LES GIRLS HAIL MACBETH

There is no doubt about it, women find men in positions of political power alluring. When Paul Keating rolled Bob Hawke for the Labor crown , Little Darwin was surprised by the way some female members of the party seemed to almost curtsey in his presence , as if it was the Sun King passing , when he perambulated along the corridors of parliament .

Indeed, several almost fell over each other trying to be near the newly anointed leader with the big picture . One , a highly educated femme who treated party functionaries and branch helpers with haughty disdain, stood out , beaming , almost swooning as he swept by on the way to the throne to tinker with his French clocks.

It was like a mute, female version of the time Sir Robert Menzies , smooging up to Queen Elizabeth, quoted that passionate clergyman, John Donne , as saying he did but see her passing by, and yet would never forget her until he died . In this case the ALP femmes were buckling at the knees at the sight of seeing Paul and being so close to the new mover of heaven and earth .

In the latest Liberal palace coup, the jug-eared juggernaut, “ Mad Monk ”, Tony Abbott, encountered the same admiring reception from many true blue political groupies. At his first media conference , Julie Bishop, no doubt delighted to still be the deputy leader of the party, positively beamed at Abbott as if he were Brad Pitt . It would have been harder to find a more dazzling smile in a digitally enhanced Colgate ring of confidence advertisement.


And sitting up admiringly in the audience was Bronwyn Bishop , she with the unrequited lust to be PM , a stated aim since much younger days when she slurped coffee with solicitors in Angel Place, Sydney. As Abbott has been described as the political love child of Bronwyn and John Howard, she had cause to be proud about her bouncing baby boy being voted king of the kindergarten.

Sitting beside Bronwyn was the monarchy –loving , Sophie Mirabella, whose baby featured in a heated exchange with Belinda Neal before it was born. As Sophie and Bronwyn were both opponents of Malcolm, Merry Christmas had come early for them.

Little Darwin was looking up a Crikey.com report about Bronwyn being annoyed with Malcolm and moves to challenge her –re endorsement in a bid to inject new blood into the party , when the Darwin power supply went out , again . The computer was cranky when the power came back . It does not pay to mess with Bronwyn who is now in Wiki and can apparently invoke divine intervention.

Attending the same media conference were other lady Libs flashing lots of toothy smiles at the new Roman candle . And like a defrocked male Vicar of Dibley, in black, sat author/journalist ,Bob Ellis , who once made inflammatory statements against Bronwyn Bishop , and even stood against her in an election. God punished him by burning down his house. God also smiled on Abbott in a court case over something Ellis wrote in one of his unGodly political books, which Little Darwin finds a delight to read. With such powerful connections , you wonder how the Libs are in such a devilish mess.


God and Opus Dei sure work in mysterious ways . How could Abbott possibly have been so appealing to the women voters in the Liberal party conference room after that weekend photo of him stripped down in his budgie smugglers at the surf carnival ?

With all that hair over his body, he looked like one of those Arnhem Land sea slugs getting over oil spill pollution or one of those offensive objects spewed out by the old North Bondi sewage treatment plant which figured in Frank Hardy’s great book, Outcasts of Foolgarah , a character being Billy Bigears . This was said to be a rude reference to a Liberal PM who led the party to electoral defeat.

EXPENSIVE GODZONE SUNBURNT COUNTRY FAILS KNICKERBOCKER TEST

Considerable media attention - including an unladylike raspberry from Alderman Heather Sjoberg - has been given to the new walkway nearing completion in Smith Street to protect locals and residents as they wander from the wharf precinct to the CBD.

One of our roaming correspondents , with little better to do at the weekend, spent an hour observing the amount of shade produced by the structure between the hours of 1 and 2 pm. While sipping his 21st latte for the day ( wait till the NT News Coffee Squad hears about this! ) , he observed that no shade was produced by the structure between those hours that would protect anything larger than an ant.

Nevertheless , saving ants from being scorched could lead to an RSPCA award. But not if Aldermann Sjoberg is on the judging panel as she was reported as saying the walkway is " an abortion". Knickers also figured in her reported scathing comments.

While there was no monsoonal activity during the time our reporter observed the structure , a closer inspection showed that citizens and refugees from the south would have been soaked . In another year or two the government will have to fork out another million dollars or two to provide shelter from the sun and tropical downpours. One can only wonder why they didn’t do it properly in the first place.

Maybe its another case of the Mall which is about to undergo yet another upgrade. Darwinites have requested more shade for years . The pleas have largely fallen on deaf ears resulting in soaring sales of umbrellas, sun block and floppy hats . The incidence of sunstroke and lunacy also jumped to astonishing heights.

Little Darwin understands that because of the sun drenched CBD a reshoot of the great movie ,African Queen, will be filmed in the stream of blood, stale beer and nervous police horse urine flowing down Mitchell Street .

HOW MUCH IS THAT DOGFIGHT IN THE LIBS? HEMLOCK AND DAGGERS IN SENATE

When you see Joe Hockey sliding out the side entrance of the Wollstonecraft Wally -John Howard- you know that Malcolm Turnbull's leadership of the Liberals does not have much longer to run. The very fact that the advice of the PM who refused to buzz off when requested to do so by his party is being sought is bizarre. On the other hand, Malcolm may take heart from the fact that key players in the current putsch to knife him are some of the weak -kneed crew who folded like deck chairs when Howard refused to release his grip on the Kirribilli wallpaper. Come Tuesday and the plotters may have turned into the Aeroplane Jelly Club.

Rather than beat his head against a brick wall trying to lead the troglodytes out of Jurassic Park , talented Malcolm should resign, depart Canberra for good. No doubt, PM Kevin Rudd, with his puzzling propensity for finding jobs for Coalition discards, could make him a roving ambassador for emissions control .

For light relief , Little Darwin suggests, Turbull , for a mere $5.5 million , buy the old Darling Point mansion , Seaford House, which is a short distance from the “Struggle Street” flat in which he lived as a child . This pile is divided into four apartments which would provide individual accommodation for his four photogenic pooches.

No matter what happens in Canberra this coming week , and in Copenhagen , the Liberal Party will continue its eye-gouging, groin-kneeing, hair-pulling , marathon tag -wrestling contest .

MISSING LETTER C BACK IN CHRISTMAS

Nightcliff has received an early visit from Santa . He has presented the Nightcliff Village shopping centre with a brand new police station sign . For years, the old sign was minus the letter C and declared it was POLI E . This gave the impression it was either a milliner’s shop , a polly waffle outlet , a polygon in a mini skirt , a naughty polygyny or somebody running a teashop.

That annoying pest, Little Darwin, drew attention to this missing link and other matters. Along with the new sign is a fetching checker display of police blue and white squares at the entrance. A (c)ynical (c)odger said the new sign was an indication of a looming election.

Meanwhile , police have been alerted to watch out for a sad looking part- Beagle called Leo who is missing and could be roaming the streets of Nightcliff , ready to (c)ock his leg outside the ( c) opshop.

GLUTTONOUS OLDIES STAR IN MOVIE

Hollywood is planning to shoot a biblical epic bigger than Ben Hur in one of Australia’s retirement villages. Called the Never Ending Loaves and Fishes Story , it is sure to be a smash hit with those members of the accounting fraternity and village owners who feed elderly people on a monotonous diet of el cheapo tucker bought in bulk from Filipino garbage dump scavengers .

Background music for the star studded movie will be the delicious Monty Python hit about Spam , sung by a choir of anorexic geriatrics . A Mega – Gastric- Munchies Studios PR today said the village picked for the shoot will be decided from a list of places renowned for their lean, very mean cuisine .

It is a surprising medical fact that most people suffering from Alzheimer’s Disease can rattle off the monotonous same old fare menu at their retirement village. This is helpful in those establishments which have a massive turnover of staff , especially where the poorly paid instant cook has destroyed the well - thumbed Ethiopian guide for making 1000 tasty meals , including imitation T-bone steak, from lawn clippings .

Thank God for sausage rolls, party pies, sawdust sandwiches, gluggy special treats from another planet and reheated packet soup. These culinary delights cause thankful elderly people to fall down on their knees from malnutrition , thus providing the desired worshipful setting for a whole string of Hollywood extravaganzas made for the overfed , born - again Christian couch potato market in the US.

PEACE IN THEIR TIME- CHAMBERLAIN SOLUTION TO TORY BALKAN WARS

The stage is now shaping up for a double dissolution . The temptation to eviscerate the Coalition must be overpowering within the ALP. Urging the Rudd war cabinet to blitzkrieg Poll-land must surely be the belly up NSW Labor government. A double dissolution in which the Opposition forces are smashed might help reduce the NSW state election losses when it has to face the angry, long suffering voters with their waiting tumbrels and skeins of Merino wool. Even more helpful to NSW than a miracle would be if , as suggested by Little Darwin, a new , breakaway conservative party is formed . This very morning there is talk of a possible split in the Tories like that in the ALP which resulted in formation of the Democratic Labor Party .

BRAVE DUTCH BOY IN ALICE SPRINGS DYKE DISASTER ; STRANGE OUTBREAK OF MANGO MADNESS IN TODD CLOSET

Gonzo journalist lifts lid on thunder box +++ Who flung Dung ? +++ Pass the Lady Scott Tissues +++ Pre–decimal currency Scottish Lament +++ Phantom of Soap Opera Strikes Again +++ Redback bites Henderson on donga +++ Centralians move to form breakaway new State +++ Amazing Rip and Read Scoop .

Police are investigating the suggestion that a huge dose of the clumsy drug caused the I HATE DELIA sticker farce during the Alice Springs sittings of the Legislative Assembly. There is a statutory declaration from a prune- faced member of Paul Henderson’s entourage claiming that Katherine MLA Willem Westra van Holthe was seen placing the sticker on a dunny door.

A former policeman, clunking about the loo in his clogs , Willem said he had merely seen the sticker on a bench in the toilet and, wanting to beautify Australia , had stuck it on the door . At the time , he apparently admitted it was a “fair cop “ being observed doing a bit of bill posting . Later, he was quoted as saying he had no idea who was responsible for production of the sticker, which includes a serious mug shot of the Manager of Government Business , Dr Burns , a man usually seen beaming like a Cheshire cat in and around supermarkets.

Somehow , another copy of the sticker mysteriously attached itself to the laptop of David Tollner . The Grand Sitting Primo, Jane Aagaard , ordered Tollner to remove the offending sticker , the threat being that if he did not, he would be flushed into the sin bin , yet again . Pleading ignorance , Tollner said he had no idea who had placed the sticker on his laptop. That some fiend goes about slapping offensive stickers on the laptops of politicians can only be regarded as a serious threat to the Westminster system of government and the Bank of Nigeria . Tollner helpfully suggested the sticker could have been produced by a larrikin member of the CLP.

It must come as a severe shock to our modest readers to learn a larrikin could join a Territory political party.

Meanwhile, the Phantom of the Alice Springs Comic Soap Opera is roaming at large. Police investigating the baffling event are keen to speak to a plumber , Mr Caroma , who will be subjected to water torture in an attempt to crack the case.

That the CLP was badly in need of colonic irrigation became clear when it again agitated to enable grog to be sold from take away bottle shops from 10 am , instead of 12 , in Alice Springs . Chief Minister Paul Henderson rightly tore strips off the Opposition over this crazy suggestion for a town torn apart by grog . The Government has itself been constipated in its dealings with the monstrous drink problem in the Centre , failing to reduce the number of liquor licences in the town.

Tollner created a ruckus when he revealed that the government had arranged for a $170,000 outhouse to be built and installed in a convenient spot at Howard Springs for kingmaker Gerry Wood. Henderson , a member of the Privvy Council, said the contract for the throne had been cancelled , a saving of $40,000.