A person very close to me used to
say "I won’t fly cattle class." This is now "I only fly Business Class." Note
the smug tone. Get the snooty vibe. If you too fly Business Class, you’ll
understand the implications. Cattle Class is for the unfortunate untouchables
who are self-demeaned and shamed every time they lower their bums
into an Economy Class seat.
Airlines have successfully
reintroduced the ancient Indian system where the human race is categorised into
travel castes. After centuries of anti-caste activism and a lessening of its
acceptance, airlines introduced "apartheid light" to their loyalty programs.
Millions of people embrace the airlines’ loyalty programs. People rush to join
the upper levels of privilege and it’s costing them a fortune. Did I say
"them"? Of course I meant "us".
We were hooked from the moment we
booked our Business Award seats on Singapore Airlines. We swallowed the elitist
message that we’d moved up to the next level of human evolution and there could
be no going back. When we discovered we could pre-order Lobster Thermidor for
our flight to Paris, our humanitarian values were thrown down the escape slide.
To hell with equality, bring me my Lobster – now!
When discussing our travels with
others, we quickly learned to be unpleasantly aloof in conversation with everyone who admitted to flying "Battery Chicken Class". Battery Chickens have
more room to move than Economy Class passengers, the major benefit being the
chickens are free to relax their sphincters and Economy Class passengers are
not (of course there are many unpublicized "mishaps"). Our mantra is: "if you
can’t fly Business Class, don’t go at all."
A seat in Economy Class, or
"Untouchables Squat", includes food made from Thong or Stubby Holder offcuts
mixed with poisoned insects from insecticide laboratories. It’s no secret – ask
any Business Caste passenger, we know the truth. The Flight Attendants, if you
ever see one, wear WW2 SS uniforms with "KAPO" armbands. Whenever the
passengers become unruly, German Shepherds are brought up from the baggage
hold.
Economy Caste passengers are dusted with lice powder and must splash
through an antiseptic footbath on the way to their seats. It’s true. No wonder
their area is curtained off so we in Business Caste don’t witness the
iniquities suffered by steerage passengers. Instead, we slide our leather seats
backwards, order four glasses of the French Haut Medoc red (never order one when
you can get two each), put on our noise-reducing stereo headphones and dial up
a movie.
The airlines offer "Business
Caste Lounges" at most major airports. They vary greatly. At a QANTAS lounge
you’ll be lucky to get one of those little plastic squirters of Tomato Sauce
and a piece of Melba Toast. A Delta Airlines lounge may offer you a
reconstituted Buffalo-Wing-on-a-stick reheated from last week but in the
Singapore Business Caste Lounge you can stuff your face…I’m sorry, I meant
consume as much Tattinger Champagne, Yum Cha and Curried Conger Eel as is
elegant (and you define what’s elegant, if you get my meaning).
For every privilege there’s a
price to pay. To retain our elite status we must funnel our entire lives
through two credit cards: Singapore Airlines "Krisflyer" Visa and Amex. When we
owned a business we charged everything from toilet paper to food for the guard
dog to paper clips and thumb tacks…every little thing went on the airline
credit cards.
Today nothing has changed. I’m retired but I enter "Points
Accumulator" as my employment in each census. We won’t buy stuff that doesn’t
attract points. We buy stuff we don’t need. We negotiate with the airline to
get the most out of every point. We do our own bookings through Singapore
Airline’s labyrinthine website to get a bonus discount of 15% fewer points.
It’s hard work, but it’s worth it.
Should elite Business Caste
passengers like us have to scrabble and push to book a seat, you ask? Of course
not – however, the upward pressure of the "have-not’s" is undeniable.
Passengers trying to "up-caste" as we contemptuously call it are after our
seats. To obtain a Business Award seat these days we must book a year ahead and
are forced to fly into cold, unfriendly hubs like Zurich Airport where a cup of
coffee Singapore Airlines wouldn’t rinse their toilets with costs $A12. Of course we get 2 Krisflyer points per dollar for this brew .
Look with suspicion on other
people in the Business Class cabin because no matter how friendly or
like-minded they seem, they are predators in this jungle: they will do anything
to take your seat in the future. You must be faster and more ruthless than
they. I’ll bet Rupert Murdoch and Jerry fly Business Caste whenever they can.
In fact I heard Rupert will fly Business and put Jerry into Economy when he’s
short a few dollars. I don’t know about Charles and Camilla but she looks like
a Business Caste aficionado if I ever saw one.
Even the airline encourages this
frenzy. They cancel unused points after a year! To keep our points current we
book on as many Singapore Airlines flights as possible and go to places we
don’t want to visit, like Sarawak and Diego Garcia.
Recently we were introduced to
the legend of so-called First Class by a delusional man who claimed he was an
ex Business Caste passenger. First Class is a rumour, and not a very convincing
one. Anything better than Business Class – if that was actually possible -
would surely be called "Crown Jewels Class" or "Son of God Class "or "Paradise
Class."
What does have credence is the (unconfirmed) news that Singapore
Airlines will introduce an in-flight Olympic-size heated swimming pool for
Business Caste, plus a Steam Room and massagerie, plus a Barbeque suite where a
side of beef will be cooked for you by Hester Blumenthal in person.
Gone are our early flying days
when the dollar value of our luggage was higher than the fare we paid. Now all
we have to worry about is accidentally confronting an Economy Caste passenger
in a distant aisle. Remember to bring your hand sanitizer.
