CANBERRA : There will be welcome uplifting news in the Black Hole of Calcutta Budget for women
forced to become pole dancers
late in life before
they reach the
pension age
of 70
and can then slump to the floor, be carried away on a stretcher and rubbed down
with
horse liniment .
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| Pull rip cord -stand back . |
To make the
dancers appear more alluring
to the leering , Grange- swilling lobbyists in the audience , the kind-
hearted Abbott government will
supply them with packets
of the above miracle
Malaysian breast
firming powder. According
to the instructions , the powder
tightens breasts and
is important for women after
marriage . It is first mixed
with rose water- the thorns removed – otherwise there could be an outbreak of
Thorns on Tits ,
twice as bad
as the Crown of Thorns scourge , which
is chomping away on
the Barrier Reef .
Animal
rights activists , the RSPCA and Dr
Otto Titslinger, the latter likely to be
be made redundant, are certain to be outraged
as the directions
on this sample packet , taken for a test run by Little
Darwin on 10 women , says that after
applying the powder and rose water
twice a week for 10
minutes, your should
massage with TURTLE OIL!
Presumably , you first
have to catch a struggling Hawksbill Turtle, making sure you keep
its powerful beak from
clamping on a
nipple , painful beyond all belief , one
would think , keep it in the bathtub and share
your tasteless gruel with
the critter before viewing
another exotic SBS cooking show which specifically teaches you how to cook a
turtle in 101 different ways and make
oil from the offal . Stand
back , as your mammaries , dangling
down near your knees , spring upright
like
ground
to air missiles , ready for
instant action with a big spender .
