BARNABY JOYCE SETBACK

IN BREAKING SHOCK NEWS for Queensland LNP Senator Barnaby Joyce, he will be challenged for pre-selection in the seat of New England by a well known local- Peter Piper , above, who picked a peck of pickled pumpkins in record time and is listed in the Guinness Book of Records. Piper is shown here with his mother who is helping him cross the road in Tamworth as he carries one of his famous pumpkins to the Country Women’s Association trade table to swap for a plate of curried lamingtons. Apart from being obsessed with pumpkins , Peter, a true blue/green National , is often seen chasing sheep around the family property , Green Acres. And at night he goes to sleep , clutching his Mr Bean  teddy bear , counting sheep and then dreaming about cuddly Lamb Chop . Piper’s favourite TV show is Swamp People.

The independent member for New England, Tony Windsor, one of the few reasonable members of parliament , is expected to resign and join a travelling circus as a blindfolded lion tamer for some well - deserved R & R when he hears that Peter Piper is almost certain to get pre-selection . Thwarted by Peter Piper , Barnaby can resume imitating Bob Katter and speaking in algorithms when it comes to matters economic. Barnaby has a tasty recipe for Queensland red emperor pumpkins and is expected to make a guest appearance on Channel 10’s new Dancing with the Red Dwarf.

As everybody knows, the original intended conservative candidate for New England slipped on a banana skin and, sadly, now in plaster from fibula to mortarboard , had to withdraw. He is expecting a touching get well card sometime soon from Tony Abbott, delivered by a Young Liberal on a Malvern Star with a flat tyre. Not everybody in New England is happy about Barnaby being parachuted in from the Sunshine State. Said one disgruntled voter : “ In Bananaland , they moan about southerners moving into their state; now they want to thrust a northerner into NSW to advance Barnaby’s and the National  Party’s grandiose plans to take over the political pumpkin patch.” PREDICTION : An anonymous Townsville psephologist (not Malcolm Mackerras), who rides a motorbike and has no visible tattoos , emphatically states  that Barnaby Joyce will  win  the New England lower house seat- if  selected.

DEVIOUS COALITION GOVERNMENTS CALL IN HUSH-HUSH MURDER SQUAD

Showing signs of exhaustion, this crack team of crime scene commercial cleaners - all skilled 457 Visa workers-is helping Australian Conservative politicians to quickly expunge evidence of serial blood letting in the ranks of those who believe they are born to rule .

Inspired by the Channel 10 Mr and Mrs Murder series, starring Shaun Micallef and Kat Stewart , the Liberals and Nationals engaged the team of experts to quickly clean up after frequent homicides, garrotings and stabbings at party meetings. In recent months Conservative party rooms have often resembled a Jack- the- Ripper murder scene , blood , guts , torn elastic, half eaten pork pies and penny gin ruining plush axminster carpets.

Just last week the tired chimps were flown to Darwin in a mining company private jet to clean up after multiple murders , brawls and mud-slinging in the Country Liberal Party revolving and rotating government . The CLP murder scene was likened to the gory Battle of 1066 when Harold got an arrow in the eye . Struggling Chief Minister Terry Mills , poked in the eye several times by his colleagues, was eventually killed off  by rockets fired from  a  drone operated from  the  top secret Pine Gap space base , while he was  nibbling sushi  during a business trip to Tokyo. The hard working team of monkeys is allegedly not paid peanuts , which is hard to believe, and is certain to be investigated by Fair Work Australia , the AWU, CFMEU and the RSPCA.

In Queensland , the Black Hand Gang has been actively bumping off LNP members and close associates with great regularity. It is understood that Colgate Kid, Peter Costello, has been advised to wear John Howard’s old flak jacket should he ever set foot  in Queensland again with further great advice for the Newman Government , following delivery of his bumper guide to flogging off the rest of the state , which caused angry wage slaves to take to the streets brandishing sharp scimitars

Recently the true blue Victorian Liberal , Big Ted, was given the Chopper Read treatment by a bunch of buddies wielding samurai swords , his aristocratic blood spraying over parliamentary surrounds . Down in Adelaide, a former Liberal Party leader committed hara-kiri ; former Federal minister Alexander Downer was asked to clean up the bloody mess ; he , reportedly , was keen to do the Liberal housework , but his wife refused to give him the squeegee mop.

Channel 10 carpet strollers , who frequently end up on a slab in a morgue themselves , are naturally delighted  and surprised that anybody is taking notice of the station’s television shows.

A Coalition spin doctor, Hector Bombast , admitted the silent simian spring cleaning squad is helping to prevent the public- their brains reduced to mush by the daily media coverage of the latest in handbags, cookery shows , and the ranting of shock jocks- from realising that the Tories are in  a  worse bloody mess than the ALP. Bombast said the murder scene monkeys would be badly in need of a change in career after all the stressful work in the NT, expected to last for at least three years , and would be strongly recommended  to mining magnate Clive Palmer as stewards aboard his made in China Titanic 11.

TOWNSVILLE DOWN IN THE MOUTH

Townsville’s prominent landmark-Castle Hill- which towers over the North Queensland city, is be renamed Mount Cavity following the discovery that it is crumbling and needs expensive root canal fillings . This comes a week after a dental company obtained naming rights to Townsville’s football stadium , home ground of the clean, green , nil additives Cowboys. The stadium is now known as 1300SMILES. The latest photograph of Castle Hill (above ) reveals the extent of the dental repair work that has to be carried out by the Townsville City Council. Clearly visible is the gummy state of the hill which could cause the entire edifice to collapse and slide into The Strand. Heavy–footed early morning climbers of Castle Hill who use the goat track and fluoride impregnated rainwater run off are believed contributing to the structure’s decay.

 No X-rays are needed to see the extent of the problem (above) which could also be connected to secret wartime tunnels dug into the rock  that are  beginning to  crumble.

NED KELLY NOW A TREE HUGGER !

The famous bushranger - Ned Kelly- has been sighted in North Queensland , where it seems he has turned into a Greenie. His latest armour (above ) is organic -wood- and traps trying to lay hands on him will get splinters under their fingernails. It is understood that Ned  fled Victoria because of the lousy weather . Clanking about in metal armour in North Queensland gave him prickly heat, so he whittled a new outfit from rainforest hardwood. Our cameraman got a fleeting  photo of Ned  in Townsville’s Anderson Botanical Gardens , Mundingburra, before he galloped off to hide in the vast caves in Flinder’s Street East where , like Robin Hood, he will make plans to fight the cruel rule of the slash and burn Newman Government. Ned is often seen in the nearby Cowboys Leagues  Club sharing a  steak  sandwich  with  Ambrose , the naked conch shell player, and arm wrestling  with  Protestant   patrons . In a lengthy registered letter he sent to Little Darwin, Ned says he is alarmed by plans to ease broad scale land clearing regulations in Queensland, which would make it difficult for him to escape into the bush when being chased by troopers.

HUSKY MENSA MOB PLOT

Startled members of the Northern Territory Government’s roasted peanut think tank are caught here in a rustic location – the back room at the Alice Springs Crumble Bar- secretly discussing leadership of the party . They hope to nut out a new parliamentary leader who will be as popular as the Milky Bar Kid with angry voters . Other  hot topics  discussed included the new menu for patients at Royal Darwin Hospital following the decision to do away with porridge as part of cost cutting measures. One replacement for porridge suggested by the bright team is recycled blotting paper with a thin smear of Nutella. And as a special treat, patients will be given imitation cigarettes and cigars made from ground-up cane toads , popular with the Minister for Health.