Not before time, ABC general manager Mark Scott has banned all staff from sniffing bicycle seats. This drastic step follows the revelation by the outstanding radio personality , Alan Jones ,affectionately nicknamed The Parrot , that ABC staff , once regarded as refined ,God –fearing individuals, now sniff the seats of Malvern Stars, like cocaine addicts , and make scurrilous attacks on honourable people. Media Watch staff, especially its leering presenter , Jonathan Holmes , were called snifters and other cads by Jones.
Readers will recall that Jones was unable to ride a bicycle for months because of a painful and worrying prostate operation which prevented him from going to the studio, sitting on a soft goose feather pillow, and showering listeners with words of wisdom. Former Prime Minister, John Howard, a veteran 10- day penny farthing rider , felt so sorry for Jones after his operation that he sent him a Michelin puncture kit to help him get back on the road.
Jones was overwhelmed by the number of well wishers who sent him get well quick messages and cards during his inner tube patch up ordeal. A kind letter from Jennie George with a recipe for Greek yoghurt brought tears to his eyes as he recovered in his private velodrome , flat on his back , his racing gear going rusty .
Readers will recall that Jones was unable to ride a bicycle for months because of a painful and worrying prostate operation which prevented him from going to the studio, sitting on a soft goose feather pillow, and showering listeners with words of wisdom. Former Prime Minister, John Howard, a veteran 10- day penny farthing rider , felt so sorry for Jones after his operation that he sent him a Michelin puncture kit to help him get back on the road.
Jones was overwhelmed by the number of well wishers who sent him get well quick messages and cards during his inner tube patch up ordeal. A kind letter from Jennie George with a recipe for Greek yoghurt brought tears to his eyes as he recovered in his private velodrome , flat on his back , his racing gear going rusty .
Recently Jones looked extremely fit when seen with the pop-eyed global warming sceptic, Lord Monckton. His lordship's bulging optics are thought to be due to the nasty accident he had while taking Maggie Thatcher for a ride on a bicycle built for two and the chain broke on a steep incline . As he was not wearing an ermine lined cricket box at the time, he did himself a mischief. His condition did not improve when the Iron Maiden tried to give him the kiss of life as he writhed about in agony.
Because Alan Jones is a true blue Liberal, he has warned Opposition Leader Tony Abbott not to leave his bicycle out overnight for close inspection by those nasally twisted ABC reporters. The Mad Monk acted on this sound advice, and has a Darwin dingo trap cunningly concealed in the seat of his bike when it is not in use. It is to be hoped he remembers to remove the powerful trap before he next throws a leg over the seat , or else his Budgies may need the prompt attention of Rolf Harris and Animal Rescue. The after hours emergency telephone number for the plastic surgeon friend of Jackie Collins may also be required.
