CROC ATTACKS PROBE SHOCK FINDING

A strange  reason has been   found  for  why so   many   people  are  being    masticated  by  crocodiles  in  Bob Katter  senior's  Queensland   electorate  of   Kennedy . 

Katter  has  on several occasions  demanded  a  crocodile cull , claiming  one of    his   constituents  is  munched  by  crocs   every  few  weeks, which seems  like  a terrible   situation  and  a  major  blow  to  the  tourist  trade.

However,  the  ABC fact checker denied  this  claim  and was  backed up  by  the    head of the  Crocodile Homicide Squad, Detective  Harry Messel , of  Cairns , formerly of  Darwin .

Detective Messel said Katter seemed to have a crocodile  obsession .  He recalled the  wrinkled   pollie , in another media  photo  opportunity,   had  once  tempted  fate  by  riding on  a  slide over   a  large ,sleepy crocodile  at  the  Cairns  casino .

Despite  this  rebuttal,  Katter  continued  to  push for  saurians to  be  culled , a  call  backed  by  the Gatling Gun Company , the National  Rifle  Association  and  the  One  Mad  Dog  Party .

As a result , an in  depth  investigation  was launched  by  Queensland  parks  and   wildlife  rangers  into   Katter's    claims  . It   has  just  annouunced that it  made  an  important    discovery  , indicating  that the Moreton Bay Ash Tree   and  climate  change   are responsible  for  crocodile  attacks  in  the  electorate , with  dire  consequences  for   other  parts  of   the   north .

The tree has  dark  tesselated   bark , left,  that looks like crocodile  skin  .  Due to climate change ,  it was found  fewer female  crocs are being born and  marauding   males  have   become  near-sighted .

In  their  search for  a  partner , the   randy  crocs  slithering   about  Kennedy  mostly   end  up   frustrated  after  cuddling   curvaceous   ash   trees   like  the   following one  ,  with   seductive,  welcoming  arms, thinking   they  are   genuine mud bath  loving   femmes . .

 In  the  process ,  unwashed  constituents  often   get   in  the way  and  as  a result  receive  a   love   bite ,  which   passes  as   mastication . 

To protect all residents  in  the large electorate from future  attacks,  all ash trees  will  be  be  reduced to  woodchips  as  a  matter of urgency  so  that  male crocs will  go courting elsewhere . Tree  lopping  , it  has been suggested , could also be extended   into  the  Northern   Territory . 

Riding  at  large on a  mower , above,   without a pith helmet,   armed  with  a trusty .45 calibre pee shooter,  autographed  by  Buffalo Bill,   trigger- happy  Katter has   offered   to  mow   down  all  ash  saplings to protect  his   constituents   from   nasty  , myopic  handbag  attacks .

James Cook University says the tree  is known as  Koy-ung-kil-pi by the Yirrganydji  and Djabugay Peoples . Medicine made from it is used to treat dysentery , wounds  and  diarrhoea ;  the  wood  is  good for  making  tools .  Fom time to time a lot of  political bulldust  is  experienced in Kennedy, so it is reassuring for locals to know that you can  combat  it  and  Montezuma's Curse by cutting down  and   nibbling  ash  tree   bark .  

The   Katter   media  scrapbook  includes   the following   clipping  of  a  close   encounter  he   had  with  a  snappy  sartorial  saurian looking for a blind date in  Kennedy . 

The large   electorate  was  named after  British explorer Edmund  Kennedy  who travelled  through  much croc infested  country in his expeditions   before  he  was   speared to  death  in  December  1848.