Thursday, May 5, 2016

SINGAPORE TO SAVE QUEENSLAND FROM ALIEN CREATURES

TRIPPING , a guide to Queensland tourist  spots, includes this gem : "Mackay is one of the  best places to see a platypus in the wild. Take a day trip to Eungella National Park and watch this unique dick-billed mammal splash among the water of  Broken  River."

CANBERRA :  It  has just been revealed that  the real  reason why Singaporean  troops are going to set up  military  bases in Queensland is because the state is being  overrun by millions of   mutated   Four and Twenty  brand  platypi .

CSIRO  spokesman , Richard  Cranium ,  soon to be made redundant  and start up an  innovative sly grog  shop  to  make ends meet,   says the  man-eating  dick- bill explosion  is  due  to the massive pollution of Sunshine State waterways  and aquafers  through mining , dodgy CSG  plant made out of recycled  Lego parts , agricultural  runoff , tree  lopping  , war  games  galore .

As it will be  some  time before  Singapore can send in the cavalry ,  Christopher " The Fixer"   Pyne , who  recently unleashed herpes on  the European carp   plague ,  has  been   parachuted  into  Mackay to  beat back the  swarming  dick-bills .

Our  exclusive photograph shows  him  in his best Adelaide Club  shooting clobber , which includes  knickerbockers ,  plugging unsuspecting  platypi   with a  punt  gun , from a canoe specially  built for him by the Australian Submarine Corporation , on the   Broken  River .

Meanwhile , in London , Sir David Attenborough , who  recently presented the epic TV  series on  the Great Barrier Reef  , is reportedly outraged  that  the  rare platypus  variant is  being  slaughtered, and says he will give  Pyne   the rough end of a  pineapple treatment the next time he is in Australia  .
 
The wonderful  dick-bill, he said , was  a shining  example of Darwin's theory of evolution , the creature changing and  evolving  due to the toxic environment  spreading throughout  the  state .