SHOCK NEW TERRITORY POLITICAL PARTY HAS HAIR RAISING PLAN

A daring new political party has been secretly drawing up plans to contest the next NT election . It has a most unusual name : the Curvaceous Lip Party (CLP) . And its trump card will be a team of bearded female candidates like the refined ladies in the Pommie comedy show , Little Britain . It firmly believes this strategy will reduce the Country Liberals and the ALP to a mere whisker . Before the recent election the ALP sported a beard like Santa but now has a closely cropped pudding basin haircut. On the other hand , the Country Libs are bouffant and aggressive as Aunty Jack.

The Curvaceous Lip Party is so determined to win it will try anything - even follicly endowed women . Secret polling carried out for the CLP revealed that most Territory men , of all political persuasions , have wild fantasies about femmes avec beaucoup de beaver.

The extensive survey involved mild mannered drinkers at the Humpty Doo Pub, the Discovery nightclub , the Mitchell Street open air biff parlour , the Vic Hotel, long grass speakeasies , the Noonamah Frog Hospital, Tennant Creek’s famous pubs with no beer and the Alice Springs YWCA.

Curvaceous Lip Party spokesman , Lady Sunbeam, looking particularly smooth after a Full Monty body wax , became hairy with reporters when interrogated about the strategy of this outrageous party at a media conference in the popular Throb nightclub. As everybody knows, Throb is a popular rendezvous for political activists . Its Michelin rated menu includes pickled rarebit which is popular with Darwin’s numerous Welsh heterosexuals.

At first, Lady Sunbeam angrily stated that the astonishing survey findings were confidential, but later admitted that comely female candidates with an abundance of facial hair will lead the CLP grab for power. These candidates will wear stunning dresses like the refined ladies in Little Britain, but modified because of the Territory’s sweaty conditions. The elaborate gowns of the gentile Little Britain women would lead to an outbreak of prickly heat in most uncomfortable places, Lady Sunbeam explained to drongo male reporters.

Like those cute sheilas in Little Britain , they will drink from Royal Doulton beer mugs with handpainted periwinkle handles and nibble Lebanese cucumber sandwiches while mixing with leering , thong - wearing, hairy - chested voters at fund raising soirees . Lady Sunbeam urged all patriotic bewhiskered women to come to the aid of the party. Women who only sport hairy armpits are not wanted by the CLP, unless they engage in a crash course of fourex strength hormones.

With slight modifications , she revealed the giant moustache hung from the Legislative Assembly during the MOVEMBER fund raising campaign will become the CLP’s election logo. The Curvaceous Lip Party will inject much needed new life into the body politic, especially on Facebook , and cause a boom in the hairdressing industry. As part of its campaign to win community support , it will sponsor a tonsorial art exhibition in the new Darwin conference centre each leap year. FRINGE ATTACK : The ALP called in dirty tricks strategist Hirsute Harry to combat the Curvaceous crowd . He immediately slipped into a cone of silence - and emerged as the Man From Pantene , his hair in rollers and wearing pink , fluffy slippers – the ALP answer to women with fungus features.

REBORN COSTELLO HEADS FOR DARKEST AFRICA

To atone for his smirking life in politics , former treasurer Peter Costello has had a Damascene conversion and will become a missionary in the strife- torn Congo . In a blinding flash of light during a post-mortem in his Higgins electorate office, Costello heard Kerry Packer calling him from Cloud Nine . Packer told him to go forth and help the unwashed heathens in third world countries who have little food , are constantly threatened by disease and war and, worst of all, deprived of neighbourhood casinos with wall to wall ATMs . Having been a long - haired Social Democrat in his younger days, the man born to be king of the Coalition immediately vowed to don sack cloth and join his brother Tim helping the needy .

Many Africans took fright on hearing the news , jumped into leaky boats and headed to Australia , seeking refuge. In Africa Costello will lead a humble life, live in a mud hut and dine on imported Tasmanian possum and the occasional drop of cooking sherry . Container loads of his unsold memoirs will be fed to starving termites who will willingly convert to Christianity .

SCOOP! SCOOP! SCOOP! NEXT ADMINISTRATOR WILL CURL THE MO

Famous surrealist artist Salvador Dali will be the next Administrator after thespian Tom Pauling. Dali was sounded out for the post when Chief Minister Clare Martin was in Spain selling the famous Territory lifestyle to Spaniards who are being driven mad by hordes of tourists and international property speculators , some of the latter members of the Darwin law fraternity. The eccentric artist had not been seen for decades and it was widely believed he had been living the life of a recluse in an Andalusian coffin covered in emasculated bullfighters’ graffiti.

However , he was so inspired by a newspaper article extolling the NT lifestyle that he came out of hiding and gave the Chief Minister a rare audience. He even waxed his impressive moustache for the occasion and wore a crisp new undertaker’s suit. Dali is understood to have assured the CM he could be just as entertaining as Ted Egan and the present encumbent , Tom Pauling. The artist said Spain is overrun by rich Germans and odd Pommies wanting to start worm farms and other dreary ventures.

Darwin, with its towering wet season thunderclouds , bushfires, yapping dogs , mad drivers , yuppie crocodiles and punchy citizens sounded like a cross between the Inquisition and the Spanish civil war. He confidentally stated he could cope with anything the Territory might throw at him if he took up the Government House job . Cane toads would pose no problem because he would beat them to a pulp with his cane and roast them on the barbie . As an added inducement to appoint him the next Administrator, Dali said he would fill Government House with several of his surrealist Mae West lounges if given the appointment.

TERRITORY COPPERS GET THE HUMP

An American solution has been found to the acute shortage of police in the Northern Territory : camels! Yes, ugly looking dromedaries . An increasing number of American law enforcement agencies have been signing on plodding camels. The camels are proving to be more intelligent than your average Yankee copper and several have already been promoted to senior positions. One camel was even placed on guard duty in the White House rose garden but was moved after he ate all the Peace roses and crapped on the president’s rostrum . Little Darwin can exclusively reveal today that 10 camels will take up duty in Alice Springs next week. They will arrive in a chauffeur driven stretch limo and after being put through a car wash will be lodged in high rollers suites at the casino for the first month in the Alice.
The camel coppers will spearhead a zero tolerance drive against crime in the town. They have been instructed to spit in the eye of troublemakers, eat all dope crops and bite the ears and hands of people who just look suspicious in the Mall . Two camels on Harleys will run an American style highway north and south from Alice. Each one will be armed with Dirty Harry specials and shoot out the tyres of speeding truckies and other dingbats who believe you should be able travel at the speed of sound on the highway.
Camels do not cost as much as human police officers and this will release funds so that the government can subsidise more large mining companies and tax dodging ventures.