It was yet another one of those strange days at the Royal Darwin Hospital. Fittingly enough , our man, Cyclops , a certified and registered one - eyed political reporter, above , attended to have an eye looked at . He arrived just after the mercury hit the highest temperature for 36 years to find the hospital on CODE YELLOW because of a power blackout which knocked out most of the lifts . Waiting outside the eye clinic was a real eye-opener in more ways than one .
As noted before , there were small triangular signs at the ceiling warning of asbestos above . But, noticed for the first time, were similar small signs stating that there was asbestos in the vinyl on the floor . A poor old codger , in a wheelchair, wearing hospital pyjamas , sat waiting and coughing outside the eye clinic. A person who knew him came along and asked him what he was doing . He replied that he was waiting to go into the clinic , but it had taken two and half hours to get down because the lifts were not working.
A large blowfly then made a dramatic entrance ; it crawled up and down the wall , flew into the clinic reception office, ran along the partition without any of the four people in there noticing it , then , for some strange reason , possibly body odour ? , dive bombed Cyclops and disappeared down the corridor.
Gazing about the corridor, Cyclops spotted what looked like thick black mould on one of the grubby- looking ceiling tiles opposite the eye clinic reception and the adjoining pre admission area. On the notice board were the usual health leaflets that you would expect covering matters related to eyes and patient rights , plus a few other puzzling ones . There was one , with prices, for Lisa’s Beauty (waxing and massage ) and an advertisement for a used Pajero. A rather frightening poster seemed to imply you could pass on an eye disease which could make your nearest and dearest look like the Pinocchio family with elongated noses . Is this some kind of glaucoma mutation that has been kept secret ?
From time to time , announcements were made over the PA about the Code Yellow situation : one lift was working ; the engineer had traced the problem to a switchboard ; all power had been restored to the main wards block...all lights went out for a few seconds, there were cheers. A pregnant woman had to work down eight flights of stairs , according to one report .
Cyclops experienced another power outage on a previous, recent visit to RDH .On that occasion he obtained an unexpected starring role in the horror movie BIRTH OF FRANKENSTEIN ... and could not help laughing. Apart from obviously missing a few marbles, there was no bolt through his neck . He ventured to RDH to have a barium enema ,clad in a skimpy hospital gown , and scanned in 57 positions ; time and time again he was instructed to roll over as if on a rotisserie , in the process exposing his unsightly derriere – not his best profile ( hopefully staff get danger money on such occasions) . It was decided to shoot him from below , standing erect , the platform elevated . Wrapped in the flimsy hospital gown , he was standing up there, coyly, like David, in all his glory, watched by no less than five female members of staff .
The machine suddenly went clunk! There he was , on high, the capsule not responding to NASA control . He could be lost in space , floating about with the Red Dwarf for the rest of his days , his wife keeping watch with binoculars on clear nights , every Leap Year . Cables were checked , he was told to hang onto the side , and two of the staff were instructed to stand in front of him in case he collapsed like a deckchair or had the mad desire to dive into the mosh pit . Somebody went out of the theatre to try and find out why the scanner had ground to a halt. The Russians may have been alerted to crank up a spare Sputnik rocket to rescue him . The message came through that there had been a power surge in Darwin . Eventually, he was brought back to terra firma and soon after deposited some Moon rocks in a nearby closet .
Then , on another visit to RDH, Cyclops was involved in another incident . It was announced over the PA that there was a fire and doors were being shut . A wise Aboriginal woman asked if it was just another exercise or a real fire . A large security man was seen dashing out the front door, so it looked as if it was the genuine article . There was talk of something having happened on the fourth floor . No smoke could be seen . Quite some time later, the rotund security man hove into view again followed by fireman and opened up a lift. A patient voiced the opinion that you were not supposed to use lifts in a fire , so took to the stairs .
MEMO NEW HOSPITAL BOARD : Arm the eye clinic with a cheap fly swatter ; clean those dirty looking ceilings and examine the mould which may be breeding penicillin or Golden Staph. There are many systems within the hospital which need eyeballing .
