Shipping Reporter Exclusive
Renowned seafarer, Captain James Cook , today said he was appalled to learn that the annual Sealink Magnetic Island Race Week event had been called off on Tuesday due to choppy waves and strong winds.
The officials who made this decision , he declared, should be publicly flogged and have their supply of weevil infested sea biscuits and rum ration stopped.
"What kind of milksop sailors are you breeding in Australia ?" he asked ."Choppy waves and strong winds , goodness me, what next ? "
He mockingly said that if he knew he would encounter conditions like those off Magnetic Island ,which he had named , he would never have made any of his great voyages .
" God help Australia if the Spanish decide to invade you," he warned ."While there are obviously no great seadogs like( Francis ) Drake in Australia to come to your rescue , you do have a Goose or five at the helm of the ship of state, drifting towards the dangerous reefs near Cooktown at the next election . "
Captain Cook revealed that despite the popular belief that he is dead ,like Mark Twain, he is still alive and well , working for an acting agency in Sydney . He is often called in to appear as one of the mummified panel members ,male or female , on Sky television during which the ship's slops bucket is regularly poured over the ALP, the Greens , the Left , climate change is mocked , as is the wearing of masks in the pandemic . Other words of wisdom from Sky include the fact that a glass and a half of tar with a spoonful of Dr Al's hessian fibre prevents Covid-19 and overcomes constipation, dandruff , acne and bankruptcy.
In a further astounding revelation, Captain Cook told our Shipping Reporter he is going to star in the next ABC TV Shaun Micallef's Mad as Hell satirical series , in a new Barnacle Encrusted Wisdom of the Elderly segment.
In a single column report headed WILD WIND PUTS HALT TO RACING, the Murdoch Townsville Bulletin , without a photo, said the sailors had faced "heavy winds." Later on it was "big waves."
