MYSTERY MONKEY ON DARWIN'S BACK

An avid reader of the Little Darwin blog who is a shining example of Charles Darwin’s revolutionary evolution theory – especially when he swings along the promenade of a salubrious Sydney seaside suburb - has drawn our attention to an article about the sickly naturalist in the Australian Doctor journal . Written by Dr Jim Leavesly , it highlights the fact that soon after Darwin,27, returned from his journey aboard the Beagle he suffered from lassitude , flatulence , abdominal pain and vomiting that reduced him to semi-invalidism throughout his life which baffled doctors.

It is now thought he suffered from Chagas Disease after being bitten by the Triatuma infestans bug in South America ; by the time he died, aged 73, our esteemed patron looked a haggard 90 year older . One of his daughters, Etty, came down with fever at the age of 13 and a doctor told her she should stay in bed until after breakfast. She followed this instruction religiously – having breakfast in bed for the remainder of her life, which spanned three score and 10.

COUNTRY LIBS STRIP FOR ACTION

Realising that wearing suits is making them look like moaning southerners ( spit) , the Country Liberals have decided to disrobe and go about like Mahatma Gandhi , the Indian leader of the self government movement .

From today, the CLP cross dressers will be clad in cotton Actil bedsheets and carry sticks with which to kill canetoads , belabour the Henderson Raj and keep at bay the Untouchables and Unspeakables in the local media . On special occasions, like a royal visit, the CLP fashionistas will wear velvet loincloths similar to the one worn by the famous swaggie who jumped into the billabong , got stomach and leg cramps , and drowned after turning a jumbuck into a tasty Mongolian hotpot.

HERE COME LE ROI AVEC CLOWNS

Buckling under pressure from the fashion conscious Country Liberals, Chief Minister Paul Henderson now wears ermine robes when he greets visiting heads of state at Darwin Airport.

Designed by Royalty’s fashion guru , Norman Hartnell, the splendid robes are similar to the gear worn by Prince Charles , as the Prince of Wales, when he declared fealty to his stayput mum in the grounds of a ruined castle. At the time he was wearing white stockings, fancy garters, robes made from the fur of six koala bears , a starched dicky , an ill- fitting crown stolen from the Tower of London , gold winkle picker shoes and a jewel -studded athletic support , while carrying an orb and sceptre .

Accompanied by a company of trumpeters to herald his presence , Chief Minister Henderson wore his stunning outfit for the first time when Jose Ramos Horta of Timor Leste passed through Darwin. Horta took one look at our resplendent Chief Minister and his impressive entourage, fell down laughing hysterically and was rushed to Royal Darwin Hospital emergency department where he is being treated with nitrous oxide.

CRAZY CLOBBER FOR COUNTRY LIBS

Little Darwin can reveal the Country Liberals are about to strut the cat and dog walks of Darwin in new stunning suits. Persil white in colour and made from durable canvas , they are worn back to front and have exceptionally long sleeves which enable wearers to drag their knuckles on the ground without getting blisters.

These same long sleeves can be gathered at the back and tied with brass buckles, thus immobilizing the wearer and making it easy to place the pollie in a padded cell. Trussed up in bondage fashion, the pollie can then undergo shock treatment : listening to never ending Legislative Assembly debates about the fabulous Territory lifestyle. Even with his hands tied behind his back , one member is expected to engage in lengthy FaceBook chats using his nose and tongue to punch the keys.

Southern advisers from the Liberal Party’s flirty tricks department have told the Country Party that Territorians are suckers for people who dress like door to door encyclopedia salesmen of yesteryear.

The Legislative Assembly bouncer, Madame Speaker , Jane Aagaard, will wear extremely dark glasses to prevent herself being blinded by the Opposition members in their dazzling new zoot suits, all looking like the gaudily- garbed American wrestler, Gorgeous George , who sprayed the ring with Chanel No. 5 before head - butting , kneeing and gouging opponents.

VIVA TRUE BLUE REPUBLIC !

High achiever Malcolm Turnbull may have failed in his glorious attempt to convert Australia into a republic but the Coalition he is currently leading is increasing looking and acting like a banana republic.

The former Shadow Treasurer caught a bad dose of bud sigatoka and suddenly headed off overseas for treatment. On the same day , without warning, the former admiral of the Coalition’s largest bumboat fell out of a coconut tree. Another leading plantation owner appears to be suffering from over- indulgence in fiscal betel nut and is in self - imposed isolation while he kicks the cat and the habit. Overnight , Harry Belafonte has been heard singing the banana boat song on a continuous tape in the Liberal Party jungle juice factory in a secluded spot near the Canberra Zoo.

Trying to keep the bunch of laissez faire Ming money mimics from slipping on a banana skin is a new hausfrau who will stand no monkey business, administering boarding school corporal punishment to offenders.

In between important betting tips for The Phantom, jungle tom toms tell of an imported 500lb gorilla who is expected to dominate future packing shed debates .

QUEENSLAND TONGUE TWISTER

For some odd reason, the ABC has a problem pronouncing the Queensland border town of Camooweal. One newsreader in particular makes it sound like a tea growing plantation in Darjeeling – Camomile? - or a version of the frilly undergarment , camisole .

It may have been due to a power surge at the Casuarina substation that caused Camooweal to came across on the brekky radio show as Camel’s Bile , which made this figure -conscious writer become queasy and desist eating his special K, also not wanting to be spat in the eye by a dromedary. Little Darwin fears that the repeated ABC bad- mouthing of Camooweal could cause its residents to become shirty , repeat shirty, and they might , with justification, slam the border gate shut and refuse to allow Afghan camel teams in and out of the Territory , severely disrupting the flow of food and commerce.

TAP DANCING TREAT FOR KATHERINE

Sophistication will break out in Katherine when the Academy of Tap Dancing throws open its doors. Chief Minister Paul Henderson will launch the centre next month in a bid to make Katherine residents feel happy , funky and loved by the NT Government.

No expense has been spared by the CM , a renowned tap dancer himself , as well as a certified U-bend mender. Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers have been hired to teach local yokels how to do the soft shoe shuffle down the main road to the public conveniences while the town band , conducted by Les MacFarlane , plays the Bombay Belly Waltz .

June Tapp wishes to make it known that the academy has not been named after her. “ There are two Ps in my name, not one,” she told Little Darwin’s Ballroom Dancing Reporter, "Stumbles " Mercurio, while doing her early morning rhumba exercises. Katherine residents are eager to sign up for a tap dancing course as they do a lot of singing in the rain dance routines after a night out on the town.