DEATH DEFYING STUNT TO FILLET FISHY PETER BEATTIE

In a brilliant  move  to  neutralise  the  impact  of   former  Queensland  premier  Peter  Beattie  entering the  election  swim, Tony  Abbott  has  announced  he  will  dive  into  an  aquarium  tank  filled with  man- eating white pointer sharks .  It is understood  the brave  Tory  leader  will  wear    budgie  smugglers   doused  in shark  repellent  to  protect  his  vitals  from  a   full  frontal  attack .    Diver  Dan today  warned  Abbott  to also  watch out  for  killer crown of thorns  starfish  which could  suck  out  his  brain  pan  if they  latch onto  his  foot  or that part of his anatomy  that he was prepared to give to the independents if  they  had  made him PM .  Peter  Beattie , described as  a  media tart  with  lashings  of  mock cream,  won  an election  by  scuba  diving   with   sharks .  A nervous  Abbott  daughter ,  biting  her  fingernails,  told  Little Darwin  this  could  be  the  last " Dad Moment ."