TOWNSVILLE TROJAN HORSES

Looking  like decapitated Trojan horses , these cranes symbolise the difference  between the Newman Government , which wants to  lease the ports of Townsville and  Gladstone , while  the  ALP wants them  to remain  as  state  assets. 

In  this  Trojan War  the LNP  urges  the  voters  of   Townsville  to  let  its   nags full of   hidden  treasures-really economic cutthroats- inside  the  city  and  the  bookies  will  look  after  the  community . Like  Helen of Troy,  ALP Leader, Annastacia Palaszczuk,  warns  against  the   abduction  of  the  ports  by  slash and burn   geeks saying  it  will  lead  to  the  destruction of  jobs .  
 

 

Annastacia spoke  against  leasing  the  port and the local power  utility  at  the  above  rally in Townsville.  With  her  were  the  candidates  for  the  three  Townsville  seats-Scott Stewart  (Townsville ), Coralee O'Rourke (Mundingburra)  and Aaron  Harper  (Thuringowa ).  A speaker  at  the rally stated the   Newman government had already  paid  $90million  to  consultants  planning  asset stripping and a further $20million  had  been  spent  on  the  advertising  campaign. 

Clive Palmer has added  fuel to the debate about Queensland asset stripping  by saying  that Chinese  interests are planning to take over the power supply  in  Queensland  and  NSW, specifically saying  that if  the Newman Government is  re-elected  the Chinese will move in  on  the state's  power  assets . He branded it a  national disgrace . Premier  Campbell Newman  has  just responded by limply  saying  any such  move  would  be  subject  to  the  Foreign  Investment  Review  Board.

Preparing  for the  ALP  anti asset  stripping rally in Townsville .

 

AUSTRALIAN AVIATION MYSTERY INVOLVES BOGUS SKIPPY

An  object  in the superb British TV  Antiques  Roadshow  caused old  Cyclops to leap out of his recliner like a colt  and rush  to the  den  to  search through the  jumbled  files for a manuscript, Books , Brothels and  Bombay Bloomers , an odd memoir, containing  diverse   information about a wide range of subjects  . The fascinating object  on the screen   was  the  above  souvenir  brought back to England  from Australia  by  the first woman to fly solo to Australia , Amy Johnson (1904-41), consisting of  a metal   kangaroo  on  a plinth  with  an attached inscribed  presentation  boomerang  from  the West  Brighton  Club,Victoria,  in 1930.

Over the years ,Cyclops has been gathering items about  early aviators, one of them Amy Johnson, who  passed  through Darwin, the aerial  gateway to Australia .  One   unusual piece in  the collection  is  the advertisement  for  Parker  Shoes which  Amy endorsed  in  the South Australian Gas Company journal ...hard to imagine  her  flying a primitive , bucking plane in  a pair of high  heels. 

 

 Flying on to  Sydney ,  Amy  received a rousing welcome and was escorted by  women  dressed  as  pilots , complete with helmets, goggles, ties and jodhpurs. In Adelaide she was escorted by  women  on  motorbikes .

 

A  song was composed  about  her by Albert Beckman  entitled La Aviatrix-Recherche Dance and Song-An Epic Flight  in Terpsichore. The lyrics referred to her as "Johnny" who flew  from  her mum's nest so far away, saw Brisbane's million pound town hall,the Sydney Harbour, landed at Flemington where the horses race, and flew  high over Adelaide to miss the many church steeples. Furthermore , "Yanks" reportedly  described   the  aviatrix as "cute."

The Antiques Roadshow  audience was  told  Amy Johnson had presented the souvenir  to  a man who had been  closely involved  in her flying adventures  . And  it was  not  known  why the  West  Brighton Club  presented her with  the  gift.  The  expert evaluating the  object  said it was not  an  Australian  made  kangaroo, which  made it  more valuable.

 

Newspaper accounts  of Amy Johnson's time in Victoria  speak of her being given  a royal reception, parading before 1000 schoolchildren . There is a photograph of her  rugged up at a war memorial in Western Australia wearing what could be high heels.  An odd snippet  appeared in the Northern Territory Times of  December 19,1930, under the heading  AMY JOHNSON:  It is reported Miss Amy Johnson has suffered a  severe  mental breakdown and is now in a mental nursing home .

 

During WWll, Amy Johnson , in the  Air Transport Auxiliary , drowned  ferrying an RAF plane  which ran out of  fuel in bad weather  and she bailed out  in bitterly cold  conditions, swept  away  in the sea from  a  would  be  rescuer, her  body never  recovered .

RARE QUEENSLAND STRAY CAT TURNS UP IN FAR AWAY VICTORIA

Spooked and
exhausted  pussy

A highly expensive, articulated wooden cat  bought at a Townsville , Queensland , old wares  fair  has  turned  up licking  latte  in a  trendy area  of  Melbourne after  somehow  travelling all  that way in a few days. It is believed that the cute  Mundingburra moggie  took  fright at all  the  noisy  LNP political advertisements, full of exploding  fireworks,  on  TV   in  Townsville   and   bolted.  The RSPCA  says  thousands of  cats and  dogs have vanished in  Queensland since Premier Newman announced the  early  election  and came out howling like a werewolf.  A  bit sore  in  the joints , the feline  marathon  runner , called  Woodie, was  found by a nice Vic couple  who  wear  watermelons  on  their  heads  and  tattoo  pet  frogs for  Lygon  Street  weirdos .  

FEAR AND LOATHING ON THE SPIRIT OF QUEENSLAND

Exclusive election  coverage by Gonzo journalist  Hunter S. Thompson. Contrary to exaggerated media reports, Thompson, like Elvis Presley ,  lives  and  has come to Queensland  at  the  start of a journey  to get  at   the heart of the Sunshine State  sell  off  nightmare to  give it  his    famous FEAR AND LOATHING  ON  THE  CAMPAIGN  TRAIL  treatment .

 

BRISBANE : Before I boarded  the CIA  flight to Australia  , my old  bikie buddies in Hell’s Angels  , about whom I wrote a  book, warn  me  that  Australia  is now in the  hands of  the  corporate mobsters  who wear  suits, blue ties , smoke cigars , and  don’t  pay taxes , while the bulk of  the    stiffs  are  squeezed so much they sound  like  Hollywood  Championship  Wrestling  grunters .   

There are  regular  CIA  flights  into any country which plans to exercise democracy  and  vote , especially in countries  which grow  a heap of  bananas, like Queensland . Remember the  poor hombres south of the US border,down Guatemala way, in debt slavery working for the American United  Fruit Company ,  who kicked out a  dictator, set up a democratic regime ,  and  the CIA moved in and  organised  a military  uprising ,  people were massacred, and another  dictator was installed.  Such is the American  Dream  . And of  course , it is widely  believed  that  the  CIA  got  rid  of  Gough Whitlam when he was the enlightened  top  banana  in  Australia . 

I spent a lot of time in the newspaper morgue in Aspen, Colorado , abusing neo Fascists and   boning up  on  the  Queensland election scene, reading  the dreary Queensland  newspapers, seemingly written  by  graduates  from the Kardashian School of Journalism.    My usual travelling  companion, the Samoan Attorney , could not come along for the trip because he has  been hired to represent  a large  number of the Samoan  ruling  elite on corruption  charges , many of them relatives . Walt Disney  considered  carrying my  grog and medication  esky on this expedition , but said he thought the Queensland   weather  would  be too hot  and  cause him  to thaw. 

Through research I decided  to jet into Bris Vegas and catch the new train on the run  north  which has   apparently replaced  something  called the tilt train  because the old  rattler caused  cups  of  coffee and hot sausage  rolls to  tip onto the laps of  passengers , resulting  in  expensive  legal  class  actions.

 While  being driven  from  the Brisbane  airport by  a nervous  posse from the   Australian Federal Police, some with riot shields  and tasers, I wonder if  the Cuban missile crisis  has  been resurrected by the  warmongering  Republican whackos  while  I am  asleep in  the  air  as  I notice  what appears to be  a giant underground   nuclear bomb  shelter  being  dug  all  the way to  China . 

 

A cop holding back a  growling  Rottweiler,  which wants to  share my  complimentary, inflight CIA   hamburger , tells  me  the  local governor is some  dude who   goes  under the  drinking   monicker of  Canadian Dry  Newman  and  has  this  hang up  about building  huge  tunnels. I wonder  if  this  Newman cookie  wants  to corner the  lucrative  mushroom growing  market  or   is  related  to US Air Force General Curtis E. LeMay  who  was  keen to  nuke  North Vietnam .  I  bombed  out  of   service  in  the  US  Air  Force myself after an incident involving a  wine bottle throwing episode  in a  guardhouse .   

Pointing  his  can of  mace  at me , the AFP officer  informs me   Queensland’s  hero is some guy called King Wally . King Wally? What has happened to this great south land? The last time I was in Australia  and addressed  the stunned  National Press Club in Canberra  I  thought the country   was  on the path to  become  a republic.  But now people bow down  to some  joker  , I am told,  who gets about  in  a  cloak , wears  a  crown  and  uses  a   brand of soap called XXXX.

 

Hunter in  Bananaland

The  relieved AFP squad put me aboard   the glittering   new train, Spirit of Queensland,  for the run  to a place  up north  called Townsville  where a  friendly  Australian Labor Party   candidate ,  Coralee O’Rourke , has invited  me to a  screening of  A Streetcar  Named Desire , which  makes me feel homesick, and brings  back  fond  memories of my  old mate  Marlon  Brando, eventually a  victim  of  the  junk  food industry . 

 

 





From the Little Darwin theatre collection ,1950 J.C.Williamson  Adelaide  production  program . Main actors  were Viola Keats, related to poet John Keats, in the role of Blanche Du Bois ;Americans  Arthur Franz  as  Stanley Kowalski  and Russell Hardie, Mitch. 





 NEXT : Stranger happenings than Murder on the  Orient  Express and  frequent sightings  of   vampire   bats  along  the scenic route  to  Townsville.

CASHED UP SAILORS SURE TO GET SANDSHOE ANNIE'S VOTE IN QUEENSLAND ELECTION

With  a  crew of  jolly  tars , part  of  the Westminster system tied up in  Townsville.

During  this  short   election campaign it is doubtful if North Queensland  has  seen so many  big  spending drunken sailors  since  the  wild   days when a  waterfront  area of Cairns , known  as  the  Barbary  Coast , with  many pubs, rocked  to  the roar of   roistering  matelots .  Money  flowed  thick  and  fast .

 

Liverpool Irishmen off   the  many  ships in port  and  wharfies  often clashed . Any  police  party venturing into the  area  had  to be at  least four strong . One of the many characters there was  a   lanky damsel , with long , straight ,  grey hair , who wore a dark blue wrap around , a  floppy white hat and fashionable  white sandshoes , resulting in  her  becoming  known  to one and  all as  Sandshoe Annie . She would  sidle up  to a sailor  and  say, “ Buy me a drink , love . ”  Failure to  take up  her  kind request would  result  in a   broadside  as  she could  swear  like a  trooper .  

In  the ports  of Cairns  and  Townsville today  the Mission to Seamen must be  rushed off its  feet   catering  for all the  intoxicated  Newman  government  sailors  rushing  about trying to  seduce  voters  with  promises  of   grand  schemes  amounting to  billions of  dollars if  they sell off the  family silver .  By  contrast , the  ALP seems to be a  bunch  of   thrifty  Cloncurry  sea  cadets  on  CWA  lemonade . NEXT : Promises, promises  and  more promises as LNP bounces  another cheque in a waterfront dive  and  Premier Newman  inspires  new  Monty  Python  dead  parrot  skit . 

 

QUEENSLAND ELECTION FRACTURED FLICKERS

LIGHTS, CAMERA , ELECTION : To avoid  playing the leading painful  role  in the horror movie ,The   Ides of  March, Premier  Newman  announces  early  election  to  media  actors.

 

In its desperate bid to become a box office hit instead of  a   floperoo ,  the Newman Government is using  a Puberty Blues  movie  theme in  its  television  advertisements .

These  depict  the LNP  team as a  muscular surf boat crew stroking into the breakers  and  then  riding  the bombora  back to shore  to the  cheers of  spunky chicks  and bloated  carpetbaggers   stomping  about  on  the  beach  at  Surfers  Paradise. With  so many  tubby  candidates  who look as if   they  would have trouble  pulling on  their  boots  let   alone  pulling  on  a  oar ,  it  is surely  a  bit deceptive presenting  the  LNP  as  healthy  life savers .  

In these  clips  the  Australian  Labor Party  is depicted as an  inept surf boat  crew in a Perfect Storm  which   broadsides  and  is  swamped, like a perished and punctured   rubber  ducky  with  a  rusty squeaker  .

   

Premier  Newman invoked the power of  celluloid when he  strolled about  a lifeless  movie set  , possibly  being  prepared  for The Curse of the Mummies , offering  millions of  bucks to  overseas movie makers and  endless buckets  of  tasteless  popcorn . This  caused  a  highly successful Aussie  filmstar who lives in a  castle to shout , “Get stuffed !”  Not  the  response  the  LNP  wants  from  voters. 

In the case of the Palmer United Party ( PUP) , where  Clive suddenly  disappeared, it is working on a powerful campaign  movie,  soon to be screened , which will be  a mixture of Jurassic Park and Lassie  Can’t Come Home to the Election Launch because she’s with  the  Vet ,  plus a  Saturday  matinee Jaffas   and scone treat , namely   Son  of  Joh.

NEXT :   ALP  springs  punchy  Rocky l , Rocky ll , Rocky lll  assault  in  Townsville  and  journalists  forget  to  ask  obvious questions .

CHINESE SHADOW AUSTRALIA'S SECRET NEW SUBMARINE

Australia's top  secret inflatable Johnston Class  attack submarine  is shown being shadowed  by a nuclear powered  Chinese  spy  vessel  cunningly disguised as a  barnacle encrusted , plastic Toys-R-Us sailing smack . Due to a security   D (Cup) Notice  we cannot  let it be known  that  the sub is  moored  off Townsville  and  that  Magnetic Island is in  the background.  Latest  reports indicate the Chinese  have already  gathered   secret  information on  Australia's expensive  proposed F-35 Joint Strike Fighter ,nicknamed The Bankruptcy Maker ,   and  captured  wiring  plans for  the billion dollar ASIO headquarters in Canberra, making it now only available  for  unwashed  backpacker  accommodation   and  full  moon  parties. Because the Townsville media does not contain one shipping reporter , the  fact that  the shiny  submarine and  the Chinese spy vessel  are in port  has  gone unreported. Only one-eyed Cyclops  has obtained  this  scoop and  the sure Walkley Award  winning  yarn  about  the  Loch  Ness  Monster  taking  refuge  in  Townsville.