WASHINGTON: President Trump has asked Australia to urgently provide a new fiendish weapon for an all out assault on a group which threatens to undermine the American way of life and upset those doddering members of the US Supreme Court still able to hold a golf club .
The terrible weapon is the dreaded CSIRO K5 calicivirus which is wiping out a new breed of super bunnies across this wide brown , scorched land .
The president was so impressed by initial reports about the new Aussie rabbit exterminater , he immediately called the Australian Prime Minister , Malcolm Truffles , on the scrambled phone and asked him if it would wipe out feral gophers which dig holes in the Trump chain of luxury golfcourses . The PM , standing at attention throughout the call , assured him Australia has a proud record of being able to quickly kill any critter which inhabits the land .
Delighted at the response, the president said he would be able to fire his chief greenkeeper , Carl Spackler , who had been unable to wipe out the many gopher colonies on the Trump courses , once the virus arrived . It could also be used to destroy pesky squirrels . Grumpy old judges , he confided , who play golf , often complained about the holes dug by the rodents and being distracted by squirrels when trying to sink a money winning putt ; one Supreme Court judge, who twisted an ankle, is even threatening to sue Trump for the Tower .
After the conversation with Truffles , Trump, using the above secret hand signals , gave orders for the Pentagon to quickly import vast quantities of the rabbit virus from Down Under in a bid to exterminate all the gophers . Some of the virus will be rushed to Scotland where Trump is at war with local Highlanders who oppose his golfcourse and give him the Brave Heart mooning treatment . Trump insists the American comedian Samantha Bee, who sends him up regularly is unpatriotic and conspired with the Scots to unleash singing Welsh rabbits on every green , causing the resort to make large financial losses, which will entitle him to not pay tax for 100 years . She has retaliated by threatening to reveal the wee tartan beastie Donald had under his kilt when he was having a fling in Edinburgh .
