COALITION FUNK BUNKER SEEKS GUIDANCE FROM PROMINENT EXPERT : WORLD SCOOP

Top gun  sod  buster Kenny  entering  parliament,  via  tradesmen's entrance , on way to  bunker ,  snapped standing  on  a pile  of   proposed  new  Senate rip  and  use  voting  tickets .

CANBERRA: With excreta seemingly hitting  the   fan  from all  directions each and every day  ,  rattled Coalition   heavies  have called  in  Australia's  famous plumber, Kenny ,  to   help  unblock  the   political  snafus piling up  all  over the nation .

In particular, the true blue brigade  wants to know  if  Kenny, after examining the  entrails,  can predict the election outcome  if  a Number  2  Bill is  rejected by that motley mob  squatting  on  the  redback infested Senate cross bench  and  PM Turnbull  calls a   double  dissolution.

Well  known  rabid  right  wing   political  pundit and  pain in the  butt  ,   Harpic  Harry , so named because  he is clean round the bend ,   is  strongly  urging  Turnbull  to  adopt  the  Northern  Territory News  approach to the  political constipation   and  insert  a  cracker up  the  clacker of  Bill Shorten .

Already there has been  a rattling  chain of events which indicates  the  PM intends  to light the  election  fuse  in the near future .  On the other  hand,  with   all the  crap going on  in the Liberal Party , especially in NSW , where  vicious  factional   infighting    and  preselection   vote   manipulation has revealed  dem   Libs are anti-democratic and acting  like  the ruling  Chinese  communist party regime,  this could  could  see  the  party  mauled  by  voters, so sit in as long as possible.

 

Examples: Three   members  who   publicly voiced  their  concerns received official letters  flushing   them out of  the    party . Even prominent  conservative Professor David Flint  has  a  gripe about  the   gripe  within  the  Liberal Party. As he is a Monarchist to his bootstraps , it is   fair  to say the Queen of Australia , Lizzie Two Stroke , like  Queen Victoria , is not amused by the ruling  class  shenanigans  in  this  part  of  the  empire .


Genial   Dick Smith , indicated  he is so  appalled  at what is going on he might   stand against  Bronwyn  Bishop if  she insists on standing for preselection and  the   factional  warlords  put  her back on the launching pad .

But  the  best  explanation of  the effluvium within the Liberals  has  been supplied   by   irrepressible , straight  shooting  NSW  Senator Bill Heffernan whose  outbursts  are  like  a strawberry  flavoured  enema  on  the  body  politic:

 

Now, out of left  field , New England  actually,  independent Tony Windsor, derided in the  front page article  of a paper  which gives many reasonable Australians the shits ,  has announced he is going to give the  Deputy PM , Barnaby  Joyce , who only  recently  ascended  to  the rustic, whittled  National  Party   throne , a  champion greyhound run for his money ; Barnaby has   increasingly   looked   like  a  deputy sheriff's  sad  faced  bloodhound  about  to  be wormed  ever  since ... today announcing he  is  the  underdog  in  the  election. Woof ! Woof ! to you , Johnny Depp  and  Tony Windsor .

 

And  former  Victorian Liberal premier Jeff Kennett  has  thrown ordure on the  threat of  a double dissolution by  rightly saying it is hiding  the fact that the Coalition has no  policies .  Even Michael Kroger , another Liberal  Compost State  power broker,  is talking about  doing preference  deals  with  the  Greens, even saying they are not nutters !!!  This , naturally , caused  shock , fear and loathing in the Canberra Funk Bunker as the Coalition , supported by ferret headed  right wing media hacks ,  has showered the Greens with  derogatory labels  for  decades.  Yet  another  indication  of  the  spread  of Montezuma's  curse  in   Tory  tubes.

 

 In an exclusive interview  with Kenny during  smoko  , consisting of finger food and a bottle of Grange, in  the  parliament  house banqueting hall, he told our political reporter , Argus Tuft , there are so many blockages in  the place , he feared  there  could  be  an  eruption like  that  of  Krakatoa  in 1883.

 

Can  Kenny , up to his chin in muck  and fearful of somebody slamming the door  ,  solve  the   problem , flush  the warlords out of the system and receive special  penalty rates for  working weekends ? For   answers  to these important  questions and  more , spend  a   penny  for  a good cause ,  donate    to  our Xmas party fund ,  and  be  posted  the   latest  Canberra  splash  pattern  on  Lady Scott  tissues.   

NOW  FOR  SOME  LIGHT  RELIEF

Brilliant Australian Financial Review cartoonist   David Rowe's  guide to the intricate S-bend workings  of  the Liberal  Party   is  helping  fearless  Kenny   dive  into and navigate through  the  murky waters  filled  with  corrosive  Coalition   coagulates  and  dumped   Codling  Moth  riddled  Tasmania  apples .