MADAME POMPADOUR TRAINING SCHOOL FOR LIBERAL LADY CANDIDATES

In a secret location in  Melbourne-Toorak,actually-elegant French tutor  Madame  Pompadour , above ,  is  running    a   finishing  school   for  the many    women   clamouring  to  become   Liberal Party  candidates   at  the  looming election.  Our exclusive photograph reveals she  is having trouble  coping  with  the    climate  change  induced   heatwave.

 

In  a Little Darwin   interview conducted   while she   daintily  downed  three  plates of  Coalition   tripe , a side  serving of  pickled  cane toad ,   washed  down with  a  pint of   latte , she  popped her  corsets  and  gave  several  lady-like   burps .

 

All Liberal  women  candidates, she insists, should wear   giant  wigs like the one  she sports  , tastefully  decorated with organically grown   produce to  win the  votes of  vegans ,  strawberry  growers , swinging Greenies .  Ladies  sporting a   sprig of  cleavage , she added ,  could capture  the  attention of National Party  country bumpkins  who  spend  too  long  with  sheep. A bunch of Merlot added to one's coiffure is likely to  win the  vote of a  grape groper .

The  school  is  a  vital part in  a  desperate move to  try and   improve the  bully boy image of  the Liberal Party in which  women are rarer than  Dodos. It is understood  Kelly O'Dwyer , the Federal Minister for Women and Mirages , will  officiate  at  the   glittering   graduation  ceremony  in a  telephone booth in the very near future .  

FBI AND LONE RANGER JOIN FORCES FOR WHITE HOUSE RAID

 Latest  exclusive  non-fake news  report

WASHINGTON : With the help  of  the Lone Ranger and  his   pal ,  Tonto , the FBI   is planning to raid  the White House and   seize   vital documents linking President   Trump with  a  Russian go-go dancer  .  There is  a   precedent   for this  unusual  combined action  going back to   1968   when  the then FBI chief-J. Edgar  Hoover- called in  the Lone  Ranger  for  help. 

The   photograph  capturing the historic event  appeared in the popular  American magazine , Esquire , a  copy of which was  bought in the Fannie Bay , Darwin , Vinnies  shop ,  and is show  below . 

 Not to look conspicuous , the Lone Ranger (Brace Beemer )  wore a business  suit  and  a mask; he  was armed  with what  appears to  have  been a  hockey stick , an alpine horn or an early phone tapping device . The observation was made that in those days  the Lone Ranger was  such  a   big guy his mount , named  Nickel Silver, was  a  powerful  draughthorse , not   an  Arab   racehorse .

According to  an FBI leak ,   the  impending   raid on the White House with a  descendant  of the  Lone Ranger will not include a  horse  because it might eat  Donald's  fake   hair  , become windy  and  have  to  be  put down by  a  Democrat vet .

Esquire  magazine  ran a  "happiness  sweepstake "  in  which the winner would receive a  host of  prizes,  including  a  glossy photograph of  Hoover and the Lone Ranger, two  plastic daffodils , a large oil painting , a  free  lunch in  New York , threatening  telegrams   from one  David Merrick , copies of  original letters  complaining of editorial malfeasance   from such writers as   Norman Mailer, Philip Roth , John Updike and others, a French hard to understand letter from General de Gaulle's  office ,  books  and  records.  All entries   had to be addressed to the Esquire  "Happiness Department ", 488 Madison Avenue , New York .   

RUNNING DOG REPORT ON CLUCKY COUNTRY ELECTION CAMPAIGN #1

Frantically running about  like Chicken Man in a Newcastle Disease chook outbreak, Scott Morrison , back from  spreading   the  Australian  missionary position  in the  South  Pacific , is  expected  to ordain   that  all National Party colleagues refrain from buying potent spring roll  powders brought in by Chinese tramp steamers and, if they don't, wear  boxing  gloves to  prevent  punching  below  the   belt .     

COOL CURLEW PREPARES FOR LOUD NORTHERN IRELAND MARCHES

 

 

The   day   following  these photographs were taken  of  one of our resident  Curlews  ,  a  strange  event  took place . Lolling  in  a  nearby  bedroom in the afternoon ,  not far from the Curlew swimming pool , this writer was  listening  to  an ABC   Radio National special introduced by Fran Kelly  about  the music  played   by  protest  marchers  over  the  years . 

 

It started with the  New Orleans influence  on   union  bands  in  Britain in the l950s , took  in the  50 mile nuclear  disarmament  movement  marches to  the Aldermaston   RAF   base with  its  H-bombs , taking  back  the  streets  marches  in  Australia,  the contribution  of  Sydney's   Southern Cross  Band   on  jazz in the  UK .

 

In  dealing  with "the troubles" in Northern  Ireland  and the  marches by  Orangemen celebrating  the   Battle of  the  Boyne,  prolonged ,  loud massed  flute   and   drumming  could  be heard .   At  this stage , I sat up  to turn down the radio and  glanced outside ... There was a  Curlew  which seemed to be listening to  the radio , staring  at the open  bedroom window , the  flute  music  possibly sounding  like the  wailing  of  birds .

 

 Then   it stretched up  to its full height , spread  out its  wings like the Oh What A  Feeling!  high jumper  in the Toyota  advertisement  - and  danced wildly  about the   yard,  twice.  It  came  to  a halt   outside the  bedroom , its  head  cocked to the side as  if  to resume  listening  to  the  radio . Oh what another   wonderful experience-for  me , except cracking  knee joints  would   not permit becoming airborne .  Anyway , Up  the  workers  and  the  ALP  !

PEACOCK SPIDERS SPIN GREAT YARNS WOOING FEMALES

 

 

Part of  the travelling Spiders Exhibition at the  Museum and Art Gallery in Darwin  includes  fascinating  film footage of   prancing  males  described  as  Peacock Spiders . They are  tiny, hard to see   show offs   compared to the  feathered   real  McCoy , included here  for  comparison .

The  Museum  Shop  , naturally , features  spiders  in a  crawly way , the hat visible in the photo at the back of  the display case  is  a Crocodile Dundee  special, with  crocodile teeth  in  the band  , yours  for  $160.

 

There is an entry charge  for the  spider section   and  the   interesting , well  attended   talk   we   went to   was  spoiled by  noise  from a nearby   game  and other distractions,   making  it   hard  to  hear   the expert  commentary. Admittedly it was   school holiday time , nevertheless   the   professional   talk   should  have  been delivered  in  a more  controlled  area . 

 

 The impression gained  from  going throughout  the   museum  was  that  it is limited in space ,  tired  looking .  There  were   hints  that   interesting  art  objects could  be  stored  away.  A  proposal to build   a  new  $40million museum at Myilly  Point  received a hostile reception  in some quarters.  The  show  runs    until   April  28.    



A BLANKETY BLANK LIFE STORY

Midst the bustling  pre-Christmas  popular weekend  Parap Market  in Darwin  , with its  Cambodian , Vietnamese  , Indonesian  , Thai  and  Malaysian  tucker , fruit and veg,  Laksa  soups , assorted   drinks , vanilla  slices ,  recycled   inner tubes  , trinkets , jewellery , massages , two anti-fracking stalls  and  prints  ,    a  small  book stand was  spotted . It  displayed several interesting  volumes, the titles, it was explained,  were  ones  which  budding authors would  like to  write  , even  about  themselves .  On  opening  the  books , it was   found  all  the pages  were   blank . An   ideal  Christmas    gift ,  it was suggested .   

No fear of  flying to and  from New Zealand   evident  in a bill  for the  Lano and  Woodley FLY  show  about  pioneers of  flight  posted  to the door of  the  Chief Minister's office in Parap about which  the  market  swirls , due to  an ATM machine nearby . A  poster  offering  a  reward  of  $1000   for a missing  dog was   sighted   during  a Little  Darwin visit to the market  , along  with  a  rusty  crocodile.  

CURLEW ALERT RESUMES

Our  resident backyard  Curlews , acting strangely, immediately raised the  suspicion  that once more they had  eggs. Sure enough , a  familiar chirp  was heard  in  the  neighbour's backyard  and  there was  a  chick , obviously a few days old ,  with its  parents .  An  order  was issued for them to come  home .  A  day later ,  the  family  of  three   was   in  our  yard , expecting to be  fed .

The young one was snapped appearing to do a dangerous chin up  near a small Desert Rose. An earlier  shot  of   the  bird   shows  it stretched out , displaying its markings .