TOP SECRET,FOR IRISH EYES ONLY : MOTHBALLED SIR ROBERT MENZIES DUMMY FLOWN IN FOR WENTWORTH DEATH RATTLE

Leaked Liberal Party Funk Bunker Plan  Reveals Panic

In a desperate bid to win the Wentworth  shoot out ,  the long forgotten  model of  former  PM  Sir Robert Menzies   has been   retrieved from  storage at  Madame  Tussaud's   Waxworks   in  London    to  hand  out  how to   vote  cards  in Sydney. According to  today's edition of the Christian Science Monitor and  Ethical Adman , desperate  Liberal   spin doctors   believe  Pig Iron Bob Menzies  could swing the  vital count   their  way .

 Fearful Tory  insiders  say the   decision to get   former PM  John Howard to tour  the electorate had been disastrous as it reminded   the voters that he embarrassed  Australia when  he showed he  did not  know how  to bowl a cricket   ball  in  Pakistan.  Apart from that , he  appeared to be sporting a  pair  of fake  albino , bushy  Menzies  eyebrows .  

 

Another gross  error had been to bombard the electorate with  so called  "Liberal luminaries ", which proved  to be as stupid as  exposing  the   inmates   of  the New Zealand   Waikato  Glow-worm Caves  to  sunlight . 

Francophile Fixer 

A tattered  Funk Bunker  leak  reveals that in a late desperate attempt to win votes  from  suckers , PM Scott Morrison  will  announce   the appointment of  Senator Cleaver  Greene to  head an  inquiry  into  the proposed takeover of  the  Oz Ripple  by  a Chinese  company . 

In addition , the Manager of Government  Chaos  in the House of  Representatives , Christopher  "The Fixer " Pyne ,   will  bring a  touch of  French fashion to the election on Saturday by  holding a parapluie, an  umbrella,  over  Sir  Robert  to prevent him  from  melting  in  the Aussie  noonday  sun . 

 

During the  week , Pyne     arranged    for    many  mind- numbing    Dorothy Dix questions to  be asked  of  government - painting   Australia as  a  biblical land of  disastrously  cheap   milk  and  fraudulent honey , a  paradise for  temple money changers , Egyptian slave drivers . During the rowdy session  the  Coalition attempted to  slay  the  Opposition with the  jawbones of  many asses  and a  box of chocolates laced  with  Christian  vitriol  and   needles .    

COWBOY PIRATES SCUTTLE COALITION WENTWORTH ELECTION

A limp   jolly roger  flapping  at  its  mast  ( above )  the  National Party of Australia's flagship , SS  Dairydust  , invaded   Vaucluse today  and  blew the disasterous , accident prone  Morrison  government's  Wentworth  election campaign  completely  out  of  the water.
 

Argus Tuft  Exlusive 
 

Armed to the  teeth with   an  array of  rusty  swords  and    blunderbusses ,  the scurvy  looking Nationals    demanded   the   Wagga Wagga Waffler  walk  the  plank . In  his place, they want to  install  a  babbling  bunyip called Barnaby , who  can talk  bush  underwater .

 

The trouble is , the   people in the bush   have  woken up to the  fact that  the Nationals are  really nothing more than  walking   advertisements for  10 gallon hats  and the only regular   shout   they  make is   Cooee!!!  in  the  Canberra parliamentary dining room  , not   a  round in an outback pub  of  Bundy  Rum  or XXXX   to wash down  the dirt  from the  dust   caused  by  global  warming  which   is  smashing    farmers. 

  A  respected   poet laureate described the  Wentworth nautical  scene as  being  akin  to  the  events  on  the  good  ship Venus .  

OUT OF CONTROL CATS AND DOGS ON BARRIER REEF ISLAND

An early morning   cup of coffee  at Picnic  Bay , Magnetic Island , turned into uproar when two  large stray dogs   attacked a  small dog on a leash, ripping out its  guts on October 16. The  dogs, which  reportedly had  been causing trouble for some time ,  also  went  after a  Whippet being   walked by  an island  resident .Two men beat off  the attacking  dogs , police were  called , the  dogs  captured  and  supposedly destroyed . The doctored mainland media pack  did not  pick up  this  story.
 

A much  photographed Koala  was   recently  attacked  by a  dog near a shopping  centre in Mandalay Avenue , Nelly Bay . The  island   Community  News  reported the attack in  the fishing news   section, the  mainland  media oblivious of  the  event .   

Cats have been   sighted in  various parts of  the  island , one with a  Sunbird in its mouth . The decimation of  Curlew chicks  continues; what looked  like a  prowling   cat  was  seen running  from   near  where the  latest  Little   Darwin   hatchling , which  featured in  this  blog,  disappeared overnight.

Two    eggs  under  another  nesting  Curlew  couple  at the front of the  Little Darwin  residence were  found  smashed   early  one   morning . The Townsville City Council  used  to have a resident dog catcher on  the  island . Now the current  situation is  a secret, requests for  information ignored .The council was  asked if traps were   kept  at the island  dump   to capture feral cats, rats ,  as is the case in other parts  of  Australia. If  not, why not ?  If  so, info  on  catches . No response .

The wider slaughter of  wildlife  on the island  raises the need  for   major , prompt action  and  a  new , modern  arrangement  with facilities  to take  the  great load  off  the  shoulders  of  a   small  band  of  island  carers  . The  city  deserves  to be called  Snoozeville  over  the shameful neglect of  war  memorials  in the city,  the  dire wildlife  plight  on  Magnetic Island   and   the  snoozing mainland   media  which  is  clearly out of  touch with so much going on in the city and the island  . Much   more   later.

MURDOCH MEDIA , GOVERNMENT MISS GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY TO MONSTER ABC

Another  S(h)ipping  Reporter Scoop .

While seeking medical advice in the Townsville  Hospital, the  crusty  waterfront roundsman  unexpectedly  stumbled  upon a  story into which   the  ABC  bashing brigade   would   love  to  get  their  vampire  teeth.

In involves  a  prominent ABC  presenter   being    caught  ogling  a  woman who  had been charged with  indecent  exposure  . Phew ! Just imagine what the Daily Telegraph , The Australian , the Coalition troglodytes  ,  Gerard   ,  Kenny  , Bolt , The  Parrot    and   others   will   do with  this   titillating   expose  once  it  is posted ?  

The name of  this lefty  ABC  celebrity caught in an embarrassing  situation  ? Don't be impatient . Did  I  mention  that  he had been sprung  by a nun ? No , sorry -really got  you  interested now .

Background    to the scoop    is  that  whenever the  sickly S(h)ipping Reporter   enters   the  Townsville  Hospital  main entrance  , he makes  a  bee line to the  books on sale  by  the helpful  volunteer ladies  .  On  his  latest  visit,  three   great non-fiction  finds were bought , one  The  Court  Reporter , by  another professional  ABC reporter, Jamelle Wells , published by ABC Books , this year .  As the nautical  scribe is  an old  media  hand, he  enjoyed  reading how she  got into  journalism  and  covered  many  interesting  court cases. 

Brace yourself   for  the  denouement . In a great anecdote  , which  reveals  the kind of people  who  work for   the ABC , she  told how  ABC News Channel presenter  Joe O'Brien  remembered  the  first court case he  attended   during work experience  at the above  Innisfail Advocate , Queensland, in 1983.  It  involved  a stripper  who had  come to town  and  got too much of  her gear off  in public , charged  with  indecent  exposure.

In Year 10 at the time , he went out the front   steps of  the courthouse  with the  media who were taking pictures of  her  standing near a column .  One of his teachers , a nun , happened by  and asked him if he was enjoying his  work experience . Yes, sister , was  his enthusiastic reply .

SURPRISE  FOLLOW  UP

No sooner  had  the above  piece of golden prose  been posted, than through the Little Darwin  door  was delivered  a packet from the Queen of the Jungle who is cleaning out  her diverse  library. In  it was the  l983   Volume 1, Number 1 copy of  UP NORTH Queensland  magazine .

This  year, of course, was  the one in which schoolboy  Joe  O'Brien  eyed the naughty stripper outside the  Innisfail Courthouse . Leafing through the magazine , it is hard to understand  why  she was   charged with indecent  exposure as there are  several photographs  of    topless   girls  in  advertisements. 

Courthouse pose ? 

Topless  girls are  featured standing on the bow of  a yacht called  Bacchus  off Airlie Beach  and  a naked nymph  is silhouetted  in  an  Air  Queensland advertisement .  

AUSTRALIAN NAVAL MIGHT ON DISPLAY ; DESIRABLE , UNDEVELOPED SEASIDE SUBURB

Unearthed in  Darwin, this  mounted and  framed   photograph under glass captures naval activity in   Sydney Harbour circa  1915  . Another  photograph  of  interest  to come our way  , found  on  Magnetic Island,  is   the  1909  mounted  view  of   Ramsay  Street , Collaroy , below .

 

TROPICAL STORM CAUSES TASMANIAN FLAP ; FLUSHES OUT CROCODILE

Despite being blown about by wind and lashed by rain , the cardboard  pointer to the Tasmanian  capital of  Hobart  is still  attached  to the Magnetic Island signpost  to the major cities of the world . At  times  it  pointed  to  the North Pole  during the blow . The deluge  will probably save  the  fake owl   from being sacked due to its  failure  to prevent   birds  from   messing on the   passenger  ferry  ramp, the rain washing  away some of  the  extensive  droppings .  

On the mainland , in  a Swamp People setting,  the rain flushed out a freshwater crocodile  way up  Townsville's   Ross River , see part  outline left , under overhanging  tree  reflection  at  top . Photo  by Abra

SENSATIONAL BUCKLEE BELL ART TO GRACE OPERA HOUSE ?

Fabulous paintings  by  renowned American  artist  Bucklee Bell   are likely  to appear  regularly  on the Sydney Opera  House sails , if  this blog's respected  art correspondent , Ponsonby  Willis , gets  his  way . 

 Willis is a great admirer of  Bucklee Bell  who also  runs  a unique  business in Chiang Mai , Thailand, Kesorn  Arts ,  dealing in ethnographic arts , including beads   and   textiles  that  he gathers  in  expeditions  to out of  the way  places.

 His distinctive  artwork , developed during his  involvement  in the underground comix  movement in America ,  appears in   regular Thai  exhibitions. One of his  paintings, dealing with politics ,   has pride of  place in  the  Little Darwin den. 

Ponsonby Willis explained    that  while    Bell's   fabulous paintings  often  appear  related to  the exotic   landscapes and   tribal customs of  the  Golden Triangle  and  the  Rusty  American  Panhandle   , they  have the magical property of vividly  representing any country . For  instance , the   following intricate    tapestry  :

Ponsonby   interprets this  Bell   epoch  possible  Opera House  sample    as  really depicting Australia's  rich  cultural  heritage  and  history  as  a  convict  colony  still  run  by  descendants  of  the  rum corps , who booted out colonial Governor Bligh , after whom  Australia's refugee ex-PM    Malcolm  Turnbull's  middle  name was  derived . 

 A  certain  , unsporting  cash for  bash  radio identity  , who deserved to remain unnamed and   unwashed,  would  undoubtedly  disparagingly  describe  the scene  as musicians playing  for  the  latte  sipping mob  and Balmain  basket weavers  who  objected  to  the Everest horserace  promo  on  the Opera House .  

A closer, unbiased look  would reveal that it brilliantly captured  the present political situation in Australia. The central  tableaux  of   chamber   musicians  inserted   to soothe   angry  Aussie   voters  reluctantly  waiting  until next year to  empty the chamber  pot over  the  Morrison  government ,   the  New South  Wales  Coalition  jelly   babies   along   the  way .

The four large  snakes next to the  wheel of  fortune  obviously  represented the  main banks  which   had  been sinking  their    fangs  into  their  customers-alive and dead - since  they  first  slithered   ashore  from  Noah's  Ark  at  Botany Bay in  1788 .
 

 According to  Ponsonby , the  many depictions of  the  female  form  show  women  are  holding up more than  half  the sky and their work is never done, especially  when  a   bullied  member  of   the old  double breasted  Liberal  Party .

Bucklee's  brilliant   work   promoted the  beauty of Sydney's iconic  Bondi Beach   through the  appealing   drawing  of  a  stinging   bluebottle ; also there to be seen was  an  outbreak of  mutated  crabs ,  a  few  dangerous  bush  ticks , no funnel webs . The  never ending   up  to  80  percent  off  carpet  sales   throughout the nation  way of  life and  the ABC's  outback   yodelling  dingo  stood out.  Free steak knives were  hidden  somewhere  , said  Ponsonby ,  playing  with  his  chopsticks .        

Another  beaut   Bucklee special  being seriously  considered   for the Opera House is the  above in which woman  are still  holding  up more than  half the   world  and  it seems   evident  members of  the  Queensland Young Liberals   in Operation Leroy  are secretly  planning to stack  pre-selection  meetings to try and   kick out the  hopeless  old  LNP  brigade , a  difficult task . It  features the  call for  Queensland to be  cut into  two states , with a Berlin  wall between the two , the top half  full  of  bellowing  yahoos  in  cowboy  hats , the  other side , taking in the Brisbane Line ,  talking  through  their  hats . 

The  dazzling  Bucklee  Bell above epic will feature in a  massive  New South Wales Tourist Bureau  campaign ( bigger than  the highly successful  Paul Hogan  invite to throw another white spotted  shrimp on the barbie )   to  discourage  overseas  tourists  from  taking in Queensland   by  revealing  the Sunshine State  is crawling  with crocodiles, Katters , taipans   and  knee deep  in  discarded , germ-laden  toothbrushes .