AUSTRALIA BACKS CAPTAIN HOGWASH'S NEW WAR ; TENACIOUS ENEMY FINGERED

Trump   launches  Operation  Caddyshack

WASHINGTON: President  Trump  has  asked  Australia  to urgently   provide  a new  fiendish  weapon  for  an  all out  assault  on   a  group   which  threatens  to undermine  the   American way of  life  and  upset  those   doddering   members  of   the  US  Supreme  Court  still  able  to   hold   a   golf   club .

 The  terrible  weapon  is the  dreaded   CSIRO  K5  calicivirus   which  is wiping  out  a  new  breed of  super  bunnies  across  this  wide   brown  , scorched  land .  

The president   was so impressed by  initial   reports about  the  new Aussie  rabbit  exterminater , he   immediately  called the   Australian Prime Minister ,  Malcolm Truffles ,  on  the scrambled phone   and  asked him  if  it would  wipe out feral  gophers   which   dig holes in   the  Trump   chain  of   luxury  golfcourses . The  PM , standing at attention throughout the  call , assured him Australia has a  proud record of  being able to  quickly kill  any  critter  which  inhabits  the  land .   

 

Delighted at the  response, the president   said  he would   be  able  to fire his  chief  greenkeeper  , Carl Spackler , who had been unable to wipe out the  many  gopher  colonies  on  the Trump   courses , once the   virus  arrived .   It could also be used to destroy pesky squirrels .  Grumpy  old  judges , he  confided ,  who  play  golf , often  complained  about the  holes  dug by the rodents and  being  distracted  by  squirrels  when trying to sink a  money  winning  putt   ; one Supreme  Court    judge, who twisted  an ankle,  is  even  threatening  to  sue Trump for  the Tower .  

  

After the  conversation with Truffles ,  Trump, using  the above    secret  hand  signals ,  gave orders  for  the  Pentagon  to quickly   import vast  quantities   of   the rabbit    virus  from  Down  Under   in  a   bid  to  exterminate  all   the  gophers . Some of the  virus will be rushed   to Scotland  where  Trump is at war with local Highlanders  who oppose his   golfcourse  and give him the Brave Heart  mooning treatment  . Trump  insists  the American comedian  Samantha Bee, who sends him up regularly  is unpatriotic and  conspired  with   the  Scots  to   unleash singing  Welsh  rabbits  on  every  green , causing the resort  to make large  financial losses, which will entitle him  to  not pay tax  for  100 years .  She has retaliated  by  threatening  to  reveal  the  wee  tartan beastie   Donald  had  under  his kilt when  he was  having a  fling  in  Edinburgh .

MY ODD SHAPED YANKEE BOOMERANG WON'T COME BACK !

 In the words of the  1961 controversial song  by  Cockney  Charlie  Drake , will I be a  disgrace to  the  entire  Aborigine  race ?
 

Searching through   the  cluttered   contents  of  a dark  house   during  a   moving  sale in North  Queensland , a  soiled  book, instead of a  reptile or  spider  , jumped out  at  this  blogger  : The Boy Mechanic  700 Things  for  Boys to  Do . It is a Lindsay Publications  1988   reprint  of  the   1913   book  by  Popular Mechanics Press,  Chicago , original  copyright  by  H.H.Windsor .

Much to my delight , instructions   for   building boomerangs  were  found on  page 202 , contributed by  O. E. Tronnes , of Wilmette, Illinois , who informed  readers  : A boomerang is a  weapon  invented  and used  by  the  native  Australians, who seemed  to have the  least  intelligence of  any  race  of mankind .

(This   despite  the fact that   they seemed to have   mastered   aerodynamics  long before   the  Wright brothers  became airborne  for a   short time  and   aeons before  Boeing   got  off  the  ground.)

Instructions were  given  for  making  and  throwing   curved ,  T-shaped and  cross-shaped  boomerangs , all  of  which  should  be soaked  in  linseed  oil .

Another  surprise  in the book  was  a photograph   of the  annual regatta at  Port  Melbourne  , Australia .   This  copy was  ex libris  King Island District  School , off the  north-west coast of Tasmania , in the Roaring Forties , where a  boomerang of  any shape  launched into  the air could  be blown all  the way to the South Pole.

 

Instructions  for mechanically  minded  American boys covered  playing baseball  with a pocket knife,  building your own volcano ,  assorted  magic  tricks-including removing  36 cannon balls from  a handbag  , an explanation for why gun barrels burst,  imitation  weapons  and   armour , an electric postcard projector .

 

There was a nifty  device  for  keeping annoying  cats and dogs away  from garbage cans which involved  wrapped a bin  in  wire , connecting  it to an old telephone magneto,  cranked  to  give  an animal , especially that  annoying greyhound, the   electric  chair.


Boomerang  Dicordant  Discography

 There were several versions of  the  hit  song , one for the American  market  in which bringing down  the  Flying  Doctor   plane with a  boomerang  was  dropped .   Odd  sounding  Aborigines  used   a Red Indian expression , pow-wow. Dare it be mentioned Rolf   Harris did a  version . It  was   eventually judged  not politically correct , never to  be  played again  on  the  ABC.

ANOTHER GHOST FLEET SCOOP

Two  interesting ships, above, tied up in  surprisingly close proximity  in Townsville , as  usual ,   failed to  get a mention  in the  local  media . However,   our   alert  shipping  reporter , the only one in North Australia ,  was  paddling by  in  the office  coracle   and  discovered  a  most   unusual  story .

The  large Japanese   car  carrier  Pleiades Leader  is shown  just across the way from the Panama registered  livestock carrier  Jawan , Indian for a  soldier . Our  waterfront   reporter    discovered  that  Jawan  , a  former cargo ship,  had  a  number of  previous names- Maersk Westland ,  Dana  Gothia  , Charon J    and  Corvus  J.  Under the latter,  in  2012, it   impaled  the vehicle carrier   Baltic  Ice in  the North Sea  , which sank in 15 minutes ,with a loss of   11 lives .

After undergoing  conversion to  a  livestock carrier ,  it  sailed out of  the shipyard , now named   Jawan ,  into  Perth , Western Australia, in December   2015   to become  involved  in  the  trade .

The export of live cattle, we have pointed out , is a  lively  issue locally , people  for and against , the Townsville  abattoir   finding  it hard to keep operating ,   so  you would  think  the Murdoch  Townsville Bulletin  at least   would  have  noticed  that  another large  livestock  carrier  was  in  port . In  the  case of  the vehicle carrier, it is  highly likely  that it  disgorged   cars of various horsepower  for  Townsville and district-could  there  be  a  story here  , one  which  the advertising   car   companies  would   appreciate ?  

HANGING OUT THE WASHING ON THE CORAL SEA LINE , WHITER THAN WHITE REEF

Snapped surging  away from  Townsville in the direction of  the  boiling   Great Barrier Reef  is  the  twin   hulled  spin dryer , Coconut Telegraph,   semaphoring   that  it  is  escaping   humdrum  domestic  life  on  land   by  displaying  a  variety of   washing on  the   bridge deck...trousers , shirts , shorts , possibly even  unmentionables...Mad Monk Budgie Smugglers? Little Darwin's  shipping roundsman ,  the only one in North Australia, who we suspect is  wanted by Interpol  for  snowdropping , provided   a   series  of    photos  of   the ocean  going   laundry , including   the  close  up  below .  

TROPICAL MOON TRACERY

DONALD TRUMP'S SECRET HAND LANGUAGE EXPOSED

World   Scoop  which   will   help   the  CIA 

Imitating a  frisky  Yeti  on a  bad  hair  day  during the  Himalayan  mating  season .

 Frantic  body language  experts  in  spy centres around  the  world , including the  CIA,  are  experiencing extreme  difficulty trying   to  crack  the  numerous  hand  gestures   of   the  fake  fakir of  Pennsylvania Avenue , US President  Donald  J. (for J-Curve )  Trump . However  , with  the kind  assistance of  Wikileaks   founder   Julian   Assange  and  Trump Tower  leakers , we  can  reveal  the  secret  meanings   of   Donald's  wandering  , sweaty  hands.

A  finger  lickin' artist  was    enlisted  to  help explain  the  George  Washington   Masonic-like   hand  gestures   of   the   prez,  using  much  younger  looking  male and female  presidential  figures .  The  first example  , shown below, is  Trump's  way  of   asking the  leading  question : What's new, pussycat ?

In  another , he shows his stated  deep respect for women  by  indicating  God is female ,  a  hard  act  for  Arnie   to   beat .

 

Trump's  digital representation of  Australia, below ,   leaves no doubt that we are the  Land Down  Under , being well and  truly  forked  .  In  fact ,  he uses the same   gesture  when  sniggering  about   that  strange place  called Austria , where , he tells   his Oval  Office inner  circle ,  the   men  wear  red leather shorts  , called Budgie  Smugglers,  slap   each  other  on the back , and  address   each  other  as   mate , cobber  or  boofhead . 



Soviet splish, splash 

The president , we are  informed  by insiders  ,  often   issues  a  warning   to American tourists , diplomats  and businessmen to always carry an  umbrella when  visiting   Russia  because  of  the  frequent showers  experienced  in Moscow. Angry  President  Putin  responded   to   this provocative statement by saying  the  showers   are  the   best  in  the world , designed by Faberge no less . Furthermore,  he  said President Trump , supposed to be the most powerful man in the world ,  is a sook  and should  keep his hands  in  his pockets   and  wear  a poncho  and   gumboots  if  he  is   afraid  of  dancing in the rain  with  April Showers  and  her cuddly  babushka   friends .  

 It comes as no surprise that  President Trump's   frequent sign language for  Mexico   gives the impression of  the fortified  border  between  North  and  South Korea.

Next  fickle fingers of fate   instalment   will  contain  terrifying news for American  Caddyshack   rodents .  

RAMIFICATIONS OF WESTERN AUSTRALIA ELECTION : TURNBULL FACING SEA VOYAGE

Nasty  flockers

SYDNEY :  Colonial  history  seems   about   to  be   repeated  as  ruthless  Liberal Party  faction leaders ,   known as the Rum Corps , two  evil looking members right , are   already   holding  emergency  secret talks  to decide the  fate  of   Malcolm   Bligh  Turnbull . According  to a scurvy  informant in  a  Parramatta  wayside  inn ,   the  Rum Corps  plans to  storm Kirribilli House   during  the  night  and  drag the PM  out  from  under  his  bed  like   Captain  William  Bligh  when  he  was   governor of  the  NSW penal colony   from 1806-1808. Then  the lacklustre   PM , with all  his possessions  loaded  aboard a  fleet of   leaky Manly ferries , will  be   pushed off  in  the  direction  of  the  Caribbean  with  a  one  way ticket , while the power mad  Rum Corps gets drunk on  the  trendy  new grog  made  from  crushed  Northern Territory  green  ants  .

In  recent weeks  the  PM  has  been showing signs that he  knows  his troops  are plotting  against  him , yet he  adopted a   brave  stance , like a   true blue  naval captain on  a  burning deck .  He  projected  the  image  of  Captain  Bountiful , a   famous old , toothless  seadog , with  one leg , one arm , one  testicle ,  one  pet  parrot   and  Lady Hamilton's  vital  statistics  tattooed  on  his  much nibbled  seabiscuit  , who fought alongside Lord Nelson   at   the  historic  Battle of   Brexit   where the  Froggies   had   their  smelly  cheese  caskets  riddled  with  best  British   grapeshot .