Fitted out like a luxurious maharaja's floating harem , the converted and aptly renamed Indian bumboat , SS Aussie Suckers, is secretly steaming towards Townsville with a Bollywood surprise for the dehydrated , ranting Queen City of the North .
Its precious cargo consists of the world's only herd of singing elephants , the proud property of the Nizam of Chortlepugger , who has 400 solar powered wives in his harem , serviced by an Elon Musk Tesla storage battery bigger than that planned for South Australia .
The pampered elephants have a vast repertoire of songs, from God Save the Queen , Annie Laurie , Old King Cole to Not Tonight Josephine (Number 57) .
The scurrilous newspaper, News of the World , now rightfully defunct, once revealed that the visiting prominent British aristocrat , Lady Addle , was invited to come up and see the bow-legged Nizam and his crooning elephants and ended up grabbed , stripped, given a sulphur bath , rubbed all over with sacred frog oil , her eyes and ears dyed , her hair dipped in scented camel's milk , her finger and toe-nails painted a vulgar red .
Luckily , her screams were heard and she was rescued by the chief eunuch , who apologised , said she had been mistaken for one of the new batch of wives that had arrived the day before and were ordered to be ready by six the next evening .
No doubt poor Lady Addle would have been capable of defending herself from any attempted Kama Sutra in the mix up as she confessed to having once bitten a policeman in her enthusiasm for women's suffrage .
Upon arrival in Townsville , the seasick elephants, trumpeting in agony , will be met at the wharf by the entire Townsville City Council , a brass band and a huge anti Adani coalmine squad , none of which , unfortunately, intending to chain themselves naked to the entrance to the Tobruk Swimming Pool entrance gate .
Caparisoned in purple and gold , the by now groggy , scared creatures , will be paraded in disarray along The Strand , just like the Cowboys. Spectators are advised to wear raincoats and sou'westers when they rush down to the waterfront to see the pachyderms because if the unwell animals chunder or break wind in musical unison there could be an event of deafening tsunami proportions.
Caparisoned in purple and gold , the by now groggy , scared creatures , will be paraded in disarray along The Strand , just like the Cowboys. Spectators are advised to wear raincoats and sou'westers when they rush down to the waterfront to see the pachyderms because if the unwell animals chunder or break wind in musical unison there could be an event of deafening tsunami proportions.
Once the elephants gain their land legs , there will be a beaut photo opportunity when they will demonstrate another of their skills - body massaging people with their huge feet . Irate ratepayers , rightly furious over the Townsville Council giving $18.5million to Adani , are eagerly drawing up a list of mugwumps who should be subjected to an unforgettable full body massage by an angry rogue elephant or three .
