There are sensational allegations this morning that Victorian detectives use brutal means to get confessions from gangland figures. It has been revealed that Carl Williams finally cracked after being force - fed shortbread for two years by the Puranha Squad . At the end of the torture he was suffering from scurvy and looked like a weevil - riddled ship’s biscuit on Captain Bligh’s HMS Pandora.
Puranha knew they had worn Williams down when he began to imitate a stool pigeon , flap his arms and screech ,“ Polly wants a shortbread cracker.” Many crims fled interstate and overseas to escape the inhuman treatment . However, a new breed of scumbags sprang up and it was rumoured that police were inserting shortbread under the fingernails of suspects. People said to be helping police in their investigations into gangland murders were often seen leaving police stations covered in biscuit crumbs- followed by pigeons, the growing number of street beggars and starving nude pensioners.
Former Police Commission , Christine Nixon , keen on Tim Tams and Monte Carlos , received a tip off about the use of shortbread and immediately issued instructions to seal all cookie tins in police canteens. Then, disguised as a tea lady, she raided Russell Street and found detectives - about to launch a raid on public enemies number 1 to 5 - filling their pockets with stale shortbread . The Victorian Police Association was tipped off about the suspicious tea lady who carried a truncheon and immediately sent out a cryptic message to all detectives : The party is over because the fat lady wants to send us to Sing Sing . Furthermore, the Association said all shortbread and other biscuits should be removed and replaced with sensitive, new age guy fairy floss.
FOOTNOTE : Strangely,the latest murder victim , Desmond " Tuppence " Moran , was known to slip racehorses tasty shortbread which made them perform like Phar Lap .
