LOCH NESS MONSTER TO TAKE REFUGE IN AUSTRALIA ?

CANBERRA : Scotland’s best known  resident – the Loch Ness Monster- has been  invited  by  Australia’s  monstrous  government to  flee  Down  Under  in  the event  that  Scotland votes to become  independent. Globetrotting , free-wheeling   and   battered  (in the polls) body surfing  PM , Tony  Abbott , says Nessie is welcome   to take up residence  in   Lake  Burley Griffin .  In addition , the shy monster will  have  exclusive rights  to  feed   on   redundant  public servants  whose  bodies  are  thrown  daily  into   the  murky  water of  the  lake .  The   PM  said  he fears  that  if  the  Scots break away  from  Britain , the wild,  wode- painted Highlanders will  get  drunk  on  malt , bare  their   bare arses,  like in  Mel  Gibson’s  Braveheart,   at   Pommie  tourists on  the  border with  Her  Majesty's  forelock tugging estate . Worst of all , some  could  be  expected   to   hunt  Nessie  with   harpoons , like  the  Japanese fraudulent  scientific   whalers ,   and  sell  its   hide  on   e-bay  to  a  rich  Yank. Our exclusive  photo shows Nessie  swimming  in  green  and  gold   budgie  smugglers .