Dragging a spear behind him, American-trained Moroccan monkey scuba diver learning the Australian crawl for manoeuvres in the croc infested Mitchell Street swampy bayou.
*********************************************************
WASHINGTON: A top secret American military squad , similar to the famous Navy Seals who knocked off Osama bin Laden , will be based in Darwin to protect the populace from marauding baby crocodiles which terrify the local media . It will consist of at least 2000 Moroccan monkeys armed with spearguns, all wearing Speedo budgie smugglers, like the Mad Monk .
As a member of the coalition of the willing ( and misled) in the Iraq invasion , Morocco , short on firepower , offered President George Dubya Bush the services of a whole troupe of performing monkeys. Fond of animals , the president made the monkeys his pet project , going under the code name Operation Prime Mates . He ordered the monkeys be driven in a fleet of stretch limos to a hush hush military base in North Carolina and armed with spearguns for swinging underwater action.
When Bush visited the base, with six shipping containers of Texan crushed nuts and banana flakes as Thanksgiving gifts , he received some disturbing news. It seems many of the simians , armed with spearguns, had gone AWOL.They were cavorting in nearby forests and breeding like rabbits. Drunk on moonshine they found in illegal stills , they began to terrorise the state
It was thought vice president Dick Cheney would be called in to cull the dangerous monkeys, but he was too busy taking potshots at his close friends with an AK-47.
A warning went out to all motorists heading for Disney Land not to stop at any public toilets in the North Carolina bush as they could be attacked by drunken feral monkeys, gorging themselves on bananas and randomly firing spearguns. This caused an outbreak of bladder infections and the Chinese ended up buying Disney Land for a song and a bag of fortune cookies way past their use by date .
On hearing that President Obama was going to visit Down Under Darwin, the terrified governor of North Carolina, with so many spears sticking in him that he looks all the world like a porcupine or a survivor of the Zulu Wars , obtained White House approval for all the dangerous monkeys to be rounded up, sedated and put aboard Air Force 1, disguised as the travelling media circus. They will be left behind in Darwin , go into residence in special cages being built at Robertson Barracks and Coonawarra . Extensive training and underwater mock attacks on made in China blow up crocs will be carried out in the city’s wave pool. All giggling fat ladies who regularly float about on inflated rubber tyres in the wave pool –like those jovial women in old saucy British seaside postcards- have been warned to take up line dancing or macramé once the jibbering Yanks take the plunge .
The monkeys will be under the command of Major Will Ferrell ,who famously carried out secret tests for the US Army on how to become invisible- enabling you to walk through walls- and how to kill goats just by glaring at them. Major Ferrell received 20 Purple Hearts for numerous facial injuries received attempting to dash through brick walls and another high decoration for the loss of three fingers, bitten off by a drunken billgoat who objected to being stared at in a nightclub frequented by Servicemen on R and R . Con the fruiterer has warned that the price of bananas will skyrocket in Darwin due to the huge demand for the fruit by the large American squad .
*********************************************************
WASHINGTON: A top secret American military squad , similar to the famous Navy Seals who knocked off Osama bin Laden , will be based in Darwin to protect the populace from marauding baby crocodiles which terrify the local media . It will consist of at least 2000 Moroccan monkeys armed with spearguns, all wearing Speedo budgie smugglers, like the Mad Monk .
As a member of the coalition of the willing ( and misled) in the Iraq invasion , Morocco , short on firepower , offered President George Dubya Bush the services of a whole troupe of performing monkeys. Fond of animals , the president made the monkeys his pet project , going under the code name Operation Prime Mates . He ordered the monkeys be driven in a fleet of stretch limos to a hush hush military base in North Carolina and armed with spearguns for swinging underwater action.
When Bush visited the base, with six shipping containers of Texan crushed nuts and banana flakes as Thanksgiving gifts , he received some disturbing news. It seems many of the simians , armed with spearguns, had gone AWOL.They were cavorting in nearby forests and breeding like rabbits. Drunk on moonshine they found in illegal stills , they began to terrorise the state
It was thought vice president Dick Cheney would be called in to cull the dangerous monkeys, but he was too busy taking potshots at his close friends with an AK-47.
A warning went out to all motorists heading for Disney Land not to stop at any public toilets in the North Carolina bush as they could be attacked by drunken feral monkeys, gorging themselves on bananas and randomly firing spearguns. This caused an outbreak of bladder infections and the Chinese ended up buying Disney Land for a song and a bag of fortune cookies way past their use by date .
On hearing that President Obama was going to visit Down Under Darwin, the terrified governor of North Carolina, with so many spears sticking in him that he looks all the world like a porcupine or a survivor of the Zulu Wars , obtained White House approval for all the dangerous monkeys to be rounded up, sedated and put aboard Air Force 1, disguised as the travelling media circus. They will be left behind in Darwin , go into residence in special cages being built at Robertson Barracks and Coonawarra . Extensive training and underwater mock attacks on made in China blow up crocs will be carried out in the city’s wave pool. All giggling fat ladies who regularly float about on inflated rubber tyres in the wave pool –like those jovial women in old saucy British seaside postcards- have been warned to take up line dancing or macramé once the jibbering Yanks take the plunge .
The monkeys will be under the command of Major Will Ferrell ,who famously carried out secret tests for the US Army on how to become invisible- enabling you to walk through walls- and how to kill goats just by glaring at them. Major Ferrell received 20 Purple Hearts for numerous facial injuries received attempting to dash through brick walls and another high decoration for the loss of three fingers, bitten off by a drunken billgoat who objected to being stared at in a nightclub frequented by Servicemen on R and R . Con the fruiterer has warned that the price of bananas will skyrocket in Darwin due to the huge demand for the fruit by the large American squad .
