Thursday, March 16, 2017

AUSTRALIA BACKS CAPTAIN HOGWASH'S NEW WAR ; TENACIOUS ENEMY FINGERED

Trump   launches  Operation  Caddyshack

WASHINGTON: President  Trump  has  asked  Australia  to urgently   provide  a new  fiendish  weapon  for  an  all out  assault  on   a  group   which  threatens  to undermine  the   American way of  life  and  upset  those   doddering   members  of   the  US  Supreme  Court  still  able  to   hold   a   golf   club .

 The  terrible  weapon  is the  dreaded   CSIRO  K5  calicivirus   which  is wiping  out  a  new  breed of  super  bunnies  across  this  wide   brown  , scorched  land .  

The president   was so impressed by  initial   reports about  the  new Aussie  rabbit  exterminater , he   immediately  called the   Australian Prime Minister ,  Malcolm Truffles ,  on  the scrambled phone   and  asked him  if  it would  wipe out feral  gophers   which   dig holes in   the  Trump   chain  of   luxury  golfcourses . The  PM , standing at attention throughout the  call , assured him Australia has a  proud record of  being able to  quickly kill  any  critter  which  inhabits  the  land .   
 
Delighted at the  response, the president   said  he would   be  able  to fire his  chief  greenkeeper  , Carl Spackler , who had been unable to wipe out the  many  gopher  colonies  on  the Trump   courses , once the   virus  arrived .   It could also be used to destroy pesky squirrels .  Grumpy  old  judges , he  confided ,  who  play  golf , often  complained  about the  holes  dug by the rodents and  being  distracted  by  squirrels  when trying to sink a  money  winning  putt   ; one Supreme  Court    judge, who twisted  an ankle,  is  even  threatening  to  sue Trump for  the Tower .  
  
After the  conversation with Truffles ,  Trump, using  the above    secret  hand  signals ,  gave orders  for  the  Pentagon  to quickly   import vast  quantities   of   the rabbit    virus  from  Down  Under   in  a   bid  to  exterminate  all   the  gophers . Some of the  virus will be rushed   to Scotland  where  Trump is at war with local Highlanders  who oppose his   golfcourse  and give him the Brave Heart  mooning treatment  . Trump  insists  the American comedian  Samantha Bee, who sends him up regularly  is unpatriotic and  conspired  with   the  Scots  to   unleash singing  Welsh  rabbits  on  every  green , causing the resort  to make large  financial losses, which will entitle him  to  not pay tax  for  100 years .  She has retaliated  by  threatening  to  reveal  the  wee  tartan beastie   Donald  had  under  his kilt when  he was  having a  fling  in  Edinburgh .