The obsession with crocodiles in North Australian media shows no sign of abating . In Darwin , The NT News , for example, can’t get enough croc stories ; the editor was reportedly delighted that the paper was able to run no less than four crocodile yarns in one edition. A harmless baby freshwater crocodile, not much bigger than a rubber ducky, is found in a domestic swimming pool and the Darwin media, including the ABC and Channel 9, treat it like the Second Coming.
Be it fact or fiction , I was told that the NT News reporters were divided into two groups: one which relentlessly looked for croc stories, the other charged with chasing UFOs and aliens , there being intense rivalry between the two, a tally kept. President Barack Obama was even insured against crocodile attack during his visit to Darwin last year, a fact repeatedly run by the News in its promos .
A normally polite Darwin resident said she would scream if she saw another bloody crocodile story in the NT News. Crocodile shooting safaris have been mooted in the Northern Territory. Reporter potting safaris might be more beneficial and satisfying . Over in North Queensland , the Townsville Bulletin seems to be showing increased interest in crocodile stories , the latest one about “ a monster crocodile eyeballing a teenager”at a popular fishing spot , weddings and St Valentine’s Day hogging the spotlight in the paper , although a happy hippo rated a mention near the sports pages. Of course , the local basketball team is, you guessed it, the Townsville Crocodiles.
Tiring of the never ending saurian reports and dubious Territory X-File encounters , I donned a pith helmet , Bombay bloomers, gaiters and sallied forth like Ernest Hemingway with a Big Game Hunter’s Martini Henri rifle for Darwin’s first ever Dragon shoot. These monsters , of course, are rarer than Unicorns and Loch Ness Monsters. The first awesome Dragon I unexpectedly encountered was in the driveway of Arnhem Nursery , Humpty Doo. See rampant beast posing for camera at head of story.
Stunned , I parked the car and grabbed my shooting iron....Out of the undergrowth, I was charged by what at first looked like a Dalek swooping in on me for the kill. Adrenalin flowing , knees knocking, I prepared to be exterminated. Thankfully , it was only the hippy, hippy ABC gardening identity, Kerry Byrnes, mounted on a ride- on mower, below.
He could not stop for my hysterical interrogation about the fire breathing Dragon on his premises because he had a visit from outer space during the night- a lightning strike that blew out the irrigation system and made incoming telephone callers sound as if it was Mr Hissy , the large python which slithered about the roof of the nursery residence for years , who developed wander lust and moved away to an old car body with hot and cold running possums.
After making running repairs ( Kerry fancies himself as a NASA technician...no mention shall be made here of the time he could not get a leafblower to work and it was discovered by a serviceman that there was a wasp nest up the spout ) , he informed me I could buy for my trophy room the imported fibreglass Dragon for a mere $1900 . If that was beyond my means , there were other life size animals - lions , tigers , lizards , cane toads , gila monsters and proud peacocks in his menagerie. Kerry ruined my death defying Dragon hunting saga by insisting it was a good luck dragon , not one of those nasty beasties that barbecue humans. We must not let the facts ruin a good beat up, I told him ; he concurred , having once been the proprietor of the independent newspaper, Darwin Star , the name inspired by a wild, blood - soaked tabloid in Hong Kong , where Dragons are found on every street corner, down each alley.
Setting out on another Dragon shooting expedition , I called on the redoubtable Rob Wesley-Smith , deep in the Howard Springs veldt , where all kinds of Jurassic Park critters might dwell. During the Wet season , his billabong overflows and joins up with adjoining swampland , looking suspiciously like croc territory. To combat the Las Vegas vampire bats invading his airy house at night, Wes has invested in two owls from Bunnings , one with flashing red eyes.
Wes made me drop my blunderbuss in amazement when he told me that there are Dragons on his property , and asked me if would like to taste their flesh!!! Eh? I could see the NT News screaming headline: CROCODILES THREATENED BY DRAGON INVASION ; PRESIDENT OBAMA ORDERS IN MARINES TO SAVE NT. True to his promise, Wes served up a tasty dish of Dragon Fruit (red) and ice cream .
In doing so , he had risked life and limb clambering up an unsafe looking ladder , nearly 10 metres high, see above, to get the fruit from a feral plant which had sprinted up the trunk of a tall tree . The dangers of the tree climbing expedition became more apparent when he revealed that he needed a long handled picking gadget to get at the fruit. On one trip into the thick canopy, there was a strong gust of wind and he had dropped the picker .On hearing this , I arranged for the Civil Aviation Safety Authority to immediately ground Wesley-Smith as he had once crashed on his head at Nhulunbuy when helping unload material at the dump and ended up in an induced coma in Royal Darwin Hospital.
UFO SCOOP : You read it here first : A man in Adelaide claims to have a photograph of a flying saucer showing faces in the circular windows. They were probably vainly looking for the latest leader of the SA Liberal Party –Andrew “Beam /Beat me up , Nikki !” Downer?
