DARWIN SHIPWRECK -Spoof Special

Shipwreck hero Happy Feet and proud, skateboard enthusiast son, Flat Foot; both want to represent Australia in long distance swimming events at the British Olympic Games. Daddy holds a valuable chunk of whale vomit between his feet.
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In breaking news , alarming reports are coming through that an Italian cruise ship packed with 457 visa workers has run aground on the swimming pool at Darwin’s Government House . First indication of the maritime disaster was raised when the flag at Government House was noticed flying upside down for a week , denoting a vessel in distress. Little Darwin has been told that a passenger on the Costa Bundle , Irish backpacker, Paddy DiCaprio, was smooching a girl on the bowsprit when the liner struck the pool. Flung into the deep end, he escaped the passionate embrace of the Kreepy Krauly pool cleaning machine working at full throttle , swam through a school of cane toads, made it to shore, staggered to the flagpole and raised the flag.

The demure damsel he was pashing was last seen floating down Mitchell Street in the company of an American Marine and a Navy Seal . Flares fired from the stricken vessel over following days finally attracted the attention of Darwin’s celebrity penguin, Happy Feet ,who had just been thrown out of a nightclub after picking a fight with a Japanese whaler in town on R &R as reward for sinking a Sea Shepherd boat.

Without hesitation, Happy Feet grabbed a length of rope, waddled down to Government House, narrowly avoiding being arrested for drunkenness , and plunged into the swimming pool. Worried passengers , many from the Philippines ,Timbuktu and Planet Triton, cheered as Happy Feet came to their rescue . After being brought ashore, the passengers will have morning tea at Government House with the Administrator ,who thought the flares were just skyrockets fired off every night in Darwin, proceed to the Wedding Cake for a photo opportunityfor the ministers , and then be used as backfill in the many gaping holes in Darwin’s roads.

MSG IN DARWIN FOOD #2

Further to the Little Darwin revelation that a survey carried out by a person of Darwin eating houses and popular stalls found widespread use of the "food enhancer "monosodium glutamate (MSG) , our attention has been drawn to the fact that check out screens at Coles Stores declare there is NO ADDED MSG in their foodstuffs . If a major chainstore will not sell goods containing MSG , then surely our cafes and market stalls should warn customers if they use the chemical in their meals. No doubt somebody in the local media will follow this up, perhaps even the Health Minister, who eats a lot of Chinese , MSG said to induce what is known as the Chinese Restaurant Syndrome in some people, making them hyperactive in front of TV cameras and hard to understand . (See previous MSG IN DARWIN FOOD five posts below .)

PISCATORIAL PLAN FOR PROVOCATIVE POLLY REVEALED ON WHARF

NT Education Minister and Leader of Government Business, Dr Chris Burns , who recently verbally took the filleting knife to Alison Anderson (CLP) in the Legislative Assembly , intends to go fishing after he stands down . In an encounter on the waterfront, he told Little Darwin that he is going to get a “tinny” and relax for a time after 12 years in politics , which he says drags a lot out of a person . Ms Anderson emphatically stated she would gaff and drag Burns into court if he repeated in public what he said about her in the protection of the Assembly fishbowl . After a relaxing period as a barra boy, perhaps growing some stubble in the process, what next ? Involvement with the medical centre at the Royal Darwin Hospital . While fishing, he will have to remember to be quiet , refrain from parliamentary-like outbursts , or else other anglers might express annoyance in a variety of ways, some even swinging golf clubs or prodding with pointy barge poles, the latter action resulting in a Goon Show cry about somebody falling in the water with crocodiles .

A FEELING OF DEEP INJUSTICE : THE SHIRLEY COLLINS CASE

Brochure for Raintree Collection of Tiwi fashions displayed throughout Australia and appreciated by overseas visitors. ***************************************************
A dynamic , major force in the promotion of Aboriginal arts and crafts, Darwin resident , Ms Shirley Collins, has a strong feeling of betrayal , of being crushed by the sacked Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander Commission , its successor, Indigenous Business Australia , an army of indifferent politicians , the media , the legal system and others.

As the head of Darwin’s Raintree Aboriginal Art Gallery , which opened in 1986, she fostered Aboriginal art across North Australia and played a large part in its global appreciation and understanding .

Ms Collins set up an exhibition of Aboriginal art at Rhode Island as part of the America’s Cup celebrations , she accommodated in one of the grand mansions built by the early tycoons, such as the Vanderbilts ; played a part in a large exhibition of Oenpelli art in Japan , viewed by huge crowds , the subject of extensive TV coverage and a book ; corresponded and conferred with major national and international collectors of Aboriginal art ; advised the large scale British collector and investor , Lord McAlpine, the man who had a big impact on Broome ; and , as explained in an earlier Little Darwin post, arranged , in a glittering event , for Lady Susan Renouf to launch an exhibition by Aboriginal artist Harold Thomas ,designer of the Aboriginal flag ; using Tiwi designs , she developed the Raintree Collection of clothing and textiles ,including wedding dresses, displayed at venues throughout Australia, bought by overseas tourists wanting something different to take home, NT MLA Dawn Lawrie photographed in a Tiwi skirt, Tamie Fraser attended a Raintree interstate fashion parade; the National Gallery of Victoria sought information from Collins about Tiwi designs from 1970 for a major exhibition it was planning ; former CLP Chief Ministers Paul Everingham and Shane Stone praised Collins in the Legislative Assembly; named Businesswoman of the Year , she was deeply involved in tourist promotion in the Darwin CBD.

Not bad for the daughter of a Stolen Generation mother from Borroloola . Shirley’s mother , Bridget Johnson , was placed in Darwin's Kahlin Compound when she was eight ; on her death in 1952, Shirley, just 14, took control of running the house and looking after three younger siblings .

Her first job as a teenager in Darwin was in a Chinese soft drink factory where she watched bottles , some of which exploded, whizzing around on a belt. Shirley’s paternal grandmother , concerned about the exploding bottles , saw an advertisement in the Northern Territory News for a Girl Friday , told her to apply. Gran prepared her for the interview by brushing her hair, applying lipstick for the first time and then Pond’s beauty cream.

The job was hers - in the bookbinding section at the News , in the old tin bank building , Smith Street, where she was given a special tool, like a piece of bone, which she still has, to fold paper. To earn extra money, she worked back at night feeding pages for the newspaper into the clanking old press one at a time. To give her added experience, she was put on the front counter to take advertisements. Taking money to the bank was another task. As she walked to the bank ,the driver of an Army bus used to whistle at her . She stuck her head up in the air and took no notice-at first . Marriage followed , children. Shirley subsequently found herself heading an office cleaning team for a Darwin accountant , Barrie Percival, who proved to be a longtime friend and a stalwart in her long battle for justice.

Through cleaning, Collins met Dorothy Bennett, who first came to the Territory from Sydney in 1954 through to 1960 on annual orthopaedic surveys in Arnhem land and adjoining islands. Her employer, orthopaedic surgeon , Dr Stuart Scougall, was a keen art collector. At the request of the NSW Art Gallery, Mrs Bennett collected art from centres visited during the surveys. Qantas also asked her to collect for them .

In 1972 Ms Bennett was appointed an art consultant and collector for the Aboriginal Arts Board , later transferring to its selling arm , Aboriginal Arts and Crafts Pty. Limited as consultant and field officer. On her recommendation, Shirley Collins was appointed director of the Darwin branch from which Shirley distributed to art galleries , museums and corporate outlets . Their relationship grew and Collins eventually opened her own business, the Raintree Fine Art Gallery and employed her mentor , Dorothy Bennett .

NEXT : Collins’s involvement in the Bank of America Down Under Tour in the lead up to the Sydney Olympic Games in which it has been said she became the "scapegoat" for shortcomings which resulted in her financial ruin .

CRUELTY CLAIM AGAINST VANQUISHED KEVIN RUDD ; THE EYES HAVE IT!

CANBERRA NEWSFLASH: The Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Dumb Animals (SPCDA) has expressed outrage that the Australian political hermit , Kevin Rudd , will take up residence in a cave with an unsuspecting Tibetan Yeti . Pausing to squirt Golden Eye Ointment into his infected Third Eye, SPCDA spokesman , Lobsang Rampa, said it would be an act of extreme cruelty to expose any hairy Yeti to Rudd enumerating- in Chinese (with Cantonese expletives)- the 1001 points why he should be King Kong in the ALP and how he will star in a movie shot atop the Empire State Building in which he throws a screaming redhead to her death . Myopic Rampa , squinting into the sun, said Yetis throughout Tibet were howling disapproval at the news that the babbling Doctor Death would soon be moving to Tibet to muscle in on the monster tourist trade.

SATAN AND BLANKETY-BLANK TELSTRA IMPEDE BULLDUST DIARY PROGRESS

Inventive author/artist/rally driver, Peter Burleigh, develops miracle cure for scourge of outback Australia - BODY ODOUR - on historic Blackall-Barcaldine-Longreach stretch , during which sniffy, thankful locals roll out carpets for him , such is his fame , there being so many desperate farmers seeking advice from a couth city dude on how to snare a wife .

**It’s Sunday morning and Longreach is closed. The town is neat, clean and quieter than an empty church – and they’re pretty empty these days. Only the pubs are open and they’re buzzing when I pass by at 10.30am. My mobile phone refuses to work because it’s connected through Vodaphone, which seems only to offer connection on a single street corner somewhere in Western Sydney, and so I decide to compromise my hatred for Telstra and buy one of their SIM cards. My sworn oath never to use Telstra will remain intact at least until tomorrow when the shops open.

There are four coin-operated phones in Longreach and only one of them works. How do I know this? Because I go to the other three and see my gold coins swallowed before I find the right one. Telstra knows I have weakened and is exacting its tithe even before I sign up with them. I’m meeting Boonie from Brisbane at 6pm at the railway station but as usual I’ve had the pedal to the metal and so have arrived in town eight hours early. So what do I do? A steak sandwich at the pub, plug in the computer and bash away at the diary again. Really pleasant on this sunny, warm day.

Today I have two observations to make, both profound. The first, water. The locals won’t talk about their tapwater . If you comment on its unfriendly odour, they change the subject. In Western Queensland towns the super-chlorinated water comes from brackish, muddy, cattle-waded, dead-kangaroo-polluted creeks or is pumped from artesian bores. It has the powerful smell and flavour of sulphur (the satan-worshippers’ favourite) which lingers on the palate long after you spit it out. The smell is so strong in the shower this morning that I expect the water to be yellow.

To spend several dollars on a bottle of drinking water transported several million kilometres from the coast is a good investment, yet I wasn’t expecting the stinking shower. A notice in the Caravan Park’s office says that artesian water loses its smell when it cools down, and that Blackall water is sold around the world as absolutely pure for drinking. This appears to be an exaggeration of breathtaking ingenuousness. If you come across a bottle of Blackall when you’re dying of thirst in the Kalahari Desert, don’t drink it, you’ll regret it. I’ll bet the Blackall locals clean their teeth with beer instead.

My second observation is cultural, and concerns the selection of carpets in bars, pubs and clubs in the bush. There are rules which govern the design of such carpets:

* The colours must not harmonise - the more sickeningly colour-saturated the better.
* The pattern in the carpet must have a disturbing affect on patrons' minds and have no relationship to anything recognisable or natural.
* The carpet must at the same time preserve every stain, spot of gum, meat pie, squashed chip, sauce drooling, orange juice and drop of cooking fat which falls on it.
* If possible, the carpet should induce fits in epileptics, a "stoned" effect amongst young people, and uncontrollable thirst in all others.

The carpet lying under me in Longreach conforms to all these rules and invents a few of its own. It’s a masterpiece. I would write more but I can’t look at it any longer. Oh yes – QANTAS. Love it or hate it, it all started here in Longreach.

MSG IN DARWIN FOOD

Widespread use in Darwin eateries and market stalls of the "food enhancer" monosodium glutamate (MSG) is claimed by a person who has returned to the city after years away. Because this person suffers headaches whenever food containing MSG is eaten, what amounted to a survey of Darwin eating places was conducted. Just about "every" food outlet reported using MSG, even in the preparation of steak.

Food Standards Australia New Zealand (FSANZ) cites "overwhelming evidence from a large number of scientific studies" to explicitly deny any link between MSG and "serious adverse reactions" or "long-lasting effects", declaring MSG "safe for the general population". It does, however, describe that in less than 1% of the population, sensitive individuals may experience "transient" side effects such as "headache, numbness/tingling, flushing, muscle tightness, and generalised weakness" to a large amount of MSG taken in a single meal, which became known as the Chinese Restaurant Syndrome . People who consider themselves sensitive to MSG are encouraged to confirm this through an appropriate clinical assessment.

Standard 1.2.4 of the Australia and New Zealand Food Standards Code requires the presence of MSG as a food additive to be labelled in packaged foods. The label must bear the food additive class name (e.g., flavor enhancer), followed by either the name of the food additive, MSG, or its International Numbering System (INS) number, 621. Out of respect and concern for customers, the person who conducted the Darwin survey suggests all food outlets should clearly indicate in menus or by signs on stalls if MSG is used in preparation of meals .
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