Saturday, July 13, 2013

LATERAL THINKING SOLVES UNIVERSITY LEAN CUISINE CUTS


 
Hungry turkey, nicknamed Joe Hockey, chasing emeritus professor on  a walking  stick  for his  Chiko  roll.
 
A  cash  strapped  Australian university  has  devised  brilliant ways  to  overcome  the   problem of  reduced  Federal  funding – regular  scrub  turkey  raffles  and  sly grog  running .  Leafy  James   Cook  University , Townsville ,  has  more  marauding  scrub  turkeys  on  campus   than  birds  in  an  Alfred  Hitchcock  horror movie . The   aggressive turkeys  grab paper  bags  containing  sandwiches  from  students,  relentlessly  chase fleeing  sausage rolls  ,  fight over  crumbs and  are  believed   to have   eaten    slow  moving  students  and  ones  who  have a  quick kip on the  grass after  a   late night  in  the  Flinders Street     nightclub  precinct.   Several  long - haired students   have  not  been  seen  in  class  for weeks  and  it  is  thought  they  were   waylaid   by   a  gang of  turkeys  and  pecked  to  pieces, their skeletons ending  up   in  the  School of  Medicine as cheap  teaching  aids .   

Other   missing  students  may   b e  stumbling  about  on  Magnetic  Island  after  a  full moon party .  The  uni  senate  has  muscled  in on  the  huge  home brew  society  started  by  an enterprising  student  and  slapped   a  tax on  the  vast quantities  of moonshine  it  produces.  Brandishing  a tommy gun ,   Eliot  Ness  and  The Untouchables  are  certain to raid the  university in the near  future . Meanwhile , scrub  turkey  raffles  are  proving  more  popular  than  regular  pub  chook   raffles  and   SBS  is  planning to  run  a 10-part    prime time series- 101 Ways to Cook  a   Scrub Turkey and   end  up   a  Doctor  of   Philosophy .