering 110 of the 175 persons involved. Top secret is the cost benefit study of the effects of this proposed move , not supported by the Veterinary Medicine Authority .
The Turnbull Government allocated $24.1million to shift the entire Australian Pesticides and Veterinary Medicines Authority from Canberra to Barnaby's electorate , plus up to $10 million for redundancies , to pay off those who have indicated they do not want to be moved to the bush - so far numbering 110 of the 175 persons involved. Top secret is the cost benefit study of the effects of this proposed move , not supported by the Veterinary Medicine Authority .
