CANNES : It has just been confirmed that Australian Coalition trick cyclist, Tony Abbott , will play the starring role of brave Joan of Arc in a film to be shot in Paris next year . Unlike the fairy tale ending of Cinderella , poor Joan was turned into cinders by her former pontificating , power - hungry supporters .
Abbott, who moves in religious and hunchback circles when he is trailing the field in the pretend Tour de France at Notre Dame , let slip his surprising new career after the certain election thrashing when he told reporters that as a woman he expects to be treated in a certain way.
Alert journos , ready to pounce on every word uttered by a pollie , including a slip of the tongue, asked him if he was making a special announcement about a gender change . Caught with his petticoat showing and rouged cheeks , he responded thus: “This is gospel- I have signed a great big new contract to play the French Catholic heroine , Joan of Arc. I am currently undergoing a course of botox and dermal cosmetic injections to turn me into a French dairy maid, comely enough to be photographed doing an Apache dance on the the top of Uluru and feature on the front page of the NT News with a crook crocodile."
Little Darwin can reveal that the French film company - Le Grande Prix Nouveaux - has promised to let him have a holiday after the great big election defeat to go surfing with Kevin Rudd .The saltwater will heal the cat-o’-nine tail weals and stab marks. Then it will not hurt when he ties on Joan of Arc’s chastity belt for the film which will be shot in 3D on the same location as the French horror classic, Phantom of the Rue Morgue .
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