CONEY ISLAND CLAMP DOWN

  CANBERRA : A  top  secret American device  -the  cone  of  silence – designed  to  prevent  the  flow of   government    information    to   the public  will  be   installed  by  the  thousands  in  Abbott  ministerial   offices . Cone of  silence expert , Max  Smart,  flew  into  Sydney  last  night ,  hidden  in  the  cargo  bay  of  a  drone , which   crashed  landed on  the  lawn  at  Kirribilli  House.  The   prang   is   blamed  on    KAOS  and  the ABC .  Placed  in  splints  and   plaster,   plucky  Smart  was  flown  in  a  VIP  Gypsy  Moth   to   Canberra  where  he  conferred  with  the  PM   in  his  private , sound - proof  suite  at  the  YMCA.

Max  Smart  using cone of silence to  inform George W. Bush  the way to the  White House executive loo  after the  president had forgotten  the way , with  dire consequences for  the most  powerful  man  in  the   world

 All    ministerial offices  in  the  national capital will be  fitted  with   cones  of  silence  as  a  matter of  urgency  in a  concerted effort   to  keep  the   public  in  the  dark  and reporters   spending  more  time  churning  out  crap  stories   about   handbags,  shopping,  cooking ,  sport,  dreary celebrities, cooking, dancing , cooking , fashion,  lifestyle , cooking , bling  and  the  adoration of corporate  figures  who  turn out  to  be   crooks .   A   cone  of   silence  has  already  been  installed  in  the   Operation  Sovereign  Borders  command  headquarters .      A   government   media  person,  taking  a  dog  for  walkies ,  this  morning   said   the   last  thing  the   government  wants   is  for  the  public  to  become   well - informed,  able  to  think  for  themselves .  The   cones   of   silence  would   help   lower  the  IQ  of   your  average  Aussie  to   that   of   the   Swamp  People .

POLITICIANS A-WOOING GO AT SLIMY CELEBRITY BUSH WEDDING

 

Thicker than a plague of locusts ,  hordes of  romantic  Coalition   politicians  attended   the  wedding  of   the  year  when   two celebrity  frogs ,  Dave and Mabel , above, tied   the   knot  at a lavish ceremony  in  Snake Gully.    The   celebrity   bash   saw   many   A-list members    photographed   with   their   snouts  in  the  trough.   Miss  Piggy  even  flew   in  for  the  nuptials .   The   croaking   newly-weds  departed  on  a   bicycle  built  for   two,  headed for  a  secret ,  delirious  honeymoon venue  , believed  to  be  a   bunyip   infested   billabong.  

ABBOTT TURNS BACK THE BOATS AND HIS ANNOYING GREY HAIR

 

In  a Jakarata screengrab, PM  Tony  Abbott  immediately   reverses  the  tidal  wave  of  grey  hair on  his  thinning  pate  and   Foreign Minister Julie –“Look back in anger” – Bishop eyeballs  unfortunate   Tempo  political  reporter . 

DOLPHIN FUNERAL

 Printed by  Marchants  Studios ,  Gawler  and  Tanunda,  South  Australia, circa  1930s  .   Simon  Ephemera   Collection. 

 

BACK OFF- AND DON'T GO FOR YOUR GUN , JESSIE JAMES !

Tombstone Territory  gunslinger  Kid  Curlew .  Vallis  photograph

SAVE THE SPEAKER PLEA

Psychiatrists  warn   the new  Speaker of  the House  of  Representatives could  be   reduced to  this unfortunate, shell- shocked state  after  a  few  months  in  the  hot seat and  suggest  she  be  replaced  by  a younger politician from the  Looks  Could  Kill  Department .       

 The  Commonwealth  Parliamentary  Society for  the  Protection  of  Speakers  is alarmed  that  veteran  polly , Bronwyn  Bishop , has been  given  the  onerous job of   refereeing  the House of  Representatives   tag  wrestling   matches .  CPSPS  spokesman , Ned  Nong ,  today  said  Ms Bishop , not a  Steggle's  spring  chicken, would   be   put   under  incredible  stress  and  strain  trying to  stop  honourable members   from   gouging  out  each  other’s eyes ,  applying  the  painful rugby tackle  squirrel  grip,  putting  in  the   Italian  slipper , engaging in  unseemly Greco-Roman  holds on  the  lower  torso  and  stomping on  each other  like  Gorgeous George , the American wrestler  with  a pink cape who  sprayed the  ring with  perfume  and  had  his  arse  kicked  at King's  Cross  by  a   notorious  member of  the  Sydney Vice Squad .     

Nong  firmly stated  he  believed  that  PM Abbott   should  replace  Bronwyn  Bishop  with  the younger   Foreign Minister, Julie Bishop , whose  famous   death  ray   stare,  which  has  terrorised  garden  gnomes  and  leprechauns and  melted  polar  ice caps ,  might  just  keep   parliament  house  bikie   brawls   under  control.  He  went  on  to  say  that as  the   PM  was  said  to  be  the  political  love child  of  Bronwyn  Bishop and  John  Howard,  it  was  no  way  to   treat   your   mammy   by    throwing   her    into  the  lions  den   as  the  Speaker .

SICK PHARMACIES GO FOR THE DOCTOR

As  a  result  of  the  Harrison Group   having   been  placed  into   receivership   in  March  ,  medical    centre    doctors,   pharmacists    and  other  staff   have  been   departing .   Harrison's  , with  its   head  office  in  Sydney ,   ran   14  pharmacies  and   six  medical centres  in  NSW, Queensland,  South  Australia  and   the  NT .  Newspaper  advertisements   offered  the   business  for  sale as  a  group  or  separately.   In  Townsville ,   Harrison's  medical  centre  in  the  centrally  located  Castletown    shopping  centre   is  expected  to  close  within   weeks,  some  doctors   having   already   departed.  The  pharmacy attached to the centre  now calls itself  The Friendlies, instead of Harrison's .   There  is  a  busy  Harrison's  beauty  and    pharmacy centre    in   the  Darwin   Casuarina  shopping  complex .   Last   year   the   Pulse  Pharmacies chain   went  into receivership  after  it  collapsed  owing   $72  million.