From the Daily Drone , celebrating the great days of Fleet Street, London, composed by Robert Richardson to entertain troops at The Observer Christmas bash .
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Circa 1930s sub-editors , copy boy in seat at back .
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It was an ancient sub-editor and he stoppeth many libels,
Fowler's Modern English Usage and the
ODWE* were his bibles.
We met in the Bodoni Arms, it was his
favourite venue,
He sat alone, a pint in hand, and made
corrections to the menu.
"Pray tell me, master sub-editor,
your secrets and your tricks,
"How many prima donnas you have
saved from looking pricks."
He raised his head and gazed at me with a
piercing, bloodshot eye,
"'Twould be my pleasure, sir,"
he said, "but I am rather dry.
"A double brandy will suffice; it
helps soak up the ale,
"You get 'em in, then I'll begin to
tell my subbing tale."
I hastened to the bar and bought the
drink that he desired,
Convinced that what he told me would be
sober and inspired.
Returning to the table, I set the glass
within his reach
Then sat, a humble acolyte, as he
composed himself to speech.
"In the beginning was the word, but
which word we'll never learn
"Because a sub deleted it to avoid a
widow turn.
"And in the Gospel of St John, one
chapter seems too terse,
"Where the two-word sentence 'Jesus
wept' appears as just one verse.
"A sub-editor did that, my boy, and
I shall tell you why:
"He had to make a par somewhere 'cos
the text was one line shy.
"And so it goes, from age to age, in
every realm and land,
"You'll find the diligent
sub-editor, a style book in his hand.
"We guard our Mother English tongue,
keep her pure and unalloyed,
"Just see what dreadful things go
wrong when our talents aren't employed.
"We'd have asterisked out those
filthy words Lady Chatterley learnt from Mellors
"And if Dickens had but had a sub,
his books would be novellas.
"We know 'can' from 'may' and 'may'
from 'might',
"And never say 'less' when 'fewer'
is right,
"We punctuate punctiliously and are
alert for innuendoes,
"We can all spell 'desiccated' and
don't rise to crescendos.
"Of grammar and of syntax our
knowledge is formidable,
"Though frankly we don't give a toss
about an unstressed syllable.
"To denigrate the sub-editor is the
action of a moron,
"A word that very nearly rhymes with
that little twat Giles Coren.
"When it comes to writing headlines,
polysyllables we eschew,
"We have a taste for shorter words,
like 'mull' and 'ire' and 'rue'. "
"Your wisdom overwhelms me, no
counsel could be finer,
"But can you explain to me, I beg,
the role of the designer?"
"Don't speak to me of that
lot!" (He gathered spit - and spat),
"A paper needs designers like an
oyster needs a hat.
"Oh they'll draw you pretty pages,
you can't change them 'cos it's art,
"Then once you've made the copy fit,
they rip the thing apart.
"The reason why they do that is a
mystery to man,
"But I've a shrewd suspicion that
it's just to show they can."
I feared I had offended him, my question
had been crude,
But a treble double whisky put him in a
better mood.
"And tell me of your colleagues,
whose work is so essential,
"That I might dare approach them
with demeanour reverential."
"Right across Observer the subs are
brilliant, off the scale,
"The Times can only dream of such -
and fuck the Daily Mail.
"But even with such talents, sir,
once the story's in the queue
"And is eighty-six lines over, what
magic can you do?"
The old sub smiled and shook his head as
if he were amused
At meeting one so young and green and
easily confused.
"Nothing is writ that can't be cut,
that is the Subbing Law,
"Give me the Ten Commandments and
I'll trim them back to four.
"Thou shalt not miss the deadline,
or write in 'Subs please check',
"And if perchance you use a fact,
don't get it round your neck.
"But the first of all commandments
you must follow to the letter:
"However good your copy is, a sub
can make it better."
"And yet," I ventured
cautiously, "can what they say be true?
"I've heard tell that the management
wants to get rid of you."
'''Tis true," the gloomy sub
replied, now glugging down red wine,
"They got rid of the NGA, now we're
the next in line.
"But mark my words, young
journalist, the cup they drink is bitter,
"Mistakes will sprout like
dandelions and literals will litter.
"Comment it may still be free, but
faith in facts will shatter,
"Whatever garbage fills the space,
that's all that's going to matter.
"And there will come a day, I fear,
when one sub shall remain,
"Facing those damned accountants and
battling in vain.
"He'll stand astride the subs' desk
like that Dutch boy at the dyke,
"Until, professional to the last, he
falls upon his spike.
"And as those bastards stand and
jeer, a golden age shall cease,
"But not before his dying words:
'Has the lawyer seen this piece?'
"They'll bury him with honours, even
Murdoch will be there,
"FoC will read the Lesson, Rev
Indent will say the prayer.
"Good Spot will start the banging
out, as flags fly at half mast,
"A choir of solemn hacks will sing
'Oh Sub, our help in ages past'.
"And in the years that follow that
tragic last defeat
"You'll find the Tomb of Unknown Sub
in St Bride's upon the Street.
"On either side shall angels weep,
and proudly in between
"You will see a pencil, blue, crossed
with an eyeshade, green,
"And on Carerra marble, carved in
ninety-six point caps,
"You'll read subs' eternal question:
'Who wrote this piece of crap?'"
*ODWE=Oxford Dictionary for Writers and Editors .This post forwarded by Little Darwin's Chief Sub Editor , Kim Lockwood .
